[kunoichi]

First off, I'm not fishing for compliments.

To be honest, I'm not sure how it all started. Maybe this was the beginning...
I grew up with the thought that opening up to the ones you love is wrong. Never to ask for help, always hide the fact that you feel bad, get everything fixed by yourself. I remember being around 8-10 and sometimes walking into my mum crying, away from everyone, telling me that she's fine and that she's just got something into her eye. I've never been encouraged to express myself in the family, quite the opposite actually. I remember I've always been laughed at even by my parents for writing or saying certain things. Now I can see that I was probably cute or something, but it wasn't very pleasant. I stopped living with my parents after I turned 10-11 (Long story, too complicated). I did see them a few times a month, but still, that was pretty much the only relationship I remember about my family... Kind of first world problems, now that I look at it, but it did affect me.

I have been with this man for a little over 2 years. In the beginning it was fine, I guess, but it progressively started getting worse. I can't open up anymore. He... inhibits me (? not sure if that is the correct word). At first, I couldn't be creative anymore, then I stopped sharing ideas and thoughts with him, and now I don't feel the need to have sex anymore. I am not blaming him, the problem is in me.

I know I am not ugly, just a bit underweight, but that's how I've always been and I've felt better! I don't feel sexy, wanted, interesting anymore. I told him earlier about this and his answer was that the fact that I don't eat a lot lately doesn't really help me. Thank you, Captain Obvious. It's not about how I look, it's about how I feel, and I feel so bad... I don't know what to do. Well, I suppose that him liking porn with rather mature, voluptuous women doesn't really help either. I don't want to make him stop doing that or anything, that would be silly. Again: the problem is in me. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make myself feel good again. Perhaps some time away from eachother would be a good idea? I guess I should - obvious alert - tell him all that I've wrote up there, but I don't see how that would fix anything.

Thanks to anyone reading this.
PS: Sorry about any mistakes, English isn't my first language.

[WildChild]

Quit saying, "The problem is me". It's great to own your stuff but lets get specific. The problem is your attitude, your upbringing, things you were taught that aren't working for you. These things not only lead you to not do what you need for yourself, they also may lead you to let other people in your life who don't give you what you need from them.

You have certain learned characturistic that make it hard for you to express yourself and it sounds like you have a man in your life who reinforces those.

What do you want? It sounds like you would like to change this and learn to be more expressive and creative. You are already thinking that you need some distance from him. Are you self supporting? If not, can you get to that point?

I think it would be a very good idea for you to have some time living in a place that is really your own, were you can be creative, express yourself, write, laugh, dance around the room at midnight if you feel like it. Just give yourself the gift of finding out who you are without any concerns over how someone else might react.

[kunoichi]

Thank you, WildChild.
So, apparently 2 active persons living in a 25 sq meters apartment is a very bad idea. Intimacy = 0. This made us both unhappy, illogical and woke up memories which didn't really have anything to do with the reality (which sort of made me giggle). I moved back in at my place and we're alright now. As cliché as this sounds, space is important in a relationship. Next time we move in together, it will be a bigger place.