[sunflowergirl]

I am new to this forum, and hoping that you will help me through this.

She was my best friend out of everyone, because everyone else in our circle/community is the aloof and stuck-up type. She was the first to extend her hand in friendship when I moved to this place. She's a few years older than me and is married, while I'm a single woman and a student. Her extremely warm and inviting nature induced me to confide many of my secrets in her ... including some pretty sensitive ones involving an ex-bf and a relationship that had left me badly hurt and exploited. She lent me her shoulder to cry on, counselled me, and promised never to let out my secrets to anyone, as she is a "woman of integrity" (she always claims). She appeared to possess all the qualities of an angel. She always vowed to "shield" me through thick and thin. She always motivated me greatly towards my goals and desires in life, playing big sis to me. I became almost emotionally dependent on her as a source of strength and support!

And then since the past year or so, she started avoiding me, ignoring me all the time, refusing to talk or even make eye contact in parties etc. Still does! I was utterly flabbergasted, and wondered what the heck happened! I had always been so fond of her, worshipped her and looked up to her...!! I sunk into depression. Then recently I started hearing from others that she has gone around telling people my deepest secrets regarding my ex, and that everyone knows them now! She even twisted some of the stories and fabricated them, and declared to people that I'm some sort of a desperate "(Edit) and messed up girl (I wonder where she got that from, as I am really conservative!). She has also started speaking ill and spreading progaganda against me due to the stances I took regarding certain worldly issues that she and I have discussed in the past, which of course took place in the form of casual discussions in which she only appeared to admire and appreciate my views greatly. She has poisoned the minds of everyone against me!
And like a coward, she now even asks OTHER people in the community for the latest scoop on MY lovelife, personal life etc...... because she wants to spread malicious and scandalous gossip about me, but also doesn't prefer to talk to me directly anymore....! Why doesn't she mind her own business??

I had often heard from certain people that this woman has a malicious and calculating nature and is an incurable gossipmonger, and that naive people has fallen prey to them. But I never imagined I'd fall prey too, as she always claimed she sees me as a little sis and the sweetest angel. I just cannot come to terms with what she did. I have been nothing but a best friend to her. My reputation used to be that of a good, decent and sweet girl, but now it's in total ruins..!! Everyone loves her and believes HER, as she's the popular one. She has a HUGE fanbase! Nowadays whenever she spots me from a mile away, she just quickly walks the other way and disappears, or else surrounds herself by an impenetrable group of friends/devotees. She has everything going for her.... has a job, several qualifications, a wonderful husband, cute new baby, lovely house, and everyone on her side pampering her and celebrating each of her milestones in life!! People see her as some sort of a gorgeous and successful diva!! Why did she do this to me?? I am a quiet, passive, nurturing, religious and honest individual. What did I do to deserve this?? And how on earth do I get back at her and show her that I mean business now in a witty way? No way of doing so!!

[Calicorado83]

Friends aren't what they used to be. huh?
This situation sucks because you made yourself vulnerable by confiding in her, opening yourself up, trusting her.
She took advantage of that, and seems to have used your personal information as a way of making herself look better.

When approached about the gossip regarding you, I'd play it off as if the whole world knowing your secrets is no big deal.
Whenever I trust somebody, I always remember in the back of my head that the trust can still be BROKEN. And although we all
would feel better about ourselves if we weren't pessimistic, reality forces us to expect and prepare for the worst.
When asked, tell others your version of the stories they have heard, reminding them that you are the original source
of information (of course, you can always add and remove details to create a less embarrassing version) but ultimately,
you have to leave it up to them to believe what they want. Just don't go out of your way to prove anything, or you may seem
desperate in an approach of defending yourself. Once your secrets are out there, you can't really get them back. And once they
are fabricated and exaggerated, you can never really reshape them back to what they really are for people, because at that point,
they don't know what to believe, and will probably believe the more outlandish version even if it is not the truth. People like to
be entertained by others miseries and like to keep possibilities open.

So, it sucks, but I would definitely not make the situation worse by showcasing your embarrassment or anger. We're all humans,
and we all have our secrets, shames, guilts and regrets. An open-minded and honest person will see this.

As far as how to deal with this untrustworthy woman, please don't lower yourself down to her standards by trying to get back at her.
Revenge is never a good thing. If you try to blackmail her or talk bad about her behind her back, you are only making yourself look bad,
and others will see that as being untrustworthy. Try to be closer friends with those that have been there, the ones you were saying
who warned you about her. It sounds like they might have something in common with you, and can probably understand your pain.
Although, remember, you have to be careful who you trust! They might not be trustworthy either,

But you can't go through life NOT trusting. Giving someone else the benefit of the doubt, taking other people's word for it, being able
to put your trust in others is a good trait you have. It shows you are open-minded, trustworthy, sincere, and understanding. People
like to feel like people, and people like to relate to others. I can see you are a smart girl just by the way you talk, so use the head that
is on your shoulders and trust yourself to be better than her. In the end, you'll be the one people will go to, not her.

[sunflowergirl]

Hey thanx a lot for the kind suggestions and compliments, SomiticPit!! They made me feel better.

Yes I had trusted and confided in my "friend"... let's call her "Melissa".... because I had nobody else! I'm quite alien in this current environment and location that I'm living in. Yet I was facing an urgent crisis (involving my ex-bf) and she was the only person I could turn to!! I thought she'd be able to guide me... as she's older and mature and "been there and done that". And she did guide me and counsel me to a great extend, while also vowing to keep everything confidential, just as a big sis or mother would! In fact, she herself had declared that one should keep such things confidential!! But now she has gone around telling my most sensitive secrets to everyone.... including elders.... and I'm feeling "naked" and betrayed.... and of course she added fabrications, and declared me to be this and that (gave me all sorts of labels).

Horrible thing is, nobody came to me to tell me that they've been hearing stuff about me, or to even confirm if they're true or not. They're all just avoiding me and not talking to me...!!! I had no clue that it had been going on for so long, until "Katie", who is a mutual friend, had the kindness to let me know the stuff that she has heard. And in fact, those stories and propaganda had travelled from Melissa (the origin) along several channels and pathways (several individuals) before even reaching Katie's ears..!!! And nowadays everyone's simply avoiding my gaze, and snickering behind my back..!! Oh how rude and cruel the people can be..!!

Even those so-called "victims" of hers have been sucked back into her sphere of influence due to her magnetic charm and charisma, and are on her side only! That includes Katie, who shares a deep bond with her since childhood..!! Unreal stuff..!!! Melissa has the entire circle/community in her fist, you could say, and thus nobody would ever be a friend to me..!!

No I certainly wouldn't ever like to take revenge on her or get her back the same way, but don't you think I should confront her at least? I don't believe in revenge or doing damage, but I really want to confront her personally... in a tactful and non-threatening way.... just to let her know that I'm aware of her doings, that I won't take it lying down, that she should deal with me directly instead of being a coward, why she did this to me etc. Since she doesn't leave any scope for me to approach her in person nowadays, I'm thinking of sending her a message through Facebook. What say??

[Jim60]

Just leave it, hard as that may be, and move on. You will not win with people like this, if you react she will take satisfaction from knowing she has caused you such discomfort.

If there are people in the community you get on with, just be open with what has happened, like you thought she was a friend and how wrong you can be about people, and set straight any actual lies she has told. It's hard to believe you have done anything so terrible that they all will shun you.

Good luck, keep trusting people, just not too much too soon.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She lent me her shoulder to cry on, counselled me, and promised never to let out my secrets to anyone, as she is a "woman of integrity" (she always claims). She appeared to possess all the qualities of an angel. She always vowed to "shield" me through thick and thin. She always motivated me greatly towards my goals and desires in life, playing big sis to me. I became almost emotionally dependent on her as a source of strength and support!

I had often heard from certain people that this woman has a malicious and calculating nature and is an incurable gossipmonger, and that naive people has fallen prey to them. But I never imagined I'd fall prey too, as she always claimed she sees me as a little sis and the sweetest angel. I just cannot come to terms with what she did. I have been nothing but a best friend to her. My reputation used to be that of a good, decent and sweet girl, but now it's in total ruins..!! Everyone loves her and believes HER, as she's the popular one. She has a HUGE fanbase! Nowadays whenever she spots me from a mile away, she just quickly walks the other way and disappears, or else surrounds herself by an impenetrable group of friends/devotees. She has everything going for her.... has a job, several qualifications, a wonderful husband, cute new baby, lovely house, and everyone on her side pampering her and celebrating each of her milestones in life!!

The only people in life you can depend upon, tell your secrets to, constantly vent, constantly be needy, is either your "blood" or a councelor...At some point, those negatives become to much for someone not trained to take in the negative energy, the pain of someone else's emotions, constantly and learn to let it go, living therefore a positive life when that conversation is over.. Most people get drained and can't cope so walk away eventually. But, most people will then leave it at that and get on with their life.

Always follow your gut feeling, "you heard she did this" but never expected she'd do it to you. You needed "someone" and so ignored the information you already had, about her and "trusted" her...Now you know that information, "gut feelings" can't be ignored, even if your in need....

We all learn lessons the hard way, but we almost always have the alarm bells go off, before we put ourselves through that lesson...

You're wrong sweet, people KNOW who she is, WHAT she is, they've told you...and so the followers know as well, they purely do not want to be at the end of her wrath, be the one she gossips about, they are also envious of what she has in life and wish that they had that life, so they surround themselves around her, so they can "live" a part of their fantasy, listen to her tails of the day, her success, it inspires them to hopefully go somewhere themselves in life, much like you did...on the side of admiration...

"Angels" do comfort, do listen, do understand.... They don't gossip... If you wan't my opinion? She's un-happy in life, she may have success, children, money, looks, but she has nothing else, she has no passions, no great love, probably a shirt sex life, she doesn't like being tied down, she is needy, she wants freedom and so her comfort is to surround herself with "herself" like minded people that are free, searching in life...

She's living a life of make believe herself, probably by choice to prove to someone from her past, she can be someone, but deep down inside, she's miserable....

Don't be fooled to think that people actually listen to her gossip, people don't like people that gossip, it puts fear in them of what that person would say about them....They want to be like her, she wants to be like them....She's un-happy in life, your not right?

So, smile and give that as your answer to anyone that you know she gossiped to... "It's a shame when someone appears to have it all, yet is sad inside, not happy with life really, it's a struggle all that work, a husband, child, no life, that they have to gossip it's like venting only you can't talk about yourself to people, so you choose to "use" someone else"....give them food for thought.

CW

[sunflowergirl]

Chandler's Wish, thank you for the awesome advice! This is what I call REAL empathy...!!!

Just to clarify one thing: When I started hearing from people that she is malicious and loves to gossip and spread lies, it was already too late..! I had already confided everything in her by then, because I was still fairly new to the town and ignorant about her true nature. The first person everyone runs to when they face a personal crisis is a friend.... preferably someone who is either of the same age group or someone who has "been there and done that", and not necessarily a counselor (by the way, there are hardly any good ones available in the small town where I live). But yeah, all in all, was too late when I found out real stuff about her.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Actually, I got that bit after I posted So gut feeling didn't come into it on this occasion but you will be wary on the next one