[Trifides]

Hi all,

I'm in a tizz I guess. I've been with my BF for 2 years- I'm 39 he's 51. We live together with his 2 kids (from previous relationship). All in all, it's a great relationship, I suppose he's 'the one' and boy did it take long enough to find him! Sadly, now we've run up against a wall- I'd really like to have a child (and I don't have a lot of time), he doesn't. He says he just can't go there again. We have therefore reached an impass and are planning to breakup.

I'd love a child but the thought of breaking up is really traumatic. Plus I'm also thinking about all the other considerations- I may not meet anyone else especially at my age, there seem to be so many older single gals out there who aren't having much luck (not a lot of single older men where I come from). I mightn't meet someone I feel the same way about. I mightn't be able to have a child. It all seems to be a huge gamble.

So, here I am just wondering if anyone has been through something similar to this? Or maybe someone has some advice.

I know some people might have thought 51 is too old to be a dad but I have an older dad who's 91 now and all 4 of his kids couldn't have asked for a better dad. Both me and other half are very fit and active so I wasn't worried about age. Anyway, this isn't about that now- it's should I give up the child wish and stay or go?

Thanks for any advice.

C

[WildChild]

You really have to weigh the possibilities here. You might easily be able to find a sperm donor but if you want a real connection that needs to happen on its own and that takes time.
At this age you have a 44% chance of getting pregnant without any fertility drugs or in vitro and a 64% chance within 4 years.

A man over 50 has about a 50% drop in fertility and a 5.75% higher chance of a child with autism, than a man under 30.

You also have a higher risk of having a child with Downs Syndrome or schizophrenia.

You say he is "the one". Are you really willing to give that up? Do you really want to be 60, post menopausal and going to school events? How are you going to feel about people asking if you are jr's grandma? LOL it will happen. I had my kids in my mid 30s and I am almost always older than the other mothers and it can create a little distance. Your freinds who are in your age group are winding it down with children in their lives, what kind of support network will you have? I'm still raising kids while most of the people I went to school with are playing with grandkids, starting second careers and going off on adventures.

You have a lot to consider. You are the only one who can decide but personally I would focus on developing some creative aspects of life and enjoying the maturing of the children who are in it.

[stressed]

My parents were both 40 when they had me; I turned out, psychically, mentally and socially, fine It never bothered me that my parents were next to always older than the other parents, I actually love their age now, as an adult. I learn so much from them every day, couldn't have asked for better parents.

Now, I don't think the problem here is age-related, as much as goal-oriented. You are two people with different goals in life. Did he tell you from the start that he doesn't want any more children, or did the subject never come up before those 2 years? Do you want a child just to have one, or do you want a child with this man?

You're not too old to find another man, you never are, but if you really want a child of your own and he'd rather lose you than have one with you, then you should probably move on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ask yourself..

If you really wanted a child, you would have had one by now..

I know you are going to say but I couldn't find the right person, or I am career orientated, etc, but when that urge is so strong that is what you want to be a Mother, whether you become single for the rest of your life as a result you will stop the pill, do anything to have that child.

I'm thinking, that you are finally settled in your life, found someone who loves you, you him ( I hope) seeing as he's prepared to lose you, if you continue wanting his child.....and as such, you want that dream, marriage, baby, everlasting tale...

I thought that I did at 37, married for the first time, at 37, engaged a couple of times before that, but was career orientated...

I have a daughter, step daughter, now, engaged at 47...She will have a baby I have the rest of my life, no ties, travel, everything to look forward to....

Think about it.

[London09]

Why do you want a child? What would it add to the relationship to your life? People say they want a baby, it's only a baby for a year, then you have a toddler who screams and asks why a million times a day, then you have to potty train, and do school and it just goes on and on and on. I am a mother of three grown, 32,30 and 24 and I love my kids more then anything on this earth BUT if I had to do it all over again I would not and most of my friends would not either.
They see no reason to bring another person into another over crowded world.

[Trifides]

Thanks all,

It really does help hearing what you all have to say. My own thoughts are so over crowded that trying to get a handle on this is hard sometimes!

C

[pretzel]

At this stage of my life, I'm not sure I'd want to be a father again. I'm 52 and my kids are now grown and soon enough they will be starting their own families. I'm ready to be a grandfather as opposed to being a father again. I'm ready to start a new chapter of life. Chances are within a couple of years his kids will be on their own and the opportunity to give to you totally, to enjoy those things he couldn't do when raising the children instead of being the good "family man" may be important to him.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm not saying it's selfish or not, but it is important. Having another child and giving up what he had hoped for as he reached his later part of life is something that is definately weighing on his mind.

[Cyndie32]

When I was 40 I dated and ended up living with a man that was 29. My oldest child was 21 and my youngest was 17. I had raised my children. He, on the other hand, had not had any children. Before we moved in together, we had a very serious talk about him not having children. I knew, for sure, without a doubt, that I would not have any more children. He swore he was okay with this. That he would be fine without children and that it wasn't that important to him because he really enjoyed what we had. Then my oldest son and his wife had a baby. I was a grandma. You could see it was eating at my boyfriend. He wanted a child but was to scared to tell me. He ended up leaving me. No note.. No goodbye... He is now married to a woman and has two children. I am happy for him and maybe if I would have been a little more insightful I would have been able to see his true desire.