[jordie]

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years. We've been living together for over a year. Things haven't always been great, but our day to day is awesome. He just recently told me for the first time that marriage was in his plans.

Shortly after this, I noticed some changes. He is constantly aggravated by me. He has been short and harsh and overall distant. To be fair, we are in financial straights right now. He is stressed about that- and work, and I think he is starting to resent me doing work from home- not bringing in enough money.

If he's not at work, he's home for the most part. But he DOES and always has hidden his phone from me. We've gotten in huge fights about it. He does have names and names of girls I don't know on there. I know he IM's with women too. Mostly, I've gotten over this. Simply because it didn't seem enough reason to leave, and I certainly wasn't getting anywhere fighting about it. And because he was home, and affectionate- I let it go.

But now my mind is running wild. He's being emotionally unavailable and distant and harsh and building walls around himself. If I say anything about it- he states he is stressed and working (though he only talked about working all weekend. i did as he demanded and stayed away- only to find he hadn't worked at all!) and to grow up and stop being so needy. But I can tell there is a difference. My biggest fear is to get played and never know it.

He has proven he loves me, but I've noticed in the past how he gets angry and fiercely independent suddenly when he feels cornered. He says it's a response to my actions. I say my actions are in response to him. We get nowhere.

Am I being too needy? Do I need to let things lie for a while and see if he becomes emotionally available again? Or is it time, finally, to protect myself and move on?

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think its 'needy' being concerned about the fact he hides his phone from you and messages women and lies about when he's working. I don't get where needy plays into it at all.

So unless you are omitting something else... I don't think you are behaving in a needy way... I think you feel hurt and confused about his lies about working, I think it would be hard to trust a man that lies... about anything, not to mention how he holds on to his phone so secretively.

But that being said, you said you know he talks to girls, you have decided that doesn't hurt you enough to want to leave him over it, he's always hidden his phone from you and that has not been enough to make you want to start no-win arguments over...

To me it sounds like he isn't respecting you as the big part of his life he's proclaming you to be... would you really consider marrying him at this point just because he asks? A marriage is a life-partnership, whats yours is his and vice versa... and he sounds like he wants a life with you and a seperate little world away from you..I think that couples should also be individuals , have their own interests and hobbies etc... but they need to be willing to be open and honest about whats going on with them... if what he's saying on his phone is something he can't share with you -- should he really be saying it?

Needy is breathing down his neck, not giving him enough space to be his own person... being his own person however shouldn't involve a web of secrecy and lies that if you dare question you are deemed 'needy'. Does that make sense? You shouldn't question him on every little thing he does... but you also shouldn't feel like you are walking on eggshells when it comes to wanting answers to things that genuinly hurt your feelings.

[Ashlee T.]

Can't say it better than HD did. I totally 100% agree.

[jordie]

Wow. Great stuff, thanks. I guess the only thing I'm omitting is that I can tend to be a bit manic. If he say's he's stressed and doesn't want to deal with it then- I have a real hard time letting it go. Kinda like picking at a scab I guess. And there are plenty reasons I would marry him. It has taken me a long time to get to that point as well. I guess I thought the phone would eventually take care of itself. I mean, I knew he wasn't cheating- and I figured this need he had to stay in contact with these women would ebb. I guess it has somewhat- but it's still there. He's a good man who is supportive and kind, and deals with my crazy quite well, usually. But it's almost as if every 6 months or so he has to do something to prove he's still his own man. And the way he does that is lash out at me. I starting to think this pattern won't end- and wonder how far he would go to prove his point.

[jordie]

I should also state he didn't lie about working. He just made a huge deal about having so much work to do- so I left the house for the entire day. I came back and the laptop hadn't moved. He hadn't moved. He'd done nothing. Next day- same thing. And he wonders why I feel he just is bothered by me being around him at all.

[clare]

I don't think you're being needy, I think most people would be the same if in your situation.