[MarlaSanger]

Hi, Ive been going out with my current boyfriend for 5 months now and although it seems like it is juvenile to say but I love him. Having said that I unfortunately have continued to carrying around this massive amount of sexual baggage which is now starting to ruin our relationship
When i was younger I hung out with older people so I did what I thought I was suppose to do which was disrespecting my body, not standing up for myself, using alcohol to make myself have sexual contact with another male and letting myself get verbally and sexually abused. Before my current boyfriend I had never enjoyed getting close to anyone, never had an orgasm and I had to be under the influence to do anything. Ive told him about the sexual abuse i experienced my entire life but he feels like I should be able to let it go by now since we love and care about each other. I don't know why I cant let my past go.

ok so now onto my actual concern; When I sleep at my boyfriends house if we don't mess around at all and he actually turns me down when I try to arouse him I get so upset I feel my chest tightening and I start to feel the way I felt when I was abused in the past. I know its wrong to be mad at him because hes not a machine, he can't be ready for me 24/7. Why do i feel like this!?! Its awful and selfish. I know he loves me he shows it in many ways so why cant I accept that we don't have to mess around every time were with each other (which is daily)

[Ashlee T.]

Yes. Sungoddess hit the nail on the head. Sex to you is reassurance...affirmation that you are wanted, needed, desired. When he doesn't want to, you feel rejected, unwanted. For many years you have let your level of sexual involvement with men determine your self worth.

We all want to be wanted. No one enjoys being rejected. That's tough no matter what your past is.

Counseling may be a good idea to get past some of the issues that are clearly still haunting you. There comes a time when you must be able to move forward from them.

[MarlaSanger]

Thank you both, I hate that I already knew that would be the answer to my question. I over analyze everything and sex is something that I know I analyze way too much. I tried going to counseling but somehow I always end up not going or avoid making appointments.

I let my past define me which I'm sure is common with anybody who has been sexually abused but is it wrong to want my boyfriend to not think of those events but be always aware of how careful I want him to always be with me not only during sex but anything that could push my buttons? I think its unfair to put that burden on him but sometimes I feel like I should get the right because of my past and be touched in a way (as dumb as this sounds) like hes fixing me and showing me the beauty I forget sometimes in all aspects of a relationship...

[rcoreyus]

Separately from your particular history, being turned down for sex is upsetting to most people. Unless there is a real reason (illness, unavoidable work etc), it seems such a personal rejection. The idea that your lover would prefer whatever they are doing to making love to you seems directly insulting.

So - I don't think its unusual or bad that you get upset.

That said, if you think your desire for sex has an unhealthy source, that may still be a problem.