[eliz26]

I am 26 years old, recently divorced and needing some advice about a current relationship.

First off, I was married for 3 1/2 years to a guy that was terrific at times, but other times very emotionally abusive, and also physically abusive. I decided to end the marriage back in the fall and the divorce was final in Jan. of this year. Since then, I have really been doing some careful soul searching, trying to understand what I need and want out of future realtionships, and at the same time, trying to take care omyself. Divorce is hard as no matter whose choice it is to leave.

Anyway, during this time, I have really started to fall for a friend of mine that happens to be a lot older than me... 27 years to be exact. We have both discussed the age difference, but the interesting thing is that it doesn't feel like it's even there. When we are together, we don't feel the age gap. We have great converstaion, enjoy one another's company, like many of the same things, etc. The age is almost a non-issue, except that I can't put it to rest... probably because it isn't quite the "norm." I have great concern over what others will think, most specifically, my parents. The issue is that he seems to be just about everything that I would like in a potential mate. We have a wonderfully deep, quite spiritual connection. I realize he isn't perfect, nor am I, but he is truly showing me what love should/can be. Just as a side note, he has been very supportive of me in varying capacties as I’ve dealt with my divorce. He was married once for seven years and has been encouraging me to feel all of the emotions I need to feel during this healing process, at the same time telling me that he will give me as much or as little space as I need, etc.

I know that I will eventually re-marry and have children, but when I close my eyes and imagine him in that future, I just don't see it. I have an issue with the idea of me being 60 and him being 87, or having already passed. That scares me and I have expressed this to him. We both have also raised the question "whether it is the years in one’s life that count or the life in one’s years?" Does a fulfilling and happy life mean more than literally growing old with another individual?

Am I thinking too much? I have tried to distinguish which feelings are coming from the heart and which are coming from the head, to try and make sense of this, but I can't seem to. I absolutely love and adore this man and he does me as well. I worry that I could be letting this age "issue" negatively impact a really wonderful chance at a healthy, life-giving relationship. But, I don't want to sell myself short either, if that is possible.

My apologies for the length of this post. Thanks for reading.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'd stop worrying so much Yep... I think you are thinking too much... plotting out when you are 60's and he's almost 90... good grief woman you are 26!!! 60 is a lifetime away!! You just got out of a marriage... you have more than a decade to decide to have children naturally and if you have found someone that makes your today brighter... why worry about 1/2 a century from now Just have fun, enjoy life... enjoy his company. He may not be your life long mate... but do you really want to jump into another life long commitment after just contracting out of one?

Enjoy the moment... find yourself, and if he makes the path brighter for the time being... and beyond... go with it, why not? Allow yourself to be happy and stop worryin'.

[oxy-moron]

Hi
I think that you know the answer already- because you want children - you want them to have a father when they are teenagers.
Dont waste your precious years. Ask your mum what its like to live with an old boy.
She will fill you in on the nasty details.

[stressed]

Enjoy the moment... find yourself, and if he makes the path brighter for the time being... and beyond... go with it, why not? Allow yourself to be happy and stop worryin'.

Exactly that.

You're recently divorced, he's also divorced, you have a wonderful time together, there's no reason to think 30+ years ahead. You're not discussing marriage or children yet, you're recovering and you need this for a while.

Enjoy this for as long as it lasts and once you find this relationship interfering with your needs (children/family/future) you can end it and he'll understand.

Relationships don't always have to be about "the future", or "what if I want a family in 5-10 years", but they can also be about the moment, the present and yourself. You're 26, you deserve to think about yourself and want to have a good time.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are bringing back memories

Firstly you need to understand that you are finally finding yourself, what you want, and what you won't accept.

Being in an emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationship makes you stop and realise your self worth but also, what I wrote above.

In your hearts of hearts, you've realised not every man is like that, but you subconciously also probably realise 7 and a half years at 53 married only, means he too made his mistakes and regrets it but realises them and now knows what he wants and how to compromise, be there, all the things he didn't do.

You two are good for each other in the now.

This experience will help both of you, but the ending someone will get hurt.

Don't think future, this is a learning thing and a process and a great thing for both of you, just go with it ..

CW

[jns]

I would suppose the maturity that a 53 year old brings to the relationship is attractive in your recently divorced situation. I also think that he is somewhat of a father figure for the comforting that a father should bring. You may end up getting comments from some others who don't understand the situation and have never walked in your shoes.

That being said, if you are happy with your SO and your relationship, who cares what some others may think. Let the tongues wag. You cannot do anything about them anyway. Good luck.

[eliz26]

Thank you all very much for your posts. Your insights are appreciated. One thing that I didn't mention about this relationship that does make it quite tricky, is that my ex accused this man and I of having an affair before the divorce was final. This was not the case; we were just good friends, but my ex did not see it this way. He blabbed all over the place that I was unfaithful, etc. I think I started to definitely have feelings for this man before the divorce was final, but no affair occurred. Anyway, because of my ex's rants, my parents have heard of this man and have an unfavorable opinion of him... even without having met him. So... needless to say, that makes things awkward as well.

Do your opinions remain unchanged?

[WildChild]

Talk to your parents and explain, plain and simple that there was no "relationship" until after the divorce. Make it clear to them that he was in no way a factor in your decision to divorce and that your ex is your ex for good reason.

[stressed]

Yep, my opinion remains unchanged.

First of all, it's typical of an ex to blame, lie and accuse, especially if he's the one left behind. An abusive ex will say you were cheating on him, a lazy ex who took you for granted will say you were jealous, a cheater will say you never had sex with him and never made the effort to look pretty, someone whose love died can say that you paid too much attention to the children and so on. So your ex's behavior doesn't surprise me at all. He must be so bitter about the divorce that he wants you to be unhappy for a while. Expectable but it will eventually fade.

As for your parents, they should believe you more than him. You have to explain the truth to them, they can even meet him if it's so important to them. But you have no obligation to let your family interfere. It's only normal to become attached to a friend who supports you right after a divorce. If anything your parents should be happy that you've moved on from an unhappy and abusive marriage, be it with someone 27 or -27 years older/younger than you.

[BabyGirl]

Firstly, Age can be an issue when Maturity is not considered by Years but by Actions. In speaking thereof, there are many 25-30 year olds that are like little teenagers, Not Mature, selfish and only thinking of themselves or self gratification.

Now also on the other hand , there are those who are Very Mature for that age Group, Responsible and Dedicated to Family, SO's,Jobs

And to be fair, there are some in their late 40's to 50's that are still very Immature.. Other very Stoic and set in their ways, seeming much older and unwilling to Change or try new things.

With the right Combination of the People, ( Actual Age in years not a point of Contemplation in the Compatibility Venue), The issue of Age or Age Difference can be a Moot point and need not be part of the determination of Love, Lovers and long term relationships.

Now in your situation, you may wish to not Over Think, but also not Under Think. If you feel you may get serious with this man and possibly want to spend a " Lifetime" with him. You will want to talk about the Future. Not necessarily the 20-30 years down the road future, but at least the next say 5 years.

Do you want kids ? Does He ? Is he willing and able and ready to be a Father again ( or for First time ) ?

Are you or he or both financially able to bring in and support a child for 18 plus years ? If you have not had this very Important discussion, not sure you are ready to or Involved enough to.. Use Protection, love and share and just enjoy each other.

If and when it comes to you two making a " Commitment" make sure you have discussed all the issues. Marriage or SO's, Kids, Finances, What if's ( Medically speaking ).

That is what counts !!

As far as you Ex.. it's none of His Business, who you love, who you decide to have in your life. As far as your parents. it's truly none of theirs either. As long as you are Happy, that should be their ONLY Concern !!!