I'm a 25 year old female and have a, somewhat, complex sexual background.
I was "enlightened" from my sexual ignorance around the age of 4 by an older male relative and, from then on, I have accumulated... how to put it?... an array of sexual experiences; all mostly unsatisfying. I have found the most pleasure in sex to be with one that I love --- where I perceive there is more meaning than perhaps technique and fleeting fantasy (although those can certainly be present with love).
But I am destroying the relationship, that I've been able to find "love" in, because I don't know how to forgive and how to trust again when it's been lost. Logically I can tell myself that no one is perfect and mistakes are inevitable, and by wanting a long-term relationship the only way it can survive is if I trust and forgive... emotionally, I can't seem to comprehend that. My current lover destroyed my trust with him by trash talking me to other females he was interested in... etc etc. Our story is rather complicated and I'm afraid I am already going to fail at simplifying this post.
I've seen a therapist --- he was unable to help me, and I've seen counselors and the like --- all of which who have, in one way or another, informed me that I "overwhelm" them and they don't have any real answers for me... just that, everyone is different and I just happened to attach to those who are incompatible with me.
BUT, do I change?
Is it terrible to aspire towards monogamy, not just in action but, in thought and in desire?
Am I just a freak that, when I am in love with one person, I become oblivious to others? Physique itself doesn't entice me... maybe I've been desensitized, but for whatever reasons, I am not aroused by the physical vessel of a person. I am aware of aesthetics, but the most I can appreciate them is when I can read into them as a persons potential display of insecurities. I really only seem to associate a body with a person after I've become familiar with them... that's when I can appreciate their body.
And given the right amount of intangible things that I do find attractive (intelligence, creativity, etc), it could be any mature body. Male. Female. Toned. Big. This or that.
And after I've recognized a love for them, I'm crazed and want to immerse myself in every mote of them. Mentally, emotionally, sexually.
But. Always. They, like everyone around me (I realize things are relative) need others to delight in, to be acknowledged by, to love and yearn for... they need variety, novelty. And I do detest being that generic respite for others, too... even if I have wrongly consoled myself in the flatteries of other men when I have been especially affected by my current lover's desires for another.
And I can't get over the idea of the one I am in love with finding others attractive --- with wanting to find them attractive, at least whilst I am incapable. I find mutuality ideal... and have, with my current lover, degraded myself, my idea of my integrity, to uphold this other ideal of "mutuality", because he has desired others... he has compared me to them, especially to his first love and things... and there is insecurity that has gradually developed and marbled through my ideals however, I know that my own idea of self-worth isn't the core of my jealousy (or at least, I presume to know).
But I can't stand him even watching other females in movies or on the computer.
I can't stand the idea of getting into watching other males --- even females --- it does nothing for me, truly, and all I have done is attempted to artificially craft an interest... so that we can have mutuality. But I hate the way I am changing. But is that natural? Should I just go through it? And learn to embrace a multitude of people?
Is monogamy even possible in this world? How do I accept that, connections just have to be generic --- that it isn't possible to have a full connection with one person?
Or is it even about that?
I spent years devoted to one person and it unraveled into the man that is my current lover (of only 3 years now). I'm really jaded about relationships, I probably should be alone and gather my self up, restore my idea of the world because prior to this I had goodwill towards it and the people in it and now all I see are people trying anything to be physically "beautiful", to be "accepted", to have this or that power over another --- and I see it enabled everywhere. I see the part I have been playing in it. I am sickened by it, but should I be?
When I was younger, I was overweight. I was molested by older men, but the ones my age wanted nothing to do with me... until high school, when I lost weight. I become obsessed with dancing, got into drugs, and art, was numb when I was "raped" and soon parted my legs for this boy and that man, but when I realized I could get the attention of other people after I had lost weight... I became anorexic and didn't want to let go of it. And though I've long since recovered from those things and have found a love of food in moderation and joy in cooking --- I still find myself helpless at the pressure of being beautiful to be noticed. To be accepted. And it bears no real value to me. None. Why is it that people only seem to care about someone when they can get something out of it?
Why is there so much strain upon others to be beautiful? I love a man who others have told me I am far too gorgeous to be with. They don't think of tenderness, kindness, treatment --- they think of looks and wealth. IS THAT THE WAY THE WORLD MUST BE? And do I just join it, indefinitely?
I don't want to. I want there to be, at least, one other person, that sees beyond the onslaught of superficial lust and the desperate desires to feel cared for. But it seems, that it is man's nature to gawk and be deceived... for whatever reasons, I imagine we each have our own.
I never wanted to open my mess of vulnerability up to someone that was unable to withstand it... but that's precisely what I did.
Is it so unnatural to not be attracted to people, to only want to be attracted to one person --- and for that one person, to want the same?
I was "enlightened" from my sexual ignorance around the age of 4 by an older male relative and, from then on, I have accumulated... how to put it?... an array of sexual experiences; all mostly unsatisfying. I have found the most pleasure in sex to be with one that I love --- where I perceive there is more meaning than perhaps technique and fleeting fantasy (although those can certainly be present with love).
But I am destroying the relationship, that I've been able to find "love" in, because I don't know how to forgive and how to trust again when it's been lost. Logically I can tell myself that no one is perfect and mistakes are inevitable, and by wanting a long-term relationship the only way it can survive is if I trust and forgive... emotionally, I can't seem to comprehend that. My current lover destroyed my trust with him by trash talking me to other females he was interested in... etc etc. Our story is rather complicated and I'm afraid I am already going to fail at simplifying this post.
I've seen a therapist --- he was unable to help me, and I've seen counselors and the like --- all of which who have, in one way or another, informed me that I "overwhelm" them and they don't have any real answers for me... just that, everyone is different and I just happened to attach to those who are incompatible with me.
BUT, do I change?
Is it terrible to aspire towards monogamy, not just in action but, in thought and in desire?
Am I just a freak that, when I am in love with one person, I become oblivious to others? Physique itself doesn't entice me... maybe I've been desensitized, but for whatever reasons, I am not aroused by the physical vessel of a person. I am aware of aesthetics, but the most I can appreciate them is when I can read into them as a persons potential display of insecurities. I really only seem to associate a body with a person after I've become familiar with them... that's when I can appreciate their body.
And given the right amount of intangible things that I do find attractive (intelligence, creativity, etc), it could be any mature body. Male. Female. Toned. Big. This or that.
And after I've recognized a love for them, I'm crazed and want to immerse myself in every mote of them. Mentally, emotionally, sexually.
But. Always. They, like everyone around me (I realize things are relative) need others to delight in, to be acknowledged by, to love and yearn for... they need variety, novelty. And I do detest being that generic respite for others, too... even if I have wrongly consoled myself in the flatteries of other men when I have been especially affected by my current lover's desires for another.
And I can't get over the idea of the one I am in love with finding others attractive --- with wanting to find them attractive, at least whilst I am incapable. I find mutuality ideal... and have, with my current lover, degraded myself, my idea of my integrity, to uphold this other ideal of "mutuality", because he has desired others... he has compared me to them, especially to his first love and things... and there is insecurity that has gradually developed and marbled through my ideals however, I know that my own idea of self-worth isn't the core of my jealousy (or at least, I presume to know).
But I can't stand him even watching other females in movies or on the computer.
I can't stand the idea of getting into watching other males --- even females --- it does nothing for me, truly, and all I have done is attempted to artificially craft an interest... so that we can have mutuality. But I hate the way I am changing. But is that natural? Should I just go through it? And learn to embrace a multitude of people?
Is monogamy even possible in this world? How do I accept that, connections just have to be generic --- that it isn't possible to have a full connection with one person?
Or is it even about that?
I spent years devoted to one person and it unraveled into the man that is my current lover (of only 3 years now). I'm really jaded about relationships, I probably should be alone and gather my self up, restore my idea of the world because prior to this I had goodwill towards it and the people in it and now all I see are people trying anything to be physically "beautiful", to be "accepted", to have this or that power over another --- and I see it enabled everywhere. I see the part I have been playing in it. I am sickened by it, but should I be?
When I was younger, I was overweight. I was molested by older men, but the ones my age wanted nothing to do with me... until high school, when I lost weight. I become obsessed with dancing, got into drugs, and art, was numb when I was "raped" and soon parted my legs for this boy and that man, but when I realized I could get the attention of other people after I had lost weight... I became anorexic and didn't want to let go of it. And though I've long since recovered from those things and have found a love of food in moderation and joy in cooking --- I still find myself helpless at the pressure of being beautiful to be noticed. To be accepted. And it bears no real value to me. None. Why is it that people only seem to care about someone when they can get something out of it?
Why is there so much strain upon others to be beautiful? I love a man who others have told me I am far too gorgeous to be with. They don't think of tenderness, kindness, treatment --- they think of looks and wealth. IS THAT THE WAY THE WORLD MUST BE? And do I just join it, indefinitely?
I don't want to. I want there to be, at least, one other person, that sees beyond the onslaught of superficial lust and the desperate desires to feel cared for. But it seems, that it is man's nature to gawk and be deceived... for whatever reasons, I imagine we each have our own.
I never wanted to open my mess of vulnerability up to someone that was unable to withstand it... but that's precisely what I did.
Is it so unnatural to not be attracted to people, to only want to be attracted to one person --- and for that one person, to want the same?
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