[terca59833]

My Fiance and I had been happy together for 2 years then I got a job transfer (I am in the military) to Texas which is 1700 miles away from where we were living. He was planning to move down here, to be with me, and we continued to make our plans to build a future together, and he even had a job lined up. Last month his ex wife sent him a letter through her lawyer that said if he moved to Texas She would take full costody of his two children(16 and 13) demand 700 dollars more in child support, and he would have to provide health insurance. Of coarse she doesn't work and never has, thus her motivation for doing this. This came as a devastaing blow to both of us, and because he has backed out at the last minute twice before, I knew he would again. I felt scared, knew I was going to be abandoned again, and said some nasty things in anger to him for backing out on me again, and for not taking care of this problem in court sooner, It is not like we did not know this was coming. A week later, he suddenly says he does not love me anymore, everything is different, and he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. His whole universe is now all about his kids. Well that is great and all, but what about us? That is not all, I have a five year old that beleives he is Daddy, and this man doesn't want to talk to him anymore either. Knowing him like I do, I think the guilt and hurt is too much for him to bear, so he is doing his best to shut us out. What should I do? Keep calling him? Hang on to him? or Move on? Most everyone says to move on, which is like saying stop loving him. It is not that easy. I find it hard to beleive he doesnt love me anymore, yet he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and that is not very loving behavior. I am just very confused.

[WildChild]

Sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants if you have been through this with him before. Looks like your course should be pretty clear though.

[jns]

He should have manned up and got things stabilized before this. It sounds like he will be available in 5 years or more. I think you can do better.

[Guest]

You asked/told/encouraged/or forced him to decide between his children and you. IMO - he did the right thing, as any parent should - choose their children. I've never met a mother who would ever put any man before her children. Why is it okay for you to assume that he would?

If the roles were reversed, would you leave your child with their father in order to move 1700 miles away to be with a man? I don't think so...

As far as the relationship with his ex, the custody of the children (I assume thay have joint legal custody) and the threat of being taken back to court for more support....all of it sounds like a bunch of bunk! Though laws vary greatly between states, most of these threats wouldn't hold water in a court room. If she's not working how can she hire an attorney? I'd call that bluff so fast it would make her head spin. I'd file for full custody myself if I were him.

Sooner or later, he's going to have to get the guts to challenge her threats in court and get the court to get her to stop making them. As long as he responds to them as he does currently...she WINS and the children lose.

Depending on the state, once children reach a certain age, frequently 14, they have the right to speak and be heard in open court and the court will take into consideration what they have said. So IF they want to live with dad, wherever he is, your man may have an advantage already.

I am not a lawyer, so I suggest he consult with one. Tell him to get a mean one too. "Family" court is where battles take place between opposing parties. It's not all gum balls and lolipops like the court system wants you to think it is....and has NOTHING to do with "Family".

[terca59833]

No, I would never ask him or tell him to choose me or the kids. The kids wanted to come down here to live with us. We have tried to fight the court battle once before, and to do it all again would take five years or more, so there is no point in that. The bottom line is he needs to stay to see to it that his kids are taken care of, since she really does nothing (in my opinion) to care for them, physically or emotionally. They truely need their Dad. At this point I dont expect him to move down here, what I am confused about is why does the relationship have to end? Why does he choose not to talk to me? Just because he has responsibility to his kids means the relationship has to end? All he ever says is it has to be this way and things have changed, he doesnt love me anymore. I am not so sure I beleive that, and so I am stuck with do I keep trying to communicate with him, or just give up. Trying to get myself to stop loving him when I dont want to is not working either. I dont know what to do, and all I do is cry non stop because this is just so devastating!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We say things in anger, but if those words were a total put down of the soul, the other person will stew on that, and believe your words are meant and in that, make the decision they are better left alone and they would be hurting if those words were to paint a picture .....