[BabyGirl]

Mark.. It seems you are trying very hard, maybe too hard, to get Sex back in your marriage.

Let me ask you a couple of hypothetical questions . These are based on what happened to Christopher and Dana Reeves.
* Christopher being the Superman Famed man that was thrown from his horse and was paralyzed. He could not make love with his wife Dana, at least not with his Body, but he sure could make Love to her with his Heart..

So here's the Questions.
1) Should something happen that made either yourself or your wife physically unable to have Sex, Would your love for each other change ? Would you or she Leave the other because you two could not be Physically Capable ?

2) After you think of that, and I mean really come to a Decision on if you or she would stay in the marriage when there would be no Physical Sexual Gratification between the two of you. Would you Leave her ? Would you understand if she left you ?

3) Can you or she see beyond the Physical Love and be satisfied with the Emotional Love, The Soul Love ?

4) If you can take the " Sexual Gratification " out of your Vows of Marriage can you still Stand by her or her you, Can you see yourself still in Love, Still Loving, Still wanting to Share your life with her or her you ?

Now think of her inability or desire to have Sex as an "Emotional or Mental Handicap ". One that just like a Physical Handicap, can be worked on to an Extent.. But the Diagnosis may be one that the " Handicap " may not be overcome to the point that you may wish it to be.

That is when you must Decide on just how deep your love is or How Committed you two are to Each other.

Once we realize that INTERCOURSE is a Physical Act and that Love is an Emotional Feeling and having both at the same time is a Satisfying kind of Love and or Marriage..
We must also then Accept that True Love and Devotion is From The Heart and Soul/ Spirit. It is not the actions of Penis & Vagina that Make Love "Love", however, It does and can Enhance the Closeness of the Mind, Body and Spirit,

But it should not be the Deciding Factor of if your Love is True and Strong or for Forever. As, and I quote , Dana Reeves to her Husband Christopher, after the Paralyzing Accident

"I still love you no matter what. You are still you."

Dana Lived without Sex from Christopher, Christopher lived without Sex from Dana. But they shared one of the Strongest Loves of all Times. The " Through Sickness and Health, Till Death do us Part " kind of Love.


Definitely not trying to judge you or your wife or even your relationship. But I will ask a couple of more questions..

Do you realize that there are men out there that Cannot Get it Up ? There are pills that some say might work or help, But it's not the same thing to them, The needing Help part .
There are women out there that have No or limited Sex drive and as I understand there are pills for them also.

There are Men and Woman out there without a Partner and they still have Sexual " Needs or Wants ".

Now ask yourself, just how these Men and Women take care of their Sexual Gratification . Yep, Self Gratification , Hands or Toys or " Blow up Dolls, Fake Penis's. ECT.

Continue your Quest to Sexify your Marriage, But most importantly is to realize that SEX does not Make the Marriage or Relationship.
If it is the utmost Goal you have and after all this time, you are not Satisfied,

Then Move on to a kind of Relationship that Gratifies your Heart , Mind, Body and Soul.

[Guest]

Mark.. It seems you are trying very hard, maybe too hard, to get Sex back in your marriage.

Let me ask you a couple of hypothetical questions . These are based on what happened to Christopher and Dana Reeves.
* Christopher being the Superman Famed man that was thrown from his horse and was paralyzed. He could not make love with his wife Dana, at least not with his Body, but he sure could make Love to her with his Heart..

So here's the Questions.
1) Should something happen that made either yourself or your wife physically unable to have Sex, Would your love for each other change ? Would you or she Leave the other because you two could not be Physically Capable ?
No, but I would find other ways. She wouldn't care.

2) After you think of that, and I mean really come to a Decision on if you or she would stay in the marriage when there would be no Physical Sexual Gratification between the two of you. Would you Leave her ? Would you understand if she left you ?
I would leave, I need that bonding and closeness, she could care less about it.

3) Can you or she see beyond the Physical Love and be satisfied with the Emotional Love, The Soul Love ? I can see both, she doesn't seem to be in love anymore. I'm not satisfied with just the emotional, I need the physical love too.

4) If you can take the " Sexual Gratification " out of your Vows of Marriage can you still Stand by her or her you, Can you see yourself still in Love, Still Loving, Still wanting to Share your life with her or her you ?
Sexual Gratification was part of the vows as I understood them at the time of the funeral, er... marriage.

Now think of her inability or desire to have Sex as an "Emotional or Mental Handicap ". One that just like a Physical Handicap, can be worked on to an Extent.. But the Diagnosis may be one that the " Handicap " may not be overcome to the point that you may wish it to be. Would she understand my handicap of not being able to love without the physical aspect of the marriage- ah, Not a chance.

That is when you must Decide on just how deep your love is or How Committed you two are to Each other. I'm committed and I thought she was too. She wanted a divorce, so I guess I'm committed and she really doesn't care one way or the other.

Once we realize that INTERCOURSE is a Physical Act and that Love is an Emotional Feeling and having both at the same time is a Satisfying kind of Love and or Marriage..
We must also then Accept that True Love and Devotion is From The Heart and Soul/ Spirit. It is not the actions of Penis & Vagina that Make Love "Love", however, It does and can Enhance the Closeness of the Mind, Body and Spirit,

Without the closeness of mind, body and spirit you have roommates, not a marriage as I see it. If a couple gets married and never has sex, in my eyes they aren't married until they do.

But it should not be the Deciding Factor of if your Love is True and Strong or for Forever. As, and I quote , Dana Reeves to her Husband Christopher, after the Paralyzing Accident



Dana Lived without Sex from Christopher, Christopher lived without Sex from Dana. But they shared one of the Strongest Loves of all Times. The " Through Sickness and Health, Till Death do us Part " kind of Love.


Definitely not trying to judge you or your wife or even your relationship. But I will ask a couple of more questions..

Do you realize that there are men out there that Cannot Get it Up ? There are pills that some say might work or help, But it's not the same thing to them, The needing Help part .
There are women out there that have No or limited Sex drive and as I understand there are pills for them also.

There are Men and Woman out there without a Partner and they still have Sexual " Needs or Wants ".

Now ask yourself, just how these Men and Women take care of their Sexual Gratification . Yep, Self Gratification , Hands or Toys or " Blow up Dolls, Fake Penis's. ECT.

Not the same thing as a living breathing person you love. Self gratification only goes so far and for so long until that person seeks it elsewhere from a receptive female. You cannot expect a man to go forever without sex, if you do, you are only fooling yourself and he will stray.

Continue your Quest to Sexify your Marriage, But most importantly is to realize that SEX does not Make the Marriage or Relationship.
If it is the utmost Goal you have and after all this time, you are not Satisfied,

Then Move on to a kind of Relationship that Gratifies your Heart , Mind, Body and Soul.

This isn't off the table for me and might be a very real possibility.

The bad part is that there is a child involved. How can he know of true love if one of his parents is constantly in a state of sexual frustration? True love is fine and a Great Idea without the closeness of body, but it's a myth for most who need the closeness of a sexual partner. You can eat cake for days and weeks on end, but sooner or later you will choke on it without water. I'm choking here... and have been since last July.......

[Guest]

pretzel, her parents aren't religious at all. They never really went to church. They just didn't talk about sex at all to any of their children. They just let them find out on their own. My wife never saw a penis until she was in college. She never really had any men interested in her until I met her. She said she felt like she could be herself around me. That's what made her see me in a different light. She saw me as being genuine, I can only be me. I can't be something I'm not as most who know me here already knows it. I'm just me, and to some I'm just a big pain in the rear end because I just don't get it most of the time. 1 + 1 = 2 in my world. But it seems to add up to any number in women's world. I'm basic, I think logic and as things have worked in the past, so too will they work today and in the future to come. This is my basis for all that works in my world. Nothing is complicated, not even women, even though they like to think of themselves as complicated. No such thing as complicated, because once broken down it's all simple. Nothing is complicated. Nothing is impossible in my world, a camel through the eye of a needle- Easy as pie- liquify the camel and pour him straight through the needles' eye- Simple, is it not?
I can't find the answer, but it is a very basic, simple thing that's wrong. I have found part of the answer here, I think the rest of the answer is in her mind. I just have to wake that part up somehow to get her to respond.
Now... you know how my mind works. Basic, simple and like many cavemen before me

[pretzel]

Yeah, I think you and I are pretty similar in a lot of ways.

Your last paragraph is most telling and where you need to be going forward. It's a realization that you can only do so much for someone. After that, it's up to them. Then you need to be observant and react to what they want. Sometimes the goals come together, sometimes they don't.

It's not easy.

[oxy-moron]

MarkT


Try to think of the generous touch method of getting you wife back into bedroom in a different way.
Imagine you had a full pot of water over a camp fire. There are only embers in the fire and they are not getting the water warm. You add a piece of kindling and the fire suddenly picks up- but after a little while you are frustrated that things dont seem to be happening- so you stir the pot- water splashes over and the spilled water dampens the flames. The pot is still warmer than it was and the embers are a bit brighter but you are angry and thinking about kicking some dirt onto the embers. This would be a mistake.
You know how to build a fire from scatch - the trick is to start slowly and build up.
Use the touch and do not try to talk her up.

She is already showing you what she wants with the cuddles.

From a online article from Colleen Oakley

==================
To make matters worse, the hormones that are responsible for boosting your bedroom bliss pull a disappearing act right when you need them most. “In the beginning of a relationship, the sex hormones oestrogen and testosterone, dopamine (the pleasure neurotransmitter) and oxytocin (the warm and fuzzy bonding hormone) spike,” says sex therapist Dr Barbara Bartlik. “But then they can decline back to base levels at about 24 months.”

Scientists aren’t exactly sure why things fizzle out, but they suspect it might have something to do with evolution. “In the human species, newborns have the best chance of survival when they have two parents during their first couple of years of life,” says biological anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why Him? Why Her?. “So whether or not you decide to have kids, you’re hardwired to form a strong two-year sexual bond, which acts as superglue to ensure neither parent leaves for another mate while the child is still developing.”
==========================================


Oestrogen and testosterone, dopamine are out of direct control but you dont need to manipulate them- You need to manipulate her oxytocin levels and you do this with touch, cuddles and massage- build up slowly - take time.



I have also started to worry that you are using your IBS as a crutch and a shield.
You are not facing anything more than others have faced.
Do not depend on the conventional Medical professionals to fix IBS- It is likely that it was initially started by Anti-biotics or Alcohol but ultimately is caused by the Western Diet.
Once you get over your IBS you will be able to face life from a position of strength.

Good luck