[A Concerned Friend]

Can you send her bus or train tix without her husband finding out? That may be necessary.

I don't think it will get there without him knowing...... believe me it has crossed my mind. The only way we were able to talk today was because he was asleep. But the moment she called me he started calling her. Once from his mom's phone and then to his phone (which was in her purse) and her phone. I guess he woke up after she left. I told her to just start driving and not look back but she said she can't. She said she is going to get a plane ticket for Friday. Apparently she had a ticket for today but missed the plane because he told her it was a 2 hour drive to the airport when in fact it was a 4 hour drive. I see that as more control. A way to prevent her from leaving.

[A Concerned Friend]

You are an awesome friend for being there for her and being concerned for her safety. You are right in fearing for her, both mentally and physically.

Do some research and find a safe space in her area for domestic violence victims. Send her the info and tell her to gradually pack herself a small bag of necessities. The first chance she gets, she needs to get out of that house and get to the safe space. Then, while there she can gather her thoughts, get herself a bus or plane ticket home.

If she's willing, you can help her get out of there.

Good for you for being such a great friend.

I'll have to find out where she is in MI. I'm not sure which town she's in. It might be another week before she can get away long enough to call me.

[pretzel]

I know it's tough. Something in your last post is interesting. You mentioned that she had a plane tix for today but he gave her wrong info on the time it takes to get to the airport? He knows that she wants to leave him?

You mentioned she has a secure e-mail account. I've done this before and made plane reservations for my step daughter and in the confirmation section, put her e-mail address as primary.

[A Concerned Friend]

I think he has an idea that she's trying to get out. When he was there and she was here still she was able to stand up to him a little and he would make comments like "Oh, ***** is being independent". I'm not sure if he knows or has a feeling she wants out but is scared to leave.

[spurzzz]

Hello, many thanks for keeping us updated.

This is all to typical behaviour from her partner, he knows exactly what he is doing and do not be surprised if he knows about you trying to help her, hence him trying to move her to another country..........abusers are very perecptive of their enemies because there cowards. Remember that and make sure you are safe too.

Again stress to your friend how she should move in with you and can stay as long as she wants.......if she agrees, make sure you and your boyfriend go and pick her up, rather than her coming on her own. However, I would try and make sure she gets professional advice first if she has the time, you didn't mention when she wants her to move. She sounds scared bless her so tread carefully. You may have to be hard on her at some point if she weakens so that she realizes the urgency of the situation, by that I mean be a little strong verbally in telling her how dangerous people like her partner can be....

We are here for you, just like you are there for her .....so please keep us updated and let us know how your feeling.

I wish you and your friend the very best.

[A Concerned Friend]

Hello, many thanks for keeping us updated.

This is all to typical behaviour from her partner, he knows exactly what he is doing and do not be surprised if he knows about you trying to help her, hence him trying to move her to another country..........abusers are very perecptive of their enemies because there cowards. Remember that and make sure you are safe too.

Again stress to your friend how she should move in with you and can stay as long as she wants.......if she agrees, make sure you and your boyfriend go and pick her up, rather than her coming on her own. However, I would try and make sure she gets professional advice first if she has the time, you didn't mention when she wants her to move. She sounds scared bless her so tread carefully. You may have to be hard on her at some point if she weakens so that she realizes the urgency of the situation, by that I mean be a little strong verbally in telling her how dangerous people like her partner can be....

We are here for you, just like you are there for her .....so please keep us updated and let us know how your feeling.

I wish you and your friend the very best.

He is trying to make the move as soon as possible. This is a post from his facebook page "We are moving to MI. AZ friends- get together for a blowout? MI friends- let me know if you hear of any good deals on property rentals. This is all going to move very fast so any help provided would be much appreciated."

This was posted after she told him she didn't want to move. He disregarded her opinion and acted like she had said yes. I freaked out when I saw this and messaged her right away.

Just a side note about her going there to be there for him. The only reason she made the trip was because he told her that his mother was dying and only had a few weeks. This, of course, turned out to be untrue.

[spurzzz]

He is trying to make the move as soon as possible. This is a post from his facebook page "We are moving to MI. AZ friends- get together for a blowout? MI friends- let me know if you hear of any good deals on property rentals. This is all going to move very fast so any help provided would be much appreciated."

This was posted after she told him she didn't want to move. He disregarded her opinion and acted like she had said yes. I freaked out when I saw this and messaged her right away.

Just a side note about her going there to be there for him. The only reason she made the trip was because he told her that his mother was dying and only had a few weeks. This, of course, turned out to be untrue.

An important question springs to mind: Are you definately sure she wants to leave him? Is that what she has clearly said in her words?.... because it seems that you are suggesting he is bad and she merely agrees rather than tell it to you herself.....some people love the drama and that is why I ask.

Also, has he ever hit her and will he hit her and be that bad monster if she tells him its over..........or is it just mindgames. Base your answer on his actions during the relationship towards her.

Once we know that she is definately willing to move and how crazy this guy is in terms of his physical capabilities we can see things more clearly. No need to panic and make rash decisions if there is no need for it....

How often do you speak to her?

[A Concerned Friend]

An important question springs to mind: Are you definately sure she wants to leave him? Is that what she has clearly said in her words?.... because it seems that you are suggesting he is bad and she merely agrees rather than tell it to you herself.....some people love the drama and that is why I ask.

Also, has he ever hit her and will he hit her and be that bad monster if she tells him its over..........or is it just mindgames. Base your answer on his actions during the relationship towards her.

Once we know that she is definately willing to move and how crazy this guy is in terms of his physical capabilities we can see things more clearly. No need to panic and make rash decisions if there is no need for it....

How often do you speak to her?

He has hit her..... Long story short.. He shoved her and she was unable to get up because she was in so much pain. He stood over her and mocked her. When she tried to reach for her pain pills he kicked them away from her and continued to yell and mock her. She wants out but she is hesitant. She knows that he is doing is wrong but makes the comments like "I don't know what to do" She, in a way, still has hope for this marriage.

He has her questioning everything..... including her own mental stability. He has her thinking that it's her that is crazy. That everything is in her head. His own mother calls him "Mr. Controlling" and he laughs at her.

Right now I've only be able to talk to her though text and on the phone maybe once a week.

[A Concerned Friend]

There was also a time where she tried to leave and he kept her in her car in the garage for 2 hours. Hitting the car and every time she tried to open the garage he would close it. She has dents in her car from him doing that.

I fear for her safety in every possible way and I know she does too. This guy is so unpredictable there is no telling what he would do when she trys to leave. I know that's the reason she questions herself and leaving. She trys to tell herself that things will change because she is scared.

[spurzzz]

He has hit her..... Long story short.. He shoved her and she was unable to get up because she was in so much pain. He stood over her and mocked her. When she tried to reach for her pain pills he kicked them away from her and continued to yell and mock her. She wants out but she is hesitant. She knows that he is doing is wrong but makes the comments like "I don't know what to do" She, in a way, still has hope for this marriage.

He has her questioning everything..... including her own mental stability. He has her thinking that it's her that is crazy. That everything is in her head. His own mother calls him "Mr. Controlling" and he laughs at her.

Right now I've only be able to talk to her though text and on the phone maybe once a week.

Being controlling is one thing and being physically aggressive is another.........he doesn't sound like he hits her often or she would not be in two minds so much. When you say "she doesn't know what to do" that is really worrying. When one is scared, they are afraid to leave but know that they should leave and want it.....same goes for if your in a "bad" relationship.......but she doesn't know if she wants to leave????? That to me suggests the situation is not as urgent as you may percieve it to be.

There is the possibility that she is just as controlling and he is? After all, you only hear her side of the story....

If I was you, I would be a bit more stern with her the next time you talk. Stress to her how you feel and ask her what she wants to do. It is not fair on you to be worrying about her when all she wants to do is continue to stay and play his games. Find out what it is she wants and tell her you will always be there for her but you are no longer going to worry about her ------ because why should you when she clearly isn't worried enough to want to leave.

When she wants to leave and is scared about leaving................that is when you can help her.

Until then, I feel it's a waiting game.......just don't hold your breathe. Be the supportive friend that you are, but don't stress yourself over her when she is not stressing herself - or not enough anyway!