[D.D]

my bf and I are both 21 years old, im his first gf and we've been together for more than a year and a half.. I'm sensing he might be a little bit possessive, but i cant really put my hands on it, ive googled possessive signs, i was able to recognize some of the things, but others seemed too much far away from what he does, like for example, he will never get abusive or anything. so i decided to ask u all about it..

first of all, he gets so jealous and insecure, i already mentioned this in another thread, if he see me talking to guys it will make him uncomfortable and he would ask me what we talked about and everything. he doesn't like me to talk about private things with my very close friends, and if i tell my best friend about a problem i had with my bf, he will be worried about the image i transfered to her.
we're constantly talking all day long, always checking on each other.
before meeting him, i had 4 friends i used to go on long trips with, we're 5, and the car fits only 5, after a while of being with him, he started telling me that he gets jealous of those trips, he wants to be with me when we go, he would like to come with us bcuz it sounds fun, i explained to him that we're friends and we don't bring bfs/gfs, he said he understood but hes still sad about it. now i don't even tell my friends to go on these trips bcuz i don't want him to be sad.

he always comments on my behavior, saying that i shouldn't do this or that, i sometimes feel like hes being my father, that he doesn't truly love me for who i am, constantly trying to fix my behavior, especially when it comes to how will people see me, he worries about what would people think, while i don't, so he's always telling me to watch out for what i do, not to write stuff on facebook that he finds inappropriate, or not to post funny pictures of myself, or not to randomly push buttons when we're in a store so that i wouldn't look like a child, and that i shouldn't laugh on sex jokes, etc

he always has something to say about how i dress, i'm conservative, not to mention so flat. yet he will always find something to comment on, he would tell me that my top is seductive in a way and ask me to be careful with it, he would always be trying to pull up my top so that it wouldn't show any cleavage (as if i had one) and pulling tops down so that my stomach wont show.

i constantly worry about how should i behave in a way that wont upset him.

i keep a distance from my guy friends, because being close to a guy at this moment, will be for him.

he expects to be with me wherever i go, yet he understands that i need to out with my girlfriends alone and when i'm with them he doesn't call me unless he has something important to say, and only asks me if i'm doing okay, not asking where i am, expecting that i would tell him everything when i get back, and i do, because we share everything.

if i tell him that hes pushing it, that i don't like that hes bothered by everything i do, he tells me that we both have to change things in us to maintain this relationship.
i know its true but i think hes just too controlling, if i stay up late, he would make me feel soooo guilty about it the next day, i feel like a child around him, i think i might have lost my confidence.

i really do need your help on this, are these things normal in a relationship? or is he possessive? what can i do now?

thanks a lot for your time

[Wiki_Panda]

First off I've got to say I'm no relationship expert...BUT if your feeling that he's too possessive, than it's probably that he's too possessive for you. Reading stuff on the internet is tricky because it's generic, but you have to remember everyone is different and not everyone will show things the same way, e.g. when i've had a night out and a few drinks i'm a happy drunk, but someone else can be a grumpy drunk...same goes in this situation.
I'm a bit like you, I go out with my friends, push buttons in shops, laugh at "inappropriate" things and generally am who I am. My boyfriend thinks I'm a bit strange for some of this, but he accepts me for who I am, and I wouldn't change anything major about myself for him. I think that when your in a relationship, you make compromises, not overhaul your personality for the other person.
As for you not seeing your friends, thats just silly, a healthy relationship needs space sometimes, you go and do your thing and he does his. Time apart is good, it gives you something to talk about for one thing...but thats just my opinion.
The bottom line is how you feel about the situation. No-one can tell you "yeah he sounds really possessive" or "no, thats just how it is", I'm a big believer in 'gut instincts', if you feel there is something wrong, there may be a good reason for this.
sorry if i haven't made things any clearer for you
x

[Wiki_Panda]

First off I've got to say I'm no relationship expert...BUT if your feeling that he's too possessive, than it's probably that he's too possessive for you. Reading stuff on the internet is tricky because it's generic, but you have to remember everyone is different and not everyone will show things the same way, e.g. when i've had a night out and a few drinks i'm a happy drunk, but someone else can be a grumpy drunk...same goes in this situation.
I'm a bit like you, I go out with my friends, push buttons in shops, laugh at "inappropriate" things and generally am who I am. My boyfriend thinks I'm a bit strange for some of this, but he accepts me for who I am, and I wouldn't change anything major about myself for him. I think that when your in a relationship, you make compromises, not overhaul your personality for the other person.
As for you not seeing your friends, thats just silly, a healthy relationship needs space sometimes, you go and do your thing and he does his. Time apart is good, it gives you something to talk about for one thing...but thats just my opinion.
The bottom line is how you feel about the situation. No-one can tell you "yeah he sounds really possessive" or "no, thats just how it is", I'm a big believer in 'gut instincts', if you feel there is something wrong, there may be a good reason for this.
sorry if i haven't made things any clearer for you
x

[secret0524]

I'm not a relationship guru either but the signs are showing. Controlling everything you do is called being possessive. Part of it I think is that because u're his first gf he's feeling insecure because he doesn't want to lose you to some other guy and wants to make sure that you still love him
.
Maybe you should talk it out with him, assure him a bit that you're going to be there for him, and tell him how you feel about how he's been acting.
Also Wiki Panda has a point. Sometimes there needs to be some distance. If he's completely restraining you like a puppet, have some time off for yourself. If you let the guy keep go on, it won't get any better.

[JadedQueen]

So you have been together for a year and a half... when the relationship first began did he act this way OR does it seem like he's gotten more controlling over the course of your relationship. Has he always given you suggestions on how to dress, what to wear, what to eat etc.... or did that start later on in the relationship?
What is his parent's relationship like?
Is his Dad controlling? Do they constantly worry about how others perceive them?
How does he get along with your friends? Does he try to get you to include him in regards to your friends, or does he try to get you to exclude your friends and focus entirely on him?
He may be acting this way because it's what he knows if that's the type of relationship his parents have... so to him it would seem perfectly normal. Jealousy and controlling behavior usually stems from being insecure, and typically when a person feels insecure they get this overwhelming need to control things/people/relationships the feeling of being in control makes them feel more secure and like they have some sort of power. Unless you two and discuss and work this out he is always going to try to control you and usually the possessiveness gets increasingly worse until the other person can't take it any longer and ends the relationship. Does he have any close friends that he hangs out with or does he rely on you for all of his companionship/friendship?
My suggestion is to try to talk to him and get to the root of why he is so insecure and if there is anything that you can do that would make him feel more secure with himself and in your relationship.

I heard this a long time ago and it's so true.... The harder you try to hold onto something/someone the more it wants/needs to get away from you....
Communicate with him.... and possibly consider counseling.

[D.D]

thank you all for ur replies
wiki u're right, whether these are possessive signs or not, i'm not okay with it.

when the relationship first began did he act this way OR does it seem like he's gotten more controlling over the course of your relationship.

he wasn't like that at the beginning, and when i asked him why is he now telling me that he gets bothered if talk to other guys or do certain stuff, he told me that at the beginning no one knew where this relationship was going so he had no right to change anything in my life, but now that things are serious, he wants some changes.

What is his parent's relationship like?
Is his Dad controlling? Do they constantly worry about how others perceive them?

his parents seem nice, i dont know if his dad is controlling, but they sure do worry about others. here in Lebanon almost everyone worries about what would other people think, my parents do too!
when we have a fight about something and i realize that the only reason he's fighting with me is because he's worrying about what would other think, i tell him that in that behavior he's preferring to please some strangers by hurting the girl he loves. then he starts saying that he's doing this for my own "good".

How does he get along with your friends? Does he try to get you to include him in regards to your friends, or does he try to get you to exclude your friends and focus entirely on him?

he gets along very well, he loves them and they love him, he never gets me excluded, he just wants to be included (unless its just a girl gathering). but if i don't include him, he will get very very sad, and i would feel so guilty leaving him like that.

He may be acting this way because it's what he knows if that's the type of relationship his parents have... so to him it would seem perfectly normal.

well after years of marriage, if his dad was controlling, how can i spot that? i mean if he told her not to dress like that, after 30 years she wouldn't be still trying to dress like that and him forbidding her right?
although his mom does seem like she likes to control her sons lives.. if she doesn't want them to go out, she would stay in her bed depressed, they would feel so guilty about it and end up doing what she wants. she's not a bad person at all but she still treats them like 9 year olds.
his dad goes to work, his mom is a housewife who cares a lot about her husband and sons, she's constantly worried about them (he gets that from his mom, he worries a lot about EVERYTHING) all she does all day is wait for his husband and sons to come home. mostly like my mother also.

Does he have any close friends that he hangs out with or does he rely on you for all of his companionship/friendship?

he relies on me, he has a busy life, we both study a lot, so its either we're in college, or home studying, and he spends a lot of time tutoring, so with his free time, he prefers to spend it with me.. and we're in the same college, so he spends time with me and my friends instead of hunting for his own friends. but he socialize well.


I confronted him with all that, i told him that he's being possessive and he needs to stop, it shocked him a lot and he got depressed and thought that i'm breaking up with him. i got weak and told him that i'm not and that i love him w i didn't mean to hurt him with what i said. and this is when i felt like now he's being the victim.
so i told him that i'm the one who's hurt here, its not about him, its about me, he should focus on how he's been treating me all this time, we talked for hours, i explained to him how much he hurts me when he tries to control me, how i lost my self confidence, how the relationship seems like it's killing me right now.
i told him everything i had to say.
i even gave him an example, of how a mom would treat her little child, telling him not to touch stuff, not to laugh here, not to do that in public, and etc, and that kids grow up thinking that their parents do not love them for being so strict, and all they wanna do is move out of their parents house.
i told him that this is how our relationship is going, i don't feel he loves me anymore and i just wanna escape.
he started apologizing and wondering why am i still with him if thats the way i feel.
he said that he'll work on this, and he promised me that he will not act like a father to me anymore.
he told me that this month will be a test, and if i don't see any change in him, i should leave him.

[JadedQueen]

I am glad that you talked to him. I know a lot of times people don't realize how they are treating someone else unless it's brought to their attention and they take time to consider the situation from the other person's perspective. He has to realize that you have a Dad and you don't need another one and that is the role that he is assuming is one of a parent. If he is willing to try to change the way that he treats you give him a chance and keep in mind that old habits die hard and it's difficult to stop doing something that you don't know that you are doing so if he reverts back to doing the things that you have talked to him about gently remind him so he can start to recognize when he's doing it and change.
From the way it sounds (by the answers to my questions) I don't think he's a controlling person (usually people that are controlling like to isolate their partner from any and everyone else (like family memebers and friends) so the person that they are controlling has no where to turn and they rely soley on the controller giving them more power).
He really needs to get his own set of friends that he can hang out with. Who did he hang out with before you two got together? Spending time together as a couple is great but you both need to have interests that are seperate from each other. I wish you good luck, I have a feeling that things are going to work out for you.

[D.D]

i feel so much better now that i told him about it all! i can really see some changes already, i hope it lasts =)
i'm sure he'll work hard on changing =)

before we got together he hung out with a couple of guys but he was never really close to them, he has issues trusting people, so he prefers keeping things superficial with others, i guess thats why he loses interest in finding friends. but now he got really close to my best friend and her boyfriend.

I wish you good luck, I have a feeling that things are going to work out for you.

thanks a lot i hope u're right

[D.D]

i feel so much better now that i told him about it all! i can really see some changes already, i hope it lasts =)
i'm sure he'll work hard on changing =)

before we got together he hung out with a couple of guys but he was never really close to them, he has issues trusting people, so he prefers keeping things superficial with others, i guess thats why he loses interest in finding friends. but now he got really close to my best friend and her boyfriend.

I wish you good luck, I have a feeling that things are going to work out for you.

thanks a lot i hope u're right