[Hopeless Dork]

Ahh... him not fully understanding what went wrong in their relationship... her taking off, her leaving the country with another man sort of seems to point to her having the upper hand in the relationship at the break-up... as in, maybe he wanted it to work, she didn't. She seems to have moved on emotionally from him even during their relationship, likely keeps him as a friend for the ego masturbation of knowing she has some guy out there that cares about her well-being, feelings etc... and is willing to keep talking to her despite having a gf.

I know way too many girls like this that thrive on stringing along (as friends) exes that they have no interest in, like a fall back plan. Him on the other hand, what is he gaining from any of it? The hope she'll realize the mistake she made? Some closure? Her to finally say why she left? Being her friend won't resolve that.

To me it sounds like he loves you, it sounds like he wants to move forward , but he needs to realize that keeping her as a friend is only going to compromise your relationship and/if any future relationships as no woman wants even the slightest hint of being second to some ghost from the past. And continuing to talk to her, despite your feelings about it... is placing her above you, even if its not what he means to do... so hopefull he can recognize that and let her go.

She sounds like she'd doing alright, she is not going to suffer from the loss of their friendship anymore than she seemed to lack any suffering from the loss of their relationship. He shouldn't feel bad about cutting ties, it would only help you both to move forward in the right direction.

[BabyGirl]

Everyone has said most of what I would also say.

One other thing though.

If they are truly Friends and care about each other as Friends. She would want him to be Happy and have someone like You in his Life. That should not Hurt Her in any way that he loves you and is Smiling , it should make her feel good.

He also should want her Happiness with someone other than Him.

Instead of asking or telling him to or making him Write an Email to her.
He should willingly, tell her he is in Love and that their Friendship can only be a Casual, "Hi Howya doing, every once in awhile" Wish her the best and let her know that You are his Focus in life now.

[Mes T]

Alrighty thought I would update.

When he got home I was honestly still so angry that he had a really tough time getting a word in to explain himself. So, he ended up writing me a letter and then reading it to me, which is a great idea that I myself have used.

Turns out his ex had "strung him along" for the last year of their relationship, being very cruel on the one hand and then pretending like nothing was wrong on the other. She invited him and all their mutual friends to hang out, etc, yet was emotionally distant and just "done" when they were alone.

My boyfriend felt miserable, said it was just an awful time. He didn't feel like he could TALK to anyone about it, as he didn't want to appear "weak" in front of his friends or even in front of his ex. He and his ex had no communication on the matter whatsoever, and he was just too embarrassed to go to any of his friends and tell them how much the situation was hurting him.

So after they broke up, he would always respond to her emails etc to try to appear indifferent, like the break-up didn't hurt him, like he was as "cool" about it as she was. He also didn't want ANY of their mutual friends to think otherwise, and they do have MANY mutual friends.

So, he thought that he could do this and hide it from me, admitted that he was thinking of himself more than he was of me, etc. He says he now realizes who is the important person in his life, realizes what does and does not matter. I explained everything I felt to him, how all of this has affected me, and he felt awful, remorseful...

The contact with his ex HAS stopped. He also has deleted all pictures he had, and I DO believe that he just didn't realize they were there. He even deleted other random pictures that he wanted to keep, just to MAKE SURE that everything was gone. I found a pic yesterday that I thought looked like his ex (it wasn't her, by the way, it was just an old friend) and he deleted that one too, just because it reminded me of her.

He is a photographer and has lots of boxes of polaroids and other hard copy pics. He went through them all, one by one, and threw away everything related to her. He showed me this and had me watch as he threw them in the trash can outside.

He has been trying VERY hard. I don't doubt that every now and then I'll still feel irritated, remembering all the secrecy and lies of the past. But I truly believe that he never meant to hurt me, he never had inappropriate feelings for his ex. He simply was still caught up in a terrible woman's games and felt like he had no way out.

I believe him.

THOUGHTS??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Nothing wrong with having pride, that's what it sounds like to me, if it was plural that being just her, I'd say get on with it man, wrong, but if they had mutual friends? Then it sounds like a whole lot of pride, probably also closure he needed that maybe he now has because you made him realise what the loss of you would do to him

[Mes T]

Exactly, pride pride pride, and after I made a "stand" and kicked him out, in his desperation to mend things with me he opened up about everything.

He's a wonderful man and boyfriend... But he does have a lot of "making up" to do for me. I, for one, am going to sit back and enjoy myself. Ha!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So what ya gona do to ensure communication continues on everything here ever after, or forever hold your peace?

Cheeky too aren't you

[Mes T]

Hehe.

I don't know... I feel like in some ways "THE ICE" is broken, so I think communication from now on will be easier in many respects.

Hmm any general suggestions?

I know I can work on myself, for sure. When I get upset about something, I can make it very difficult for him to speak up.

[pretzel]

Mes, my dear, can't really add more than my own opinion. Lying to you about her and the continued texting would easily put you on the defensive. I don't disagree with anyone on that matter. That's not even going to be addressed. But, I am a bit confused, especially with some of the issues. Maybe I've not totally comprehended his relationship with her but I got the impression that it was pretty much a roller coaster and he was in the front car. I got the impression that his feelings toward her weren't the same as hers for him. Maybe from his perspective he's looking for a reason not to feel like those 5 years weren't a total waste of time. I think he knows what he wants, which is you btw. I think you know what you want also, which is him btw.

If I could offer one suggestion, find a nice romantic little place, look him straight in the eyes, ask him quietly "Do you love me? Am I the one you want?" Your gut and your heart will tell you more than you'll ever need to know from that point on. After that, his ex will be just that, his ex.

[ren_07]

Haha now that I've skimmed a bit of what you're going thru, I can see where you're coming from on my threads!

Here's what I've observed: He didn't lie because he was trying to be sneaky behind your back and cheat. In fact, even if he wasn't talking ABOUT you in his messages, he was sharing pics of things you and him share together, ie the pets. He lied because he disagreed with your mentality of him not talking to her bc he saw it was harmless from his end since he doesn't care about her, and kept doing it in private so you wouldn't yell.

However, what he's not realizing is that if this chick enjoys stringing along men, she's probably getting some enjoyment out of this whole scenario of him staying in constant contact with her. Yes, men and women can probably be friends (especially if she's in a committed relationship herself). But I have no doubt she likes this attention with him being her ex and all.

I broke up with a really decent guy years ago. Just wasn't feeling it anymore after 2 years of dating. When he's in a relationship with someone he really cares about, he doesn't keep in good contact with me, not bc his gfs are telling him or forcing him to stop talking to me, but he knows it makes them uncomfortable and knows it's not exactly fair/right to keep up my relationship with him. He's genuinely a good guy. And bc I have no intentions of ruining his relationships, I handle it well and realize this is just how it has to be. Your man could have just gradually back off contacting her or completely cold turkey and she probably would have taken the hint if she's smart/has good intentions. Her responding in a huffy manner implies immaturity.

If your man is taking steps like that now towards breaking it off, I would trust him. I think HIS intentions have been pure all along, what makes you uneasy is probably more or less HER intentions and whether or not she can still manipulate him into wanting her. But he's showing you he's not allowing that to happen.

As for those naked pics, I would let it go if only bc he's now removing all of them without a fight AND I know plenty of guys who don't realize they have a stash somewhere after a break-up. They don't go through the whole "ridding of the ex items" after a split the way us girls do. Men aren't organized in general and I'm willing to bet he didn't want to go thru every little pic of them/her while he was hurting and just forgot about it after not wanting to deal with it for so long.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm soooooooooo late on this one. Mes, I think you're just fantastic inside and out, and because I've been around long enough to see you through some of this, it makes it hard for me to be unbiased. I feel like red flags are red flags....and especially when they keep popping up to remind you. I do believe he's a good person, but I don't believe he's over her. And I believe you deserve someone that is all about you. Also, the fact that some of these things he's saying to you, have been said to me...makes me also a little unbiased. I mean, it's almost a carbon copy: the discovery of contact, the promises to end it, the self guilt you felt for making him end it, the pictures later found on his pc.... I mean it's like my ex all over again. I know the situations are different, but it just makes me worry for you because I know what it feels like you to deep down in you, feel like the person you love is secretely longing for someone else to some extent. This girl shouldn't even be a factor in your relationship. I've also been on the other side of the fence....for two of my exes, I am that girl they continue to contact even though they both have visibly moved on. One in a relationship, one married. But yet they still contact in hopes to hang on to some extent. Fortunately for their partners I'd never reciprocate.

He knows he has someone totally awesome. He doesn't want to lose you. But is he going to truly let go of his past?

It's easy to rationalize things in the present...to make our hearts feel better at the moment. You will know, in your gut, what you truly believe and what you truly feel here. Listen to it and see where it takes you. I hope he's legit.