[ContraryMary]

Hello. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, so bear with me.
My name is Mary, I'm sixteen, I'm bisexual.
I'm awfully struggling with this because it seems that I have to convince people. It didn't cross my mind that people wouldn't believe it existed. I've run across too many people who say I'm just going through a phase, that I'd settle upon homosexuality or heterosexuality sooner or later. I was so sure before I started talking to people. Everything pointed to yes. But all these people have gotten me to doubting myself, and pushing myself to one side one day and the other the next.

I guess one thing that's kind of hard is that I have nothing to compare it to. I can't really say to myself, “Well, I don't feel this way about guys, and I really do feel this way about girls, so I must be a lesbian!” since the feelings are the same. I've thrown around the idea of asexual, but it just doesn't fit.

I suppose that was my introduction to tell you what's been going on in my head. Here's an issue, I'm sure more will come up as the conversation (if anyone responds) goes on.

I am terrified to come out. I really enjoy hugging my friends and being close. I'm scared that will all just stop. That they'd think I'm coming on to them. Being close to people is incredibly important to me. It gives me great comfort, especially in these hard times (house fire, divorce, brother going to college, all in 6 month period yaaaay.). I don't want to lose that. Heck, I know that I've done that to girls I've met that like girls. I didn't want to give them the wrong idea.

Not to mention there's this new fad going on with girls, I guess? They claim to be bisexual to impress guys. It's another layer of 'bisexuality doesn't exist' that makes it harder for people like me. I've seen people complaining about these girls, and that it has caused them to doubt anyone who claims to be bisexual. I've seen these girls in action myself. It doesn't help with my age giving just another excuse to the 'it's a phase'. Horrible triple whammy: female, 16, bisexual.

I always look over questions I post to advice columns as if I was the one answering. The obvious answer I see here is, “well, just don't come out. Wait until you're ready!”
I feel as if I'm hiding myself from my friends, and I would also really like to date girls. I can't exactly do that if I'm in the closet.
I feel like I'm so close, but that I just have to fix this somehow. What do I do?
Thank you for bearing.

[Ashlee T.]

You're right, many people don't understand bisexuality. And so much of the time, people who say they are bisexual end up later coming out as gay and perhaps the bisexuality was a "transition" period before they were fully ready to admit their homosexuality. People that are straight or gay can't always comprehend the ability to be attracted sexually to both sexes. But women are very sexually fluid creatures.

My best friend since third grade, someone I slept with in the same bed, took showers with as kids, lived with throughout college.......... came out to me as being bisexual when we were around 24. It was something she had known since we were kids and kept from me all that time. She leans more toward being a lesbian than being bisexual. I cried when she told me...for hours. Part of me cried because I thought selfishly "I wanted us to get married, and have kids, and share that experience together as best friends", but the other part of me cried because the thought that she hid herself from me for all those years in fear of losing me, absolutely broke my heart. Her coming out to me never even made a dent in our bond together, matter of fact, it brought us much closer.

I would never encourage someone to NOT be themselves. But I will say that depending on where you live right now, making it public could cause you more grief than what it's worth. That has to be something you decide. For my friend, we grew up in a small rural conservative town and I have no doubt that airing her sexuality would have caused her alot of issues. She waited until she moved out of state into a more liberal area to actually come out (and still hasn't fully come out to everyone). Never be ashamed of who you are. Friends that dont' accept you, aren't friends. People in your life will come and go......the ones worth it will stick around, they are the only ones that matter. Weigh your decision. If telling your friends and being open and honest about your sexuality is what YOU need, then suck it up, accept that there may be some consequences, and do it proud sister.

[ContraryMary]

Your story is inspiring. I'd be lying if I said I read it dry cheeked.
Okay, I suppose I'm not stable enough to respond to this as coherently as I intended.
You are a wonderful friend and I'm so glad that she has someone like you in her life.
I will admit that I'm not jumping to shout it from the rooftops, but you do give me a bit of hope that I may find a friend like you someday.
I know that one post on the internet isn't going to magically cure me of my own personal insecurities or of the many layers of doubt, fear, and loneliness I have.
But I suppose things will get better. Probably.
So thank you.

[rcoreyus]

I think the acceptance of bisexuality depends a lot on where you live and what social groups you interact with. As far as Im' concerned, any sexual orientation you have is fine. I actually think people who are bisexual are in some ways lucky - there are more people out there that they find attractive.

I think that while being bisexual may be a "phase" for some people, for others they stay that way their entire lives. Some women are attracted to both men and women, but in completely different ways. In general I've thought that "straight, bi, gay", are way to few words to describe the very wide range of human sexuality. I see no point in trying to attach labels.

I think that if you are romantically interested in someone of either gender, it is nice to let them know that your interest goes beyond "just friends". This can avoid unpleasantness in the future. I also understand though that in some situations this isn't practical.

[MinnieGem]

i considered it a phase i was going thru, i was curious as to what it may actually feel like being with another woman, i tried it yes and enjoyed it for a little while but really missed being with a male, as in the aspect of sexually it was great but physically she turned out to be a as I could not handle her ing 24/7 lol, give it time it may just be a phase and you could be curious just like i was.

[Ashlee T.]

I will admit that I'm not jumping to shout it from the rooftops, but you do give me a bit of hope that I may find a friend like you someday.

No need to shout it from the rooftops. You are who are you, you have nothing to prove to anyone, embrace it and when you're ready for people to know, then they'll know.

Be inspired my friend. You live in a very progressive accepting country. Even if now you live in an area that is not quite as accepting, you are SO close to being an adult and free to be out on your own, you can move ANYWHERE. My friend lives in CA, and it's so awesome because you can seriously just be whomever you are there with no hesitation. I attended Gay Pride with her this year and it was phenomenal. Look at it this way, pretty much any relationship you have at this point (I know this stinks to hear, but I'm being brutally honest) is not going to last past high school anyway. The real fun stuff will start when you venture out on your own and can REALLY have relationships and truly embrace who you are.

My girl friend is someone I consider my sister, my soul mate (not in a romantic soulmate sort of way ) and my best friend. She feels comfortable to check out girls in front of me and even make "off color" comments. lol. I may respond "Yeah she's really pretty" or "Oh yeah she's blond...just your type!". We go to gay clubs sometimes. I treat it no differently than I would if it were men she was talking about.

There ARE people out there in this world (and you will find them) that will be your friend and love you regardless of who you are sexually attracted to. Never, NEVER let your sexuality hold you back from anything.