I've reached retirement age and am travelling Europe all 2011. My mind has been going through a sorting process too, and I've often looked at this site and noticed the good advice given. Perhaps my comments/reflection may help others, I don't know.
My mind takes me back to a life friendship which lasted from my earliest memory. I have given this a lot of thought over the decades because the person in question was 35 years older than I and one of my father's best friends. No yuk factor please, he was a man of impeccable probity.
From age 15 this man became somebody very special in my life. (He died a few years ago. I, of all people, actually discovered his body at his home!) He was much closer to me than my own father. We talked a lot and I could say anything to him, or tell him anything and never be judged. He was an intelligent professional man, married but without children as his wife could not bear children. This is partly the reason for his fondness for myself and my sisters, and my parents' friends and some of their children. Over the years our relationship bond grew stronger. He would meet all my boyfriends, and comment etc. Much like a father does. But I felt more than than for him - I found I wanted to be with him lots. We went sailing on his yacht when my father was invited and the two of us talked lots. As I grew into my 20's the bond became stronger (for me), despite boyfriends, engagement and eventual marriage and children. I moved away but always wrote to him. Meanwhile, his wife wasn't fond of me at all!!! I cannot explain the bond between us and now I'm trying to work it out at my age. We had similar interests - music, books, life in general. When I was in my late 30's his wife died and we became very close. He invited me to lunch, there were flowers on the table and lovely food. I accompanied him to classical music concerts and we talked lots and lots. He'd often comment on my hair, clothes, how I looked etc., and put my arm in mine whenever we went to anything formal, I was his infrequent partner for such things in those years. My family never minded as he had been in my life for decades and was a friend. I felt as though he was lonely and, in a way, I became a surrogate "wife" in that respect - though, I stress, our relationship never teetered over to anything physical. I'm not sure that I was happy with that, to tell truth!! I was, I'm very sure, in love with him and had been for such a long, long time. But I never really knew how he felt about me, suffice to say he often hugged me and said, "you look gorgeous" or whatever. Like a father?
I still miss him very, very much and would say that he was a love of my life - along with a couple of others. Just what was the real extent or nature of our relationship I'm never sure, but I remember being tremendously moved when, after his wife died, he phoned me and said, "when I die I want you there beside me on my death-bed". Friends have said, "what a dreadful responsibility"! I never saw it that way. In his last few years we grew apart, sadly, but whenever he walked into a room there was always some tension and electricity between us. I don't think a person can fool themselves about that!! A wonderful, wonderful man!
If you have any comments about what I've experienced I'd be glad of them.
My mind takes me back to a life friendship which lasted from my earliest memory. I have given this a lot of thought over the decades because the person in question was 35 years older than I and one of my father's best friends. No yuk factor please, he was a man of impeccable probity.
From age 15 this man became somebody very special in my life. (He died a few years ago. I, of all people, actually discovered his body at his home!) He was much closer to me than my own father. We talked a lot and I could say anything to him, or tell him anything and never be judged. He was an intelligent professional man, married but without children as his wife could not bear children. This is partly the reason for his fondness for myself and my sisters, and my parents' friends and some of their children. Over the years our relationship bond grew stronger. He would meet all my boyfriends, and comment etc. Much like a father does. But I felt more than than for him - I found I wanted to be with him lots. We went sailing on his yacht when my father was invited and the two of us talked lots. As I grew into my 20's the bond became stronger (for me), despite boyfriends, engagement and eventual marriage and children. I moved away but always wrote to him. Meanwhile, his wife wasn't fond of me at all!!! I cannot explain the bond between us and now I'm trying to work it out at my age. We had similar interests - music, books, life in general. When I was in my late 30's his wife died and we became very close. He invited me to lunch, there were flowers on the table and lovely food. I accompanied him to classical music concerts and we talked lots and lots. He'd often comment on my hair, clothes, how I looked etc., and put my arm in mine whenever we went to anything formal, I was his infrequent partner for such things in those years. My family never minded as he had been in my life for decades and was a friend. I felt as though he was lonely and, in a way, I became a surrogate "wife" in that respect - though, I stress, our relationship never teetered over to anything physical. I'm not sure that I was happy with that, to tell truth!! I was, I'm very sure, in love with him and had been for such a long, long time. But I never really knew how he felt about me, suffice to say he often hugged me and said, "you look gorgeous" or whatever. Like a father?
I still miss him very, very much and would say that he was a love of my life - along with a couple of others. Just what was the real extent or nature of our relationship I'm never sure, but I remember being tremendously moved when, after his wife died, he phoned me and said, "when I die I want you there beside me on my death-bed". Friends have said, "what a dreadful responsibility"! I never saw it that way. In his last few years we grew apart, sadly, but whenever he walked into a room there was always some tension and electricity between us. I don't think a person can fool themselves about that!! A wonderful, wonderful man!
If you have any comments about what I've experienced I'd be glad of them.
Don't let yourself be torn inside over what you know you felt. Embrace it, it was real. It truly sounds like you two had an amazing bond. And maybe that bond wasn't a romantic one for him (or perhaps it was but he loved you enough to know that wasn't best for you given the age difference?), but I am a firm believer that soul mates come into our lives in all forms. A soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be someone you have a romantic love with. It can be someone who you are eternally connected with despite all the odds. 
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