[Magnetism]

Not sure if this belongs here, but I've been struggling with this for awhile.

My roommate (also a friend) told me a few weeks ago, "Do you keep your weight on to your mom off? You have gained a lot of weight."

I don't know about you, but that stung me pretty hard. I told my roommate that I struggle with Body Dysmorphic Disorder and a mom that's hyper-obsessed with me being as thin as possible. Do you think it's appropriate for friends to comment on your weight? Knowing my history, it's odd as to why she would comment on my weight. I figured she would know that it's a sensitive topic for me, especially when I told her how my mom's criticism led me to develop Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Even if I'm 100 lbs (I'm 5'5), my mom would still tell me I'm fat.

Yes, I did gain 10 lbs when I moved in with my roommate. I didn't realize I was eating unhealthy with her. When I lived alone, I was more careful. I'm lucky that my clothes still fit despite the weight gain, and that my boyfriend says I look pretty much the same. He thinks the weight gain might be muscle, as I'm a belly dancer and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. Regardless, I don't think it's anybody's business to comment on someone's weight gain. If anything, it makes the person feel more self-conscious and stressed. When you're stressed, the weight becomes more stubborn to lose. I've been working my off to lose the 10 lbs I gained, and I can't believe my roommate would think I'm trying to my mom off by keeping the weight on.

My roommate said sorry after seeing me burst into tears, but she said "You told me you don't know what you look like. That's why I was letting you know."
Uh, telling someone with body dysmorphic disorder or an eating disorder that they've gained a lot of weight doesn't help their self-image or perception at all. The fact that she said "You gained a LOT of weight" makes me feel like she's accusing me of gaining 30 lbs or so.

What do you all think? How do I get over what she said? Is something wrong with me that I don't find it socially acceptable to comment on someone's weight? The way how I see it is that your weight is your business. You can take care of it, but nobody else has the right to intrude on it.

[Little]

Um, that's a whole lot of ridiculous. Beating her ferociously sounds like a good idea. Nor seriously ... but maybe with a pillow.

And asking if you're doing it to tick your mom off? Who would actually do that? Is your roommate that insensitive about everything? Does she have an overinflated idea of how close you are, and therefore how brash she can be?

My college roommate is quite large because of multiple joint injuries that keep her from many vigorous activities ... I'm insensitive and brash generally, and very close to her, but I'd still never say "Oh, hay, old roommate, are you just keeping the weight on to ___ or ___?" Rude!

EDIT: Welcome back, btw

[Crystalblue]

I agree with you completely! Even without a disorder, weight is a sensitive subject for most. It's one thing to compliment someone on weight loss, another thing entirely to use a hurtful comment like that. I've had a lot of friends come and go in and out of my life, and one thing I've realized is that if they make you feel bad about who you are in any way, they're not a friend. Everyone will have an off day when they're not at their best and say the wrong thing, but if it's a continuous habit to beat you down, that's not a good relationship to keep.

It sounds like you keep an active lifestyle that would give you good cardio and challenge your body. That's great! Focus less on rude comments and more on how you're feeling. Motivation can be the hardest part of living a healthy life. It's even harder to keep it up when you're discouraged by people close to you. A healthy life is the true goal, not being twig skinny. Try surrounding yourself with more positive people. Your motivation to do better and better will sky rocket!

Just being around people with positive energy will make a huge difference on how you feel about yourself. This life is for you! Don't waste it on people that drag you down. Share it with the ones who offer love and support.

[Ashlee T.]

Umm...

It was INCREDIBLY insensitive, rude, uncalled, malicious and she probably felt a bit satisfied over your tearful reaction. Some people like to play with others, because they have low self esteem themselves and are selfish. So yeah, she hits you where she knows it hurts you the worst. You need to tell this girl, with a straight face, no tears, no yelling, just firm and serious: " I do NOT need you to critique me. What you said to me the other day was insensitive, rude, and down right mean. I would never have considered saying to you some of the things I think about the way you look sometimes. Some things are just better left unsaid."

What a brat. :\

[Magnetism]

Thanks, ladies. I sometimes doubt myself and wonder if I'm over-reacting. At least that's what my mom would tell me when growing up! Yes, I agree that most women wouldn't want to hear those kind of comments-disorder or not. Not even the most confident woman.

Since I work with her, I need to be civil and can't let my anger spill over. I've made the decision to just keep a distance. When I moved in with her, I was too trusting and opened up. The saying is true "When people show you who they really are, believe them!" I agree with Crystalblue to surround yourself with positive people, and not with friends that critique you in that way. They may think they're trying to help you, but if you feel bad in the end...what's the point?

She also has made comments about herself that reflect her own insecurity (comparing herself to others, talking about losing weight), so her comment may have stemmed from her own stuff.

[Hopeless Dork]

Ack, there is nothing wrong with you being offended by that. Its VERY unnacceptable for a "friend" to make a RUDE comment about your weight. The only time it is ever appropriate for a friend to comment about your weight is with GREAT sensitivity when they are concerned for your health. She sounded harsh, accusatory, assuming, just overall jerky about it. Almost everyone would be offended at being judged and accused of doing ANYTHING just to impress or anger someone else and almost everyone would offended at a rude cold statement made negatively about their appearance.

My guess is she lacks severe social skills, and/or is somewhat jealous of some aspect of your life and or was feeling down about her own and tried to take you down a few pegs to make herself feel better.

[Magnetism]

It's funny I was talking about boundaries with parents in another post, because I told my mom what my roommate said and why I moved out. My mom said "Maybe she was trying to help." . I knew my mom wasn't going to be supportive or understanding, but for some reason I still told her.


In my heart, I do think my roommate might have been jealous or disguising maliciousness as "trying to help." I do recall her once saying how she feels she's socially awkward. Anyways, I'm no longer living with her and it's over.

[Ashlee T.]

So you're no longer living with the girl you were referring to in your original post?

Yeah, I think it's clear your moms not going to give you the kind of loving reassurance you need. But don't worry, you can get that from us here.

What is important is you being happy with you. If you're not, deal with that in a healthy way through good eating and exercise. And you can turn to us here for support on that as well.

[Little]

I just wanna echo what BD said - we're here to give you support! I was glad to see your name on new posts. I'm always happy to see a long-time member come back

[Elanor-Jane]

sometimes people need to say hurtful things to make themselves feel better. some of my best friends are big girls, im talking 80-90 kilos and theyre beautiful. one had to lose a bit due to health but shes always been very stunning. as long as your healthy who cares???