[Calicorado83]

This is more of a "venting" thread.

My boyfriend has brought it to my attention and argued with me before over the fact that I have been distant, unfeeling, and unloving. And there have been those times when I am distant. There are times when I do feel like I don't have a lot to give and I need my space. You know, those nights in bed when you just roll over away from your partner and you just want to skip the cuddling and go to sleep. It's not cause you don't care about him or you don't love him, it's just cause you feel like you need a little space. And how often do you get space when you live with each other and see each other everyday and sleep in the same bed every night? Not much. So I can't argue with him on the fact that I have been distant, but I can give him reasons as to why I feel distant. There is still room for me to be on defense here. I feel a certain way and I wish he would understand that. Why does he have to try and argue?

Tonight, it was his turn to be distant. I came home and he barely touched me. We sat together on the couch and watched tv, and I tried to snuggle to him. He has his arm wrapped around me, but I was the one giving him affection (caressing his hand, gently squeezing and touching his leg). When he left for work, I went for the kiss. He gave me one back, but I could feel that it wasn't anything special, almost like he felt obligated to kiss me back. So, I tried to give him a hug, and he didn't wrap his arms around me. I had to ask him for a hug. I didn't do anything to get on his bad side the last couple of days, so why is he being so distant?

I didn't bring it up. I let him leave for work, but my feelings were hurt. I thought about how I wanted to say something, but if he wasn't feeling up to even giving me a simple hug, why would he want to go into a big long conversation about it. I knew it could possibly turn into an argument, I knew now wasn't a good time to say anything. I also thought about it, how when I am distant with him, this must be how he feels. So I opted not to say anything, maybe he had a bad day and hopefully it will pass...

He brought it up through a text message, saying he knows I felt frustrated when he didn't hug me all tight. I responded, telling him that it didn't frustrate me as much as it hurt my feelings, but told him he didn't have to explain himself. He says it was because he didn't feel good, and I said I wasn't mad, that I have felt distant too at times before, and that I was going to let it go...it just sucked for me tonight because I am sitting at the house by myself...

I don't know what my point is really, just kind of bringing up the topic of reverse situations and observing the different way my boyfriend and I handle things. When it's me being distant, he makes it worse by arguing with me about it. When it's him being distant, I try to understand that maybe he needs some space and that if I give it time it will pass...

He ****es me off so bad when he acts like I am the worst girlfriend ever. Sometimes I wish he could see the little things I do for him, like avoiding arguments and giving him space, not nagging at him about certain things...I know I have my downsides, I am not perfect and I try to pay attention to my own faults, but there are things I do that deserve some type of recognition. I have been practicing on "picking my battles" and the choice of words I use when communicating with him. It ****es me off when I put in effort to make things better and it seems like he doesn't. He just picks and nags at all the things I do wrong. I get so tired of feeling like all I am to him is just a screw up.

[Mes T]

Okay I can relate to this. Maybe I'll vent a little bit here too. My boyfriend is very similar to this in some respects. I'm quite a touchy-feely person and constantly ask for hugs and kisses (yeah I have to ASK for them but whatever), and he often makes me feel like some kind of needy child "Leave me alone, how much more of this, blah blah blah". Omg wow it's not AS BAD as I'm describing but you get the gist.

However on those rare days when Iiiiii don't want much in the way of physical touching, he's all, "What's wrong? Did I do something? What's the matter? WHAT WHAT WHAT?" and I'm just like... can I please sit by myself for a little while without you turning it into a big deal? Ughhh.

He's also quit smoking a few days ago and has been exceptionally moody since then. As I'm typing right now, he's sulking because earlier he exploded at me for nothing and is now blaming me for not being "understanding" and "supportive" of him quitting smoking. Sorry but all I did after he yelled at me tonight was sit quietly on the computer, not ignoring him, just... sitting. And suddenly it's all my fault thank you very much.

Sighhhhh.

Sorry this wasn't a helpful post.

[Teddcool4u]

The post speaks of a particular problem in every relationship that starts after certain duration. Though there are many ways to reignite the freshness in the union many people feel otherwise and bring a sad end to it. The main reason for this discomfort is the changes in the female body that are constant and quite rapid. Thanks for sharing.

[Calicorado83]

Sighhhhh.

Sorry this wasn't a helpful post.

No, thank you for posting! Sometimes its nice to read other people's experiences as they relate to mine...kinda gives you that feeling that you're not all alone out there. The fact that I started the thread with "This is more of a venting thread..." was to let readers know that I wasn't looking for any particular advice in this case...but your response did help, it made me feel better knowing someone out there read my thread and can relate. So again, thanks =)

[stressed]

When I was with my ex I was the one arguing over such small things, while he'd be the one who'd think about them without showing it. It was always like that, didn't start after a long time of us being together. It's part of being in a long-term relationship and how people respond and react differently. It's also about how well we know each other and how much we can accept and understand our differences. Some can go "oh it's this mood again, I better stay away until it passes and behave as if I didn't notice it", or "not this again, now I'm annoyed and I must let him know".

Not all days are great, there are bad ones too, but that comes with living together, be it with a partner, a friend or a relative

[Seniora]

SP, I'd like to think you can relax a bit with your partner now - time does that; we should all become more familiar and, therefore, less needy (for want of a better word). When children come along, frankly, there is just NO time for this kind of too-ing and fro-ing. You're both so busy! I've been with my husband for 38 years and, God knows, we've had tough times - nearly divorced in 2000!! But the pressure of family was partly responsible, and I didn't want to "throw in the towel", though I know I was probably most of the cause of it all. So, insecurities can wreck a relationship - you just have no choice but to relax about it. I've had a brief affair during my marriage and I'm fairly certain my husband had one with a friend of mine (we're even now!) and I've been in love outside my marriage at least 3 times. My husband has known all this, either by guess-work or we've discussed it directly. I cannot hide my feelings and become distressed at these times. He knows me well, and knows when I've fallen "head over heels" and that, eventually, I'll come to my senses. He always picks up the pieces, and it has happened only recently again - at my age!! I really don't know why I'm like this - would probably be the same whoever I married, as I well remember doubts in a relationship before meeting my husband with a man I desperately loved - desperately!! I still had doubts and other attractions!! Know yourself, your strengths and limitations and don't beat yourself up about these. Be there; be honest and do the best you can. That's my advice. I made friends with a male once who said, "(Seniora) falls in love all the time". He knew me so well after only a very short time. The penny dropped that day - others can see it before we do ourselves. Imagine how easy it is, then, for the OBJECT of our affections: cringe factor x 10!!!

[jns]

SP, people react different ways to similar situations. They react to unusual situations in a form that may not be the same as when they react to normal situations. Your bf may see you pulling away as indifference or you being upset about something. He probably wants to check if it is something that could damage the relationship, even if he knows it will provoke an argument, because it is out of character for you. It is to lower his own anxiety which would just continue to build if he didn't check. You give him space when he pulls back into his cave. That is good for him and it doesn't raise your anxiety levels excessively. Therapy could probably modify his behavior, but it doesn't sound as if it rises to that level.