[Frustrated29]

Good Afternoon Forum,

Let me start this off by saying I'm in the process of trying to find someone professional to speak with. It has been 4 weeks since my search started, and no one seems to take my insurance or call me back. But I'm still plugging away and trying to find a psychologist/psychiatrist.

I've been in a relationship for almost 8 1/2 years. To summarize and keep this short, I moved 1k miles to be with him, which at the time seemed like a good idea, and I was very comfortable with the decision. Once I moved to Minnesota, I changed. The whole environment was not friendly, it was difficult to make friends (which I never had a problem with in the past - seriously, never), difficult to find a decent job in my field. I settled for an admin position, and got pigeon holed there. After 6 years of living in Minnesota, B received a great promotion, and we were able to move back to the general vicinity of where I am from. He seems to be enjoying it, somewhat. He's always been a homebody, playing lots of video games and not really wanting to go out and do lots of things.

Recently, I've realized the toll that I believe my personality and attitude took while living in Minnesota. My self-esteem is almost completely gone. I've openly admitted to B, and my family (we are fairly close) that I feel like a shell of who I used to be. I can't sleep, I barely eat 1200 calories a day, and I'm very depressed, with my self image being one of my major issues. I'm 29 years old, soon to be 30 in December. While I'm seriously trying to work on myself, B seems completely disconnected. I know this whole ordeal has been horrid for him, and he has TIRED to help me, with most of the time not succeeding.

The past 2 months have been so bad. The absolute worst. I've threatened to leave him, and actually packed bags and tried to leave 3 times. I just can't take his apathy anymore. I feel like he just doesn't even want to try anymore. The only times we have gotten along in the past 2 months have been when I am pretending to be happy, or when I am trying so hard I exhaust myself. I don't know how to make our relationship work while working to fix my own issues, which are mostly in my head and my own.

I guess my question to the forum group is... how can I make B understand that my issues are my own, that they are not his fault and he cannot fix them for me. I've tried saying this to him in at least 5 different ways, but it always comes back to him trying to fix them instead of just being there for me.

Plus, the damage we have done to each other over the past 2-4 months seems almost irreparable. We have both said some very hurtful things in arguments, and it seems like we both feel the same exact way - like nothing we do is good enough for the other person, and no matter what, everything we do is wrong. We BOTH feel that way. So there is some serious disconnect going on, obviously. Can this relationship be saved? I do honestly believe we both want to be happy and together. We do love each other - we had been thinking about marriage and children in the coming decade. But that has taken a back seat to the current issues. I have asked him about possible couples counseling, but have not received a true answer.

I guess I'm just at my wits end and don't know where to turn.

Thanks for reading, and for letting me vent. Any advice is most appreciated.
Sincerely,
Frustated

[disconnected1]

I would say your first step is counseling for yourself. Also, if you are not sleeping you will be completely useless to yourself or anybody. You may want to try Ambien for the short term to get some sleep! Sleep is essential to your mental well being. Also, you seem very depressed. Who were you before that you want to get back to being? Make a list and write down how you can move toward being the person you want to be. You can learn a lesson from every experience you have in life. There had to have been some positive in 81/2 years! You are home now and no longer in that area in MN so focus on the positive. Your husband seems to want to help you which is more than I can say for mine. He got a promotion. These are positive things I can see and I don't even know you.
Work on yourself. No one can love you if you don't love yourself. You are enough. You can breathe. You can see. You can hear. You can walk. You can eat. You are alive. Go from this point and focus on the beauty that you have...

[kygirl]

Frustrated:

I have not had the issues to the extent you appear to be having them, but I'd definitely had my own value of myself and my issues weigh heavy on me and my relationships. I think the counseling is a good idea. I'm not sure what you think your issues all are, but perhaps before (or after) you can also read some books on self worth, etc? I sometimes find that it helps to just hear that other people have been where I've been and understand that it's like to not think you're the greatest.

Obviously, B loves you and is trying to help. I know that sometimes people try and we don't *want* them to or they *can't* provide the help we really need. I am sure he wants to make you better and it is probably hurting him to see you so upset with yourself/life. Right now, I'd just really call every therapist you can and find someone you can talk to. I went to therapy for a few months and it really transformed my life. I still could always use more (I think it is helpful to most anyone to have an impartial person to vent/talk to) but it got my on a great path and I was able to finally see that I was worth it and I did deserve happiness, etc.

It's easy to spiral and get in a place where you do not know what to do, but if you want to be with this man and you love him, now is not the time to run. This is the time you all have to work and keep each other grounded. Maybe keeping a journal would help you sort out your thoughts some so you can try to hone in on what exactly is causing the issues? Is it just the job? Was it feeling detached from people? Was it something before that which just was exacerbated by being away?

Only you know the answers to those questions, but you owe it to both yourself and to the relationship to try to figure it out. We all have things we have to work through...some of us more than others. The good thing is that you KNOW you need help. You just need to find someone who can help. You may check with your insurance and even see if they can suggest some people who would be covered (or sometimes you can search by category on their websites when you log into your account).

It won't happen overnight, but I do believe that just leaving isn't going to fix the issues. Hang in there, focus on not saying things you don't mean, and work on finding happiness (even in small ways) in every day. There IS good everywhere, but sometimes we just have to look for it.

PS..Sorry if this is a "bit" choppy. I do know how it feels to not know what happened to "you" and I was getting lots of thoughts in a cluster

[jns]

I would say to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist for your depression is the first thing. This is probably something that someone is going to have to help you on. After you are on the mend, then you two can go for counseling if it is necessary at that time.