[lisa71]

Hi everyone. I am in need of some advice as whether to leave my partner or not.

We have been together for 16 years, though I should say he was married when we first started seeing each other. I was 21 and he was 38. After a year he left his wife and children and we moved in together. I should say at this point his wife had multiple affairs herself and I was also not his first affair. Since the time we have lived together I have always had a good relationship with his children and I'm a nanny to his grandchildren.

He is not a bad person in respect of he will do anything for me. We never argue or disagree about anything. We have always had fun together and I've never felt the need until recently to end our relationship. We have a beautiful home and I am able to pursue my hobbies and interests without any resentment.

So why do I want to leave? We have NEVER had a good sex-life. In fact he has been my only sexual partner and to be honest I have not found him sexually attractive in years. Two years ago he told me he'd had an affair. He had to tell me because she had contacted him a year after it ended to tell him she had a STD. Both he and myself had to be tested and then treated for chlamydia. I don't believe he would have told me were not for her contacting him and she was also someone he'd had an affair with during his marriage. Since then we have not had sex. I have no desire to have sex with him.

So why didn't I leave him at the time? I believed there were too many good reasons to stay. So I just pushed it to the back of my mind and forgot about it. But then a few months ago I realised I was developing feelings for a man I have known for years. I did my best to ignore them but my feelings towards this person have persisted. I have not done anything about these feelings - I am not the same person I was years ago - but the attraction I feel is very real and almost suffocating. Though we may not have had sex I do believe I am commiting a kind of emotional adultery by thinking about this man, and to be totally frank I want to have a sex-life!

A few weeks ago I made the decision to leave my partner and moved out. He was devastated but though his children were upset and shocked, they were very supportive of my decision. However, when I saw him a few days later and the pain he was in, and thought about the fact that I had no home and little money, I panicked and moved back home. I also decided I owed it to him to try and work things out. I made it very clear to him the way I felt about the affair and our sex-life.

Over the last few weeks he has done everything possible to get me to stay, except talk about the major problems in our relationship. With every day that has passed I am feeling iller because I think I made a terrible mistake by going back. My heart races all the time, I feel sick, and have no appetite. It gets worse when he comes home from work or he has a day off. I have lost nearly a stone in weight. But every time he asks if I'm okay I can't bring myself to tell him I'm not or discuss our problems either. I also can't find the strength to leave, and I don't understand why not. My best friend says I need to make a decision because it's just as unfair to him as I. So, why can't I make it the second time around?

Should I leave or try to work things out?

[LanaBear]

Honestly, I would leave. The relationship just seems like a train wreck. He is a man who obviously doesn't know what it means to be faithful. You are still young, go find a good faithful relationship. Your friend is right, it is not fair to him, but it is definitely not fair to you either.

[disconnected1]

You were 21 when you met him and you are a different person now. You have no biological children together. I would say you should leave. You started the relationship off in the wrong way. Clearly he is an unfailthful man and how could he truly respect you when you also were part of his affair? Leave the relationship and work on yourself before jumping into another relationship.
It seems like you are just postponing the inevitable and a highly dysfunctional relationship you are in. Based on the the STD scare and cheating I would be outta there!

[Frustrated29]

To piggy-back off of the other posts, staying for a monetary means is not really a 100% valid reason to stay. In this economy, sure people break up but continue to live together. Is it mentally healthy to do so? Probably not. I would hope that those former couples would have a healthy enough respect for one another to make the best of that situation and remain friendly - but they should make their intentions clear (about not continuing their relationship).

While money problems and the housing question might add stress, your living situation with him is obviously causing you a serious amount of it anyway. I would try to figure out which would be better for your health and go with that option.

Renting a studio apartment in most areas is fairly cheap, and even though it might not be what you are used to or want for your home, it could be better for your mental and physical health. I wish you the best in your decision! Good luck!

[kygirl]

I'm probably beating a dead horse, here, but I'd leave. I mean, you're still young and you have a lot of life ahead of you. You're not even 40! You definitely deserve a chance to 1) be happy sexually and 2) be happy with someone who is not cheating on you. Obviously this has been a lifelong pattern for him and he has not learned his lesson. I think it's time that you move on.

It appears as though the two of you have reached a point where you are not seeing eye to eye adn the fact that you feel physically sick is a good indicator that the issues are extremely significant. If he wasn't willing to talk about the issues, then I think that leaves you with the only option to leave again (or I guess, the other option is spend the rest of your life miserable and you don't want that.)

[lisa71]

Thank you to everyone for your advice and comments - you've certainly given me a lot to think about.

I think the main reason I haven't left again is because I've never lived on my own and the thought terrifies me. I keep thinking about how I will manage financially. How i'll only be able to afford the most basic things. Also, I'm worried I'll end up jumping into another relationship just for the emotional security, when that is the last thing I should do. But I know none of these are reasons to stay in my current relationship. I need to find the strength to tell him how I feel and why our relationship is over.

[kygirl]

Lisa,

I know it's hard, and it's easy for us all to tell you that you should leave, but you sound like you know you need to leave and you need to do it for *you*. It's so hard to take that jump sometimes when you feel "comfortable" or "safe" where you are, but just remind yourself in the hard moments when you don't know if you can do it that you deserve MORE than that. You deserve happiness and love and committment and trust and all the things that make relationships worth it. You deserve that even though it seems hard now. *hugs*

[jns]

lisa, let me summarize what you said. He was with another woman, married in fact, and you started a relationship with him. Then he left her to be with you. Then you say he never has been sexually fulfilling. Further you don't find him sexually attractive and haven't for a long time. Then he had an affair of unknown duration more than 3 years ago that he told you about 2 years ago due to getting a STD that he passed to you. After that you cut him off. Then you had an emotional affair with another man and wanted to have a sex life back, just not with your partner. Then you left your partner, but later decided to go back to work on your relationship. Then you have been expecting him to discuss the major issues of your relationship.

Why did you get involved with a married man who had multiple affairs? Why did you expect your relationship with him to be different? Why did you stay if he wasn't sexually fulfilling? If you haven't been sexually attracted to him for a long time, don't you think he could pick up on it? Then per his normal modus operandi, he found an extramarital affair in which the woman may have found him sexually attractive. Again per normal operation he didn't tell you about until he had to. Wanting to have a loving relationship including sex, you ended up being somewhat like him by having an emotional affair.

If you decide to stay for all of the perks, you both should be in counseling as you both have a lot to work on. Otherwise, history will repeat. If you want to leave, do so.

[lisa71]

Thank you, kygirl - I've been talking to a counsellor over the last few days and reading a book on ending relationships, which is helping.

Patrick - you are so right! What did I expect would happen all those years ago? That he would be forever faithful? Something that has become very clear to me over the last couple of weeks is that I am just as responsible for the current state of our relationship as he is AND I have to be responsible for changing it.

The only reason I haven't left or made a decision yet is because of external factors beyond my control. First, his sister rang me to say she has cancer and I had to be the one to tell him. We're still waiting to hear how bad it is. Secondly, one of my stepchildren has a big birthday this week and only four members of their family (one is me) can make it. I don't want to be the one to ruin it completely! I know this probably sounds like excuses but believe me I know I need to sort this out.

Thank you again to everyone for helping me through this.

[lisa71]

I thought I'd update everyone on where I am. I'm still with my partner and finding it impossible to find the courage to leave. I still can't understand why I was able to do it the first time and not now, espeically as his daughter has told me not to stay if I'm unhappy. She said that even though she loves her dad, it is his fault not mine. Also he'd told her I liked someone else and she said she was okay about that if it was what I wanted. She said she will always be a part of my life no matter what my deicsion was.

So why am I finding it so difficult? Is it because he is being so nice about everything? He has't asked who this person I like is or even got angry about it! Another factor is the house and money, which must make seem like such a shallow person.

Why am I so paralysed with fear?