[Ashlee T.]

I was soooooo frustrated, because I was used to doing things my way, in my time. I wasn't used to having someone in my life, by my side, just being together. I would get so upset, and it would cause a lot of tension between us. I was trying to set some ground rules, and it seemed as though he just didn't care.

I think that's a big part of it. I'm just not ready yet in this relationship for more than that. And though he didn't think it would be a "big deal" to me, he made it very clear in the beginning that HE likes HIS time too, and needs time to do things on his own sometimes. So it truly goes both ways here. The big difference is that I have respected his wishes in those instances.

He gets "bored" alot. I'm never bored. We are so very different in that regard. I never feel lonely or bored. I either always have something to occupy myself with, or am SO thankful for some relaxation and peace and quiet that I relish in it. Last weekend, he knew I had a friend in from out of town that I only see once every couple years, so he knew I wasn't going to see him that day. So he was bored. He kept texting me, "I want to play a board game", "I want to go fishing", "I want something to eat", "I want to go for a walk", etc. I finally text him back "You're bored...get out and do something." He gets like that...he gets bored and then MUST have something to do. I think that's what happened yesterday. I think he slept late, went to the gym, showered and then felt bored and didn't want to have to wait...because that's how things usually play out. I can't relate, like I said, because I never feel bored.

He has only lived in this town for two years. He has not established any friends. I am hoping that he makes an effort to do so, because I believe that will help things alot. I've been in the situation before where I am someones only social life and it just gets to be an unhealthy situation for me. I think if he can make some friends that he can do things with, he'll be less "bored".

[KMonte85]

Well since you're over it and were just venting, it probably a moot point by now, but there is one glaring issue that I still see in what you write...

When I said "He knew", I didn't mean "his super mind reading man powers let him know"....I meant he knew because I TOLD HIM or because we discussed it. Haha. I wasn't expecting him to just know.

You are taking for granted that what you're saying is communicated and understood by him exactly how you see it and how you meant for it to be understood. I'm not convinced that you were as clear in your conversations as you may think. Not that you said anything in a wrong manner, mind you... Yes, we may all be speaking the same language, but that does not mean we interpret it the same way. You might think that because you told him something or had a discussion, that he knows, but he may have taken what you said a different way... which leads to innocent miscommunication, not necessarily blantant disregard and disrespect for each other. You weren't expecting him to "just know" but you were expecting him to take your words as you see them, and not allow for the fact that he may have understood your conversations differently, and went on the defensive right away finding him selfish and rude, instead of perhaps thinking that he quite innocently misunderstood you.

[Ashlee T.]

You are taking for granted that what you're saying is communicated and understood by him exactly how you see it and how you meant for it to be understood.

Yeah, that's true. Sometimes I feel like the only way I could be clearer is to wear a flashing sign. But that doesn't necessarily mean to HIM it's that clear. (I mean, we are talking about a guy here who was shocked to find out lettuce and potatoes are veggies. Hehehehe. ) I get flustered at times because I don't know HOW I could be clearer...so I'll basically beat a dead horse trying to make sure I'm understood, and then often still there is misunderstanding. He's definitely not a dumb guy. He just plays the "I didn't know" or "I don't know anything about that" card ALOT. Perhaps some of it is just simple not listening. Like when we first started dating he showed up to pick me up for a date over half an hour early. I wasn't ready, hair was in frizz mode, makeup not on, teeth not brushed AND I was sitting on the toilet when the doorbell rang (haha)...etc. I didn't get upset...but I said "wow you're early" and when he said "Yeah I was ready and got tired of waiting" and I said "I don't like when you show up this early without letting me know. It wouldn't matter if it was a few minutes, but any beyond that I'd like to at least know when you're coming." He agreed. That is an example of how I feel like I am SO incredibly clear, yet it comes up again and he says "I just didn't know it was a big deal", which ends up making me look like a rigid biotch when really I'm just asking him to respect my boundaries as he expects me to respect his. And when I feel like he doesn't, I get really flustered.

[BabyGirl]

Hmmm, if he is so bored maybe he can take some Canine Obedience classes with his dog ? Also the Shock collar kinda got me. Maybe he can get a Collar that tells him when she is out of range ?

He came over 1 1/2 hours early, knowing you would be cleaning ? Sure would have been nice of him to offer to help you instead of " Plop on the Couch " 1 1/2 hour before the game you invited him to come over and see, even though you don't like the Game or watch it.

A "Hey Honey anything I can help with ?" Would have been, in my mind, a Caring BF question . Even if you say no, it's the thought that counts.

What is done is done and over with, you can only move forward. So next time you plan something with him, you may have to be a bit more Detailed in time and meanings.

"I will be able to open/ answer the door for you at ( fill in Blank) ...
Before that Time, I will be Busy, Getting Ready, finishing up.. Whatever term you wish to use .
" If you wish to sit on the front porch and wait or maybe walk your dog down the street until I am ready, that is fine with me and would give her (dog) some exercise too."

Hopefully a little more Direct Communication, Dotting the "i's and crossing the t's" might be in order here, along with a verification that he understands exactly what you mean. As in " Ok Honey, 5 pm,not 4 or 4:30, but 5pm, as I just won't be ready or Just can't meet you earlier ".

If you like him, give him a little more time or chances and be sure that he is on the Same Thinking level and Understanding level that you are .

I also suspect that he is not " the Guy " in your mind ( yet ) and possibly why you are / were peeved about what happened, is because you may be realizing that he isn't " The One ".
If he was you would have probably, stopped cleaning as soon as he got there and just brushed it off as a misunderstanding of the Time frame..
Enjoyed the afternoon and evening together.. Dogs or No Dogs, Allergies or No Allergies.
You would have not tripped over any dogs, had any " Tiff ", But you might have Missed the game though.. Playing the Bedroom Game.

[kygirl]

I'm a little late in the game, but I understand your frustration. If I still lived alone and someone showed up over an hour and a half early (or what I viewed as an hour and a half early), I would too be frustrated...especially if I had "scheduled" that time to do something else that I needed to do. On the dog issue, I kind of view it as someone disciplining their kids for lack of a better analogy. Everyone has their thoughts on how to best deal with their pets, and sometimes if you try to tell them how to do it, it just annoys them more than anything. I do agree that he should be watching her and training her on the fence, but he's going to have to take the initiative on that one.

Ultimately, I think it is good that you pointed out your frustration to him. It takes time to figure out nuances. My boyfriend and I have been together a year now and I STILL find that it is a continuing learning process every day on what we are used to. It probably just gets worse as we age I think he cares about you and is open to working wit you, so hopefully this is just a little blip in the road But I do understand

[Ashlee T.]

Also the Shock collar kinda got me

Never fear. We are hardcore animal lovers. I have never had to use one with my girl, but I know many who use these for training. He and I both have put the collar on ourselves on our bare skin. He keeps his on about a level 2 (out of 10) which does little more than buzz to get her attention. That is all it takes. He used it to teach her not to wander off too far. He's much more lenient with allowing her off a leash than I am with my dog. Allie doesn't get off a leash unless she's in a fenced in area. Haha

He came over 1 1/2 hours early, knowing you would be cleaning ? Sure would have been nice of him to offer to help you instead of " Plop on the Couch " 1 1/2 hour before the game you invited him to come over and see, even though you don't like the Game or watch it.

YES!!!!! I felt like I was compromising by inviting him over for the super bowl, knowing I could care less about watching it. He didn't want to watch it by himself, and currently has no guy friends to do anything like that with. I felt like my compromise got trampled.

If he was you would have probably, stopped cleaning as soon as he got there and just brushed it off as a misunderstanding of the Time frame..

I like him. I enjoy and look forward to being with him. I'm more affectionate with him than I've been with anyone in a long time. We are getting to that point in which "some" comfort sets in and true colors start to show through. I knew, in this case, it was no misunderstanding of time. He's a finance guy, a stickler for details just as I am. There was no confusion. He even said "I just didn't think it would be a big deal". What there was, was a guy who got bored, and decided he didn't want to sit by himself any longer and gave no consideration to whether or not I'd be ready for him or not. Truly, if I had ANY reason to believe it was just a misunderstanding, I'd have been much less agitated by it.

[Ashlee T.]

KY - You're so right. It is a continual process. I often struggle with gaining "understanding" when I'm in a relationship with someone so different than myself. Lacking empathy I definitely don't, but I definitely DO struggle with understanding the logic of someone who is so opposite of me. And with him, I'm still trying to figure out how different we really are, and how much of it is just him disagreeing with me just to be disagreeing (which he does alot...but he is learning to chose his battles..haha), or playing "dumb".

I think next time he pulls that junk, I'm just not going to answer the door or my phone when he blows it up asking why I'm not answering the door! lol

[lizzardb63]

The first thing that came to my mind when I read this was that he felt comfortable around you, and was probably excited to watch the game with his girl. I do think it would be have been common courtesy to give you a call ahead of time to let you know he's leaving for your place and to also ask if you didn't mind him bringing his dog, but sometimes people assume other's will be okay with things. Your reaction is normal, I believe. I guess now you've both defined where the boundries are.

[Ashlee T.]

Liz - Yeah I think he understands now. THINK is the key word here. haha. His pup is always welcome when he comes, we HAVE established that so I def wasn't upset that he brought her. It was just the whole showing up that early just because he was bored, without a heads up, then just laying on the couch while I'm cleaning and tripping over 160 lbs of dog. He could've taken them on a walk, gone out and played with them in the yard...any number of things. And if he was SO bored at home sitting on the couch watching tv, it looks like he'd have been equally as bored sitting on my couch by himself watching tv and would've WANTED to get the dogs out from under me. Haha....I guess not huh!

[kygirl]

KY - You're so right. It is a continual process. I often struggle with gaining "understanding" when I'm in a relationship with someone so different than myself.

Girl, there are times on a weekly basis that my bf or I want to kill each other I'm sure (figuratively of course) I think no matter how much you care about someone, there are always going to be little things like that to rub you the wrong way. The important thing is voicing your thoughts and talking through things rather than just letting it "fester". That doesn't mean it magically goes away. I try to get over things pretty quickly but sometimes certain things just stick with me in some regard for a few days Hopefully the lesson is learned and in the future, he'll at least text or call to let you know that he is about to head over a bit earlier than anticipated