[Aeryn Sun]

Never.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Holy moly that was 2010… geez

Yes. It is the same man.

He makes me feel like I can’t have any feelings… not negative ones, anyway. It seems that when he’s angry he can yell and scream at me whenever he likes. He has even stood over me pointing his finger in my face and yes as I said, calling me names. Yet if I display anything even close to the same behaviour – standing up for myself instead of whimpering - he says I am being argumentative and have an attitude problem.

He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that. He asked the other day “what else am I supposed to do?” like there were no other options. If I disagree with his view on something I’ve done he shuts me out. I just… can’t stand up for myself at all without him taking it as me being a “typical witchy woman”.

A lot of things are helping me see the light lately, including this fantastic article – written by a man: *outbound link removed*

For the record, I'm the only 'WITCHY woman'

He's being Father, and you the Child.

He's also using control, in that and that is why you feel you DESERVE it.. Like I said, he's almost pushing 50 and so in realty if you walked, he would be lucky to find someone under that age that would go out with him.

Does he have children? Has he ever been married before? He has no comprehension of what constitutes a relationship only about control and his way.

I'd encourage you to read what ever that link was, and like minded authors and ask if anyone else knows of books you could read about the inner self, power within you, self examination, wish WC was here she'd know although I can ask her.

Holy yes, 2010 --it's now 2012, what are you going to do about it You are also almost 30 and deserve to see what real love is all about don't you think?

[Ashlee T.]

He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that

Nearly every abused woman or man or child in this world would tell you that they were made to believe they somehow deserved the abuse. Last night in my town, a man beat his 11 year old repeatedly with an industrial extension chord and then put him out of the house, alone in 27 degree temps. The little boy wandered around until the local donut shop opened, in which he waited for his school bus. When he told a friend at school what had happened, they reported it. When the little boy was asked why his dad did this, his response "because I got in trouble at school yesterday". Obviously very different than your situation, but the point is, every abuser works to enstill a sense of shame in their victim. I abused you because you did ___ ____ and ____. See, if you had not done ____ ____ and _____ I would not have abused you. Therefore, the abuse, to the victim, becomes ABOUT their own behavior and takes the "blame" off the abuser.

Emotional and verbal abuse is as damaging in many cases as physical abuse, because it's harder for people to identify. It's easier to chalk up the yelling and degrading to a "bad mood" or a "bad day at work", than it is a blow to the face. But it is STILL abuse.

So yes...of course he makes you feel you have deserved his mistreatment and abuse. Of course he has deflated your self esteem. Abusers do this on purpose because they KNOW if you have high self esteem and self worth, you will not tolerate their abuse. In order to get you to the point of tolerating it, they have to make you believe you've deserved it.

I'm quite sure I don't need to tell you that you do NOT deserve that. You already know. It's going to take some time to build the real you back up, to establish your self esteem and self worth, and truly make your way in this world. It's going to take time. But you will never do it while you are allowing yourself to be abused in this way. You will never be the best you that you can be as long as you're with him.

[Anaida]

I know that it's not easy to get out of that "Comfort Zone" you're in, with this guy. You may not yet even be able to think with perspective. Your inner self knows he is wrong, but your conscious self denies it and reinforces the blame onto yourself.
In my opinion, you must take out time to think about this, and convince yourself that HE is the wrong one. Only being convinced in your own mind can give you the strength to back up yourself.

It's going to be quite hard, but you have to push positive thoughts into yourself.

[SecretlySad]

Oh gosh sorry, I forgot you can’t post outside links here. My bad!

Does he have children? Has he ever been married before? He has no comprehension of what constitutes a relationship only about control and his way.

No to both. He was with his ex for 9 years but they never married. From what he has told me their fights were 100 times worse than ours. She clearly had the guts to stick up to him a lot more than I did.

Obviously very different than your situation, but the point is, every abuser works to enstill a sense of shame in their victim. I abused you because you did ___ ____ and ____. See, if you had not done ____ ____ and _____ I would not have abused you. Therefore, the abuse, to the victim, becomes ABOUT their own behavior and takes the "blame" off the abuser.

YES this is exactly what happens.

Your inner self knows he is wrong, but your conscious self denies it and reinforces the blame onto yourself.

Precisely. I just feel like a robot. Like I have to be happy all the time and any time I show signs of unhappiness he blames me.

You must be due for your period.
You must have had a sip of wine.
Remember when you used to have a sense of humour.

I can’t remember the last time he took blame or apologised to me for something. He can make jokes about things that upset me and it’s ok, but if I do something similar I’m the worst person in the world.