[SecretlySad]

Yesterday I was sick off work all day with a horrible headache. When my boyfriend came home he buzzed our security door buzzer over and over again. I poked my head out the window and jokingly said "geez, you sure know how to make a girl's headache feel better!"

When he got up the stairs he started mumbling and swearing and telling me I had an attitude. I told him I was just joking but he went on to scream at me, getting in my face. When he used to yell at me I would whimper like a child, but now I have finally started sticking up for myself and he says things like "you used to be nice".

He blamed my period (like he ALWAYS does - whether I have it or not he says things like well you must be due for it) and called me names.

He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that.

My father's aggression rendered me emotionally mute for years, and I can see the same pattern repeating itself with my boyfriend. What should I do?

[Darling]

I would get out of that relationship and find some one who won't take control of you.
He sounds like he can become angry, and maybe violent. if you used to take it and cry and now you stand up for yourself, he could take it to the next level.

[jns]

I agree with Darling, find a new boyfriend who has some empathy and isn't controlling.

[acerousme]

I also agree. My boyfriend NEVER gets in my face, or yells at me.

You dont deserve that BS...get out NOW before he becomes physically abusive as well

[Little]

Yelling is only appropriate when it's done from the next room ... for volume's sake. It's not okay to get into somebody's face and yell.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yesterday I was sick off work all day with a horrible headache. When my boyfriend came home he buzzed our security door buzzer over and over again. I poked my head out the window and jokingly said "geez, you sure know how to make a girl's headache feel better!"

When he got up the stairs he started mumbling and swearing and telling me I had an attitude. I told him I was just joking but he went on to scream at me, getting in my face. When he used to yell at me I would whimper like a child, but now I have finally started sticking up for myself and he says things like "you used to be nice".

He blamed my period (like he ALWAYS does - whether I have it or not he says things like well you must be due for it) and called me names.

He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that.

My father's aggression rendered me emotionally mute for years, and I can see the same pattern repeating itself with my boyfriend. What should I do?

Do you think women who had abusive fathers search for father figures?



I grew up in a home where my father ruled the roost. My mother was completely frightened/intimidated by him (especially because he used to get drunk and hit her often) and I was always taught to keep my mouth tightly shut and my feelings to myself so my father wouldn't fly off the handle.
As some of you know, years later I have ended up with a much older man (17 years) who I often feel like I am very inferior to. I am not sure if I have mentioned my dad in previous posts.
If he advises me of something and I question or doubt him he makes me feel terrible about it, kind of saying I know what I am talking about, don't doubt me, I have been there because I'm older. I know he is only trying to advise me but I need and want to learn things for myself.
Recently he told me he would be better to pick out a lounge for our house because he has had much more experience living out of home than I have. We were talking about something unrelated the other day and he said 'that's making me angry', just like my dad used to, and I got the same sweaty palmed sick in the stomach nervous feeling I used to when my dad would say those exact words.
Even though he really is a great guy to me and would never EVER physically harm me, I have intense doubts about our relationship and I have been trying for a long time now to figure out why.
Do you think my upbringing has something to do with it? Am I just looking for someone to care for me like my dad didn't?

I'm sorry, I am on another Computer so I couldn't like one of your previous threads from 2010.

Is this the same man you are going out with?

That ways alot on my reply to you...

For instance, let's assume it is, so you are 29 and he is now 46, pushing 50.. You standing up for yourself, and you are so young, may scare him that he will loose you, as he is getting old.

He seemed that he wanted to make all the decisions back then, probably still does, if that's rebelled against then he may have become totally insecure.. However, calling you names? No one deserves that and I think that you are finally coming to terms with your self worth, you have made some remarkeable smart remarks the past couple of years, which shows inside you have alot of guts... This is why I'd like to know if it's the same guy so I can add further.

Even if it's not, I think you are coming to terms with life and what you deserve.

And, "DON'T" deserve.

I think, this maybe a turning point for you...

[Guest]

We tend to look for, in relationships or partners, what is 'comfortable' from our past, perhaps as far back as children growing up.

So if you had a parent who was a screamer/yeller, you will be more comfortable with and 'seek out' the same or similar in a relationship partner. Men tend to be with/marry 'their mother' and women tend to be with/ marry 'their father'.

The only way to change it, is to do so consciously, as soon as you recognize the same or similar behavior appearing in your partner.

It's very difficult to change someone else. The only thing you can do is change yourself and/or your surroundings.

I'd get out of this relationship today.

[Ashlee T.]

I'd get out of this relationship today.

Absolutely.

No one yells me at. And especially not a man I'm in a relationship with who is supposed to be my partner. I would swiftly, without hesitation, send any man packing who got in my face and yelled at me. And you should do the same. What happened to you during your childhood, though it shaped you to some extent, is the past........do NOT let yourself stay in an unhealthy situation and tell yourself it's because it's the same thing that happened to you when you were a kid.

And if you're staying in a relationship like this just because you're scared to be "lonely"....that's all the more reason you NEED to get out of this relationship.

[KMonte85]

I could not agree with BD more! No person should ever, and I mean EVER, be agressive and demeaning to their partner.

The situation you described in your post highlights what a loose cannon of a boyfriend you have. I'm sure he's worked very hard at screaming at you, and making you feel like you deserve it. But, hun, don't be fooled. You NEVER deserve to be treated that way.

I'm sure your past is part of the reason that you have been tolerant of his tyrant-like behavior, but under no circumstances should you let a difficult childhood life impact your current and future happiness. Recognize the pattern, rise above, and remove yourself from this toxicity you find you're so familiar with.

[SecretlySad]

I'm sorry, I am on another Computer so I couldn't like one of your previous threads from 2010.

Is this the same man you are going out with?

That ways alot on my reply to you...

For instance, let's assume it is, so you are 29 and he is now 46, pushing 50.. You standing up for yourself, and you are so young, may scare him that he will loose you, as he is getting old.

He seemed that he wanted to make all the decisions back then, probably still does, if that's rebelled against then he may have become totally insecure.. However, calling you names? No one deserves that and I think that you are finally coming to terms with your self worth, you have made some remarkeable smart remarks the past couple of years, which shows inside you have alot of guts... This is why I'd like to know if it's the same guy so I can add further.

Even if it's not, I think you are coming to terms with life and what you deserve.

And, "DON'T" deserve.

I think, this maybe a turning point for you...

Holy moly that was 2010… geez

Yes. It is the same man.

He makes me feel like I can’t have any feelings… not negative ones, anyway. It seems that when he’s angry he can yell and scream at me whenever he likes. He has even stood over me pointing his finger in my face and yes as I said, calling me names. Yet if I display anything even close to the same behaviour – standing up for myself instead of whimpering - he says I am being argumentative and have an attitude problem.

He has truly made me feel like I DESERVE to be spoken to like that. He asked the other day “what else am I supposed to do?” like there were no other options. If I disagree with his view on something I’ve done he shuts me out. I just… can’t stand up for myself at all without him taking it as me being a “typical witchy woman”.

A lot of things are helping me see the light lately, including this fantastic article – written by a man: *outbound link removed*