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  • Strange Life
    Junior Member
    • May 2012
    • 6

    Ex Girlfriend Confusion

    I submitted a similar post yesterday but I think it was too long for people to read. I have rewritten it in Coles notes format.

    My ex girlfriend and I met at our previous job together. We both knew from first sight that we had to have one another. Life was really great. Keep in mind we do not work your typical job. We work in a remote location in a camp for 7 days on 7 days off 12 hour days. We never saw each other at work so we did get to spend some time apart. We were not together all the time. Fast forward to the new year and we find a new job. We are waiting to start so we quit our old job early. From the day we quit our old job to the time we broke up we were pushing 90 days in a row together. No time apart ever. This was her choice not mine as she always wanted to be by my side. I asked her if she needed some time apart. She declined. Naturally we start to get on each other’s nerves having the odd argument but quickly recovering and basking in one another’s love.
    Fast forward further. We start our new job and things start to get a little weird. Due to orientation, training, not knowing anyone else we spent a lot of time together at work. Our second week I noticed that things are starting to get weird between us. She was dodging me, wouldn’t talk to me as much. I start to get a little annoyed by this. Yet every night we fell asleep in each other’s arms saying I love.
    On the drive home from work I basically come out and ask if she wants to do this anymore. Never in a million years did I ever expect her to say no. She said all we fight more than we have fun, and she is tired of walking on egg shells when she is around me. She will be getting home and packing her bags and moving away to a city 7 hours away. There was no talking her out of it. I asked her why she didn’t come to me if she was so close to breaking point. We could have worked this out. I will admit, I did what you are not supposed to do. I begged for her not to leave. But that was the only time.

    Fast forward time. We are back to work and I look completely unaffected by this break up. I have started exercising, I look great, I feel great (Well except for my loss) but most importantly I have worked on my issues. I will not beg for her nor will I wait around for her but I do miss her. She wants space I will give her space. This is where I need help. So I believe because I look unaffected by this break up she is completely ****ed at me. She will not look at me, she will not talk to me, she will not stand next to me. The only time she will talk to me is when she tries to upset me or to get a reaction out of me.

    She is sad. I can tell. But she left me for a better life. This is what she wanted. Shouldn’t she be happy now? She got exactly what she needs. This miserable life she lives now is better than the one I offered her (prior to spending entirely too much time together). Yet she continues to look miserable. She has many tell tale signs that I pick up. She has never called me or messaged me because she misses me. That is what confuses me the most. Why does she not miss what is most comfortable to her? Can you please help tell me what is going on inside her head? Does she actually miss me and is just waiting for me to say something? Is she happy? Is she attracted to me? I want to tell her that I miss having her in my life but I worry I will just walk into a live firing range. Help me wrap my head around this PLEASE! Let me know if there are any more needed details.
  • Stillness
    WH Poster of the Month April 2017
    • Feb 2012
    • 3679

    Originally posted by Strange Life
    The only time she will talk to me is when she tries to upset me or to get a reaction out of me.

    I'm really hesitant to give specific advice because there's so much information to sort through with a break up that even you all probably can't process it all. I will just say this: I like your no-begging policy. About 13, 14 years ago I begged my girlfriend to be intimate with me. I ended up marrying her, but till this day I still wish I could go back in time and slap myself to keep my dignity. I begged once. I will never beg again. Whoever we find to go through life with us, we will still have to live with ourselves.

    The exception to my rule is this: If I'm the one who messed up, I will beg like Mars Blackmon in She's Gotta Have It. I've broken up with my wife (when she was my girlfriend, we've never been separated since marriage) and have come crawling back to her with tears, heartfelt pleas, and expressions of love, because I left her. I just won't ever beg someone again who is rejecting me - not in business, romance, or any relationship. I know I'll regret it. Even if the person did consent to give me what I want, the price is my dignity. And then, certain people will use that weakness to try to dominate you. I've seen it in my secular life too much. It's just not worth it.

    There was another girl before my wife that left me. There was nothing particularly wrong that I did. She just didn't want me. It broke my heart. I initiated an attempt to get back with her, she strung me along, then broke my heart all over again. The second time was even worse. I can't say I regret trying because it gave me closure when I had been holding out hope. Your quote about her trying to get a reaction reminded me of her. Bad news - that type.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment

    • DreamP346
      • Oct 2011
      • 2053

      You don't have to beg. Just be polite. Let her know you are respecting her need for space, but that doesn't mean you don't love her. You still want her back and are willing to work it out, but she needs to realize that you can't put your life on hold forever. She needs to meet you half way. This needs to be a very calm and professional talk. No raging emotions, yelling, begging or accusations. Give her some time. Then, if no change, walk away.
      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

      Comment

      • pumpkinpieisgood
        Member
        • Oct 2011
        • 35

        Originally posted by Strange Life
        She is sad. I can tell. But she left me for a better life. This is what she wanted. Shouldn’t she be happy now? She got exactly what she needs. This miserable life she lives now is better than the one I offered her (prior to spending entirely too much time together). Yet she continues to look miserable. She has many tell tale signs that I pick up. She has never called me or messaged me because she misses me. That is what confuses me the most. Why does she not miss what is most comfortable to her? Can you please help tell me what is going on inside her head? Does she actually miss me and is just waiting for me to say something? Is she happy? Is she attracted to me? I want to tell her that I miss having her in my life but I worry I will just walk into a live firing range. Help me wrap my head around this PLEASE! Let me know if there are any more needed details.
        I think what she wanted was to have a better life, but with you still in the picture. Sometimes, people break up not because they want to, but because they feel like they can't do anything to save the relationship. From what you've said, and I don't mean to be rude so I'm sorry if this doesn't come out right, it doesn't sound like either of you tried to make it last. You asked her if she wanted to break up, she said yes, and that was the end of it. If you would have communicated better and expressed all of your feelings, you still might be together.

        Maybe she looks miserable but doesn't say anything because she wants you to chase after her. If that's what it is, I don't think she's going about it the right way, but I can understand where she's coming from because a lot of girls want the kind of relationship you see in movies; girl and boy fall in love, they get into a fight and/or break up, they're both upset about it, the guy wants to fix things so he shows up at her house in the middle of the night with a boombox, and they live happily ever after...or something like that. But there's a difference between dramatic chick flicks and real life; that kind of thing doesn't happen in real life, and it shouldn't because if something is wrong, you need to talk it out instead of trying to make things better without even confronting each other.

        She could be mad at you because you aren't showing emotion like she is. You shouldn't have to put your life on pause for her. That's not even possible. No matter how badly you're hurting, you can't just quit your job, or stop eating, or any of that. Life goes on and you have to go along with it, otherwise your living and financial situations are going to change drastically. It would be insane for you to do that just to give her the reaction she wants.

        My advice is to go with what sp346 said because I think that is the right way to handle things. It never hurts to try and fix a damaged relationship; most of the time, whatever caused the fight in the first place can be resolved. If she doesn't appreciate the fact that you are making an effort to be in her life again, she doesn't deserve to be in yours. If you do end up getting back together, make sure you're both open and honest with each other, and most importantly, have alone time. It isn't healthy to be with anyone 24/7; you need to do your own thing once and a while. Both of you should find hobbies, or something to occupy your time when you aren't together.

        I wish you the best and I hope everything works out.

        Comment

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