[asiangrace]

one of my best friends is a guy. We have been close friends for 15 years (since we were 11). We were texting today and I sent him some updated pictures of myself since he doesn't get on Facebook. Among those pictures were a few bikini shots because I have been working out and transforming my body. Nothing inappropriate or risque. His wife found out - and now she's telling me I probably ruined their marriage. A little history: I think their marriage has been ruined long before now. They've been married for a couple of years, but it has not been good. She is the jealous type, he can't even talk to another female without getting in trouble with her. I met her once when they first got married, and she hated me right off the bat because we had been friends forever (though we never dated, or did anything like that). It has not been good for them - and they have been considering divorce. So this has been a long time coming. I feel awful though because I wasn't thinking of my actions and how it would make her feel. My fiance knows I have several guy friends and he knows what we talk about. He's not the jealous type at all. He has female friends too. So I'm not worried about him "finding out" In fact, I'm going to tell him what's going on right after typing this. I am worried about their marriage though and how i might have just helped end it. I don't know what to say to her - she messaged me saying she saw what we talked about and what he was saying to me. That's the part I feel the worst about - that he was saying things about how beautiful I was, etc... I regret not pointing him back to his wife. In a way, I feel like I was part of an affair. I am so sorry that I didn't point him back to his wife. Like I said, we've been best friends forever so I wasn't even thinking that deeply about it. I don't know what I should tell her or if I should email her back or what to do. I feel like the most horrible person in the world if their marriage ended... .though it has been at a stale mate, he has been looking for a way out because they are both unhappy and she won't go to marital counseling with him. What should I do???? Like I said, I'm not worried about my fiance and I breaking up, I just feel terrible about their marriage. I think I made a horrible mistake.

[jns]

His wife telling you that you probably ruined their marriage sounds like a case of misery loves company. She wants you worrying and miserable. You don't have to give her that satisfaction. Was your friend complimenting you on the results of your working out or do you think he was flirting with or coming on to you? He was the one who said something, not you. As long as you weren't flirting with him, what you said shouldn't have been a problem. It might have been nice of you to steer his focus back to his wife, but it was not necessary.

[asiangrace]

Ya, I wasn't flirting with him. He flirted with me a little, but I don't reciprocate. I know a lot about their marriage, and it's not good. I still feel horrible though...like I am the straw that broke the camel's back. Should I reply to her message or just leave it?? I feel like I've disrespected her enough, that ignoring her will just make her feel even more disrespected.

[jns]

You could message back pointing out that you did not flirt with him, but say your sorry. Generally though, you will not get any understanding from her. Anything you say or do will just get you in deeper. She set the tone of all future conversations by saying you probably ruined their marriage. I would just let it be for a while. You may want to save the texts for later as it will be brought up again but the messages will be distorted. Maybe use a digital camera to take pictures if you cannot get a transcription from a third party such as your mobile carrier.

[Little]

I agree with JNS - your friend's wife is just looking for a scape goat. You didn't make a horrible mistake ... you were just being a friend and taking a deserved compliment.

[Valnickyl]

Your friend's wife has a lot of low self-esteem and insecurity. What happens with their marriage is not your fault.... their marriage was already troubled if your friend could not have contact with female friends. You are giving his wife exactly what she is looking for.... guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You did nothing wrong. You two were friends long before she came into the picture and sending a childhood friend pictures of yourself (bathing suit or not) should not make her insecure. Your friend has every right to tell you you are beautiful.

[Peacheskreme]

Ditto

[asiangrace]

Wow, thanks everyone for the encouragement! I really appreciate it. I have been feeling so guilty for the last 24 hours. I know it's not totally my fault that their marriage is bad - I just feel like I didn't help things yesterday. They were completely innocent pictures - I wasn't naked or anything like that. My fiance and I have a very trusting, relaxed relationship. It wouldn't bother me him getting pictures of a childhood friend, so I didn't think it was a big deal. I actually didn't even give it a second thought - until she contacted me accusing me of tearing their marriage apart. I have been extremely careful not to cross any lines/boundaries or flirt with him out of respect for him, his marriage, and my fiance. I guess I just didn't think about how those pictures and his compliments would make his wife feel.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

In a way, I feel like I was part of an affair. I am so sorry that I didn't point him back to his wife. Like I said, we've been best friends forever so I wasn't even thinking that deeply about it.

AG why did you feel that?

Sometimes we do things because "we" need something.. He complimented you on your body, you are obviously proud of your achievement and so you should be. Am I missing something here where compliments are needed and not given at the moment to you from your fiance?

Most definately his wife is "using" you, to push further her own ending of their relationship.. That rift and those problems were there way before you sent photos of yourself in a bikini, or accepted the compliments thereafter.

Text her and say this... "You know achieving something in life is wicked, I achieved losing weight /toning up and my fiance is proud, I am proud and why wouldn't I show a long term friend of years, I wish you the best, you are still a beautiful woman, go and achieve " ......END OF STORY

[asiangrace]

AG why did you feel that?

Sometimes we do things because "we" need something.. He complimented you on your body, you are obviously proud of your achievement and so you should be. Am I missing something here where compliments are needed and not given at the moment to you from your fiance?

Most definately his wife is "using" you, to push further her own ending of their relationship.. That rift and those problems were there way before you sent photos of yourself in a bikini, or accepted the compliments thereafter.

Text her and say this... "You know achieving something in life is wicked, I achieved losing weight /toning up and my fiance is proud, I am proud and why wouldn't I show a long term friend of years, I wish you the best, you are still a beautiful woman, go and achieve " ......END OF STORY

What I mean when I say "part of an affair" is I felt like I helped him cheat on his wife... Maybe not physically cheat, but emotionally cheat. Like maybe his wife felt like he was giving another woman compliments that he should be saving only for her or maybe doesn't even give to her? In her mind, I am the "other woman" or the enemy. My fiance's strength is giving me compliments and making me feel beautiful - so I do not feel like I'm needing them. I have just been so excited about my new body, that I like showing it off. My friends and I have are always very complimentary of each other, so that's why I didn't give our texts much thought.

I do not feel as guilty now hearing feedback from you all. It's helping to hear outside opinions. My fiance says not to worry about it, that his wife obviously has personal issues she needs to work out.