[Shadow_Kat]

I'm in a kindda similar situation to this thread: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...-mistress.html

Our story is tho that he was married then separated (he told me the reason why he and his wife separated is because the love was just gone) then we met at a bar... dated for 4 month's and out of the blue his wife calls and he just drops everything to go out on a date with her.

We talked alot about his/our situation, we still wanted to stay friend's ( he's a great guy and I am still hopelessly in love with him and he still like's me, I've resigned myself to the fact that if i can not have him i'll take him as a friend over having to give him up).

We hung out, talked, texted, called... his wife found out twice she even talked to me trying to figure out what was going on..i told her nothing were just good friend's. After that he called it all off, some time passed then were back together as friend's hanging out...he came over/slept over...he took me to his friend's where they play music (me and him are now passionate about playing the banjo and folk style music, i want him to teach me) and that night is where i met his brother (lol whole other story) he pushed me towards his brother saying i'd have more of a chance with him.

Then I called it off, for a couple days he stayed away but then it was text after text and phone calls he was jealous i think...and i was miserable his brother was ignoring me so we started hanging out again, same routine... him coming over, talking, friend jam sessions... Then he called it off again, it seemed final this time...we never spent more then a week not talking, it's been months..then yesterday he call's and he wants to see me and is coming over.

My question would be what would u guys suggest me to do, I don't wanna lose him as a friend but at the same time what were doing is killing me.

I hope it's ok if I post on here, I dont really wanna risk anything!

[KMonte85]

Hi Shadow, I created a new thread for you, so we don't hijack Stereoheart's thread with answers to your question.

The way I see it, it's time to cut ties. I understand you have serious feelings for him, but this man is married and it seems very obvious that he's conflicted, and his wife is uncomfortable (rightly so, IMO) with your friendship.

Furthermore, this on again off again friendship is doing nothing but hurting you. How selfish that he believes he can just cut off your friendship for months, and then decide it's time to resume it, on his terms. That's not a friend.

You don't need this. You should tell him that you faired well the few months you haven't been in contact, and would like to keep it that way. You deserve better than what he's offering.

[Shadow_Kat]

Thankx again KMonte

Ya I was getting along well the months he was away, I hate him a bit for restarting that but i could never stay mad at him or turn him down...
I have so few friends, or basically we all moved on from high school so I'm alone now and having a good friend whom I can stand, have stuff in common with and visits on a weekly basis I really like.

I'm trying to work past the whole me and him fling thing and just be friend's that visit's and hang's out by trying to convince him to teach me to play banjo so I could play with him (the dawm thing never leave's his side, I have a special place for it at my house *lol*).

I really don't wanna lose his friendship!

[KMonte85]

What friendship? Friends don't just drop you like a bad habit. This guy keeps you around when it is convenient for him. I have a sneaking suspicion it may have to do with him trying to save his marriage. It is difficult to work on your marriage and remain friends with the woman you had a relationship with during your separation... that's a lot of baggage.

To add to that, you've still got romantic feelings for him that will not just go away by having him teach you how to play the banjo. Only time, and distance, will help this. This random contact has got your heart fluttering again, which is understandable given you never really made the switch in your heart from boyfriend to platonic friend..

This is dangerous territory. You were doing fine in the months he was away, you confirmed that. Never say never. If you WANT to separate yourself from this complicated situation and the painful feelings, you can. You will. You will find new friends, TRUE friends who care about you all the time (not just when they feel like it)... but to find them, you need to let go, occupy that time by partnering things you love to do with social situations.

[Shadow_Kat]

*lol* I kindda want to end this too once and for all, I almost came close last night asking him "why can't you stay..here" what I meant to say "Why can't you stay here forever with me" ...that's all I got for now in my ultimatum .

I'm also thinking about the brother (which made me a bit more stronger, poor love doesn't deserve this he's already in bad shape as it is). I'd never imagine myself leaving guy #1 if it weren't for guy #2.

[KMonte85]

Here's the thing... Guy #1... he's MARRIED. Yes, you met him and had your relationship when he was separated, but he's not separated anymore. His wife is very much in his life, and seems to be concerned about your friendship with her husband (as she should). So the lovey feelings your harboring for him? They need to be squashed. Because he's not yours. And you can't maintain a friendship with someone who you feel "more than friendly" towards. There's a line drawn in the sand there. That you are starting your ultimatums with "why can't you stay here forever with me?" screams that you're not looking to be friends. As for the brother, if you're so smitten about #1, you'll only be using his brother to stay close to the one who has your heart.

You need to do what's right here. You know you do, or you wouldn't be hesitating.

[Shadow_Kat]

If I break it off with guy #1 could I salvage my relationship with guy #2? One thing I already got out of the way is i asked guy #2 if it was ok if i still saw guy #1 and he said it was ok.

I'm just doing this cause yea I dont wanna live like this, I mean with the heartache...and guy #2 is super sweet and if at all possible i'd like to see where we can take this. As for guy #1 it's sure that if life happen's as i want it to happen he will still be around (family means alot to them, so the're often together) but we'll deal when the time come's.

Thankx for just letting me talk about it with people that doesn't know the people involved, helps alot to clear my head.

[KMonte85]

That's the beauty of this forum... you can clear the air, write it out, and no one here knows you... we have an outsider perspective, which can really help a person work through his or her throughts. It's magic really

I'm not sold that having a relationship with the brother is going to help you in any way. I understand he's a nice guy, but you can't move on from your Guy #1 if you're dating his brother and constantly seeing him as they're often together as family. You need to separate yourself from that situation ...completely. You need a clean slate, start over. To have a relationship with the man's brother, will only muddy up the situation and will not help you to heal and move on.

Do you enjoy doing any activities? Hobbies, sports? Do you volunteer or attend any worship groups? You mentioned you wanted to play the banjo and enjoyed music, how about taking a class? You need to get outside of the bubble you're in.