[briannasad]

I'm a 20 year old girl. I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months but we have been friends for years. Starting in April he has been on house arrest and was just recently taken off. I have been there for him the whole time, despite how difficult it was. I did everything he ever asked and tried to help him stay strong and happy through the whole ordeal. He has always been a name-caller but nothing serious and I never thought too much of it. But recently, we had a few drinks together and began going crazy. He is a very jealous possessive young man. On this particular night, as we are arguing he begins calling me a "****" and saying that he is going to "f_ck" all of my friends. The argument proceeded to another room where he continued screaming at me and then shoved me into a wall. I walked away saying I was going to tell my brother and it was at the point he said he was going to "f_ck up" my whole family. Needless to say, I broke up with him but then took him back the next night after he showered me with love and apologies and saying it would never happen again. I wanted to believe him so I made myself. Foolish me. Last night we went to a party together, and after saying hi to a male friend of mine, the arguing began. He took me out to the garage where he pushed me down 2 stairs and starting repeatedly calling me a "****", and saying things like that I wouldn't amount to anything and I don't deserve anything because I'm a "*****". I left the party and of course I ended things. He is continuously calling me, blaming the events on alcohol. What do I do? Why is he treating me like this? Will he ever change?

[Hugo-B]

Yes he is abusing you. No, you don't have to put up with it. I doubt he'll change, he needs help. He needs to WANT help first. The next step is him hitting you, then he'll break down, cry, apologize, and grovel until you take him back.. rinse and repeat until you're a wreck with a ruined life and no confidence, and hopefully for everyone's sake no children (with him, because then you'll never get rid of him). He's calling you names and telling you you're trash to try and make you believe you don't deserve any better than him. You do.

Get out, and stay out and away from this toxic piece of ****. Tell your brother too. Your BF is a bully.

[KMonte85]

Thank goodness you ended things with that jerk!

NO ONE deserves to be spoken to that way, or pushed around. He was most definitely abusing you, and thankfully you saw that his behavior was wrong and ended it. DO NOT TAKE THIS GUY BACK! He's just trying to sweet talk you (like he did the first time), so he can berate you and physically push you around (like he did the first time).

This has nothing to do with alcohol. That is his excuse, but being under the influence is no excuse for abusing someone you say you care about.

Do not respond to his calls or texts. STOP ANSWERING. Tell your family what happened, and if he continues to try to contact you, call the police and have them tell him to leave you alone.

[Stillness]

I'm a 20 year old girl.

You're a young woman. You stood by your man through a difficult time. That is a good and loyal thing. You deserve to be treated in kind. There are men that never have and never will hit their woman. We will only use our strength for her benefit, never to intentionally hurt her. It's just not in us. Ok, so he made one mistake. We all make mistakes, but twice?! He could have killed you pushing you down the stairs. What would you want your mother or sister or best friend to do if a man pushed them down the stairs?

You say he blames the alcohol. It wasn't the alcohol. He's not even taking responsibility. Alcohol weakens or removes the mental restrictions we place on ourselves that keep us from doing what we want. Some part of him wants to hurt you. Why? He said it wouldn't happen again. Why can't he stop himself from abusing you?

I never like to tell people, "Leave him" or "Don't take her back." Because we don't know all the details. Maybe you left our some really mean things you did or said to him. Maybe you could forgive him, he'd turn out to be a model husband, and you'd be happy. I believe this: The bond between man and woman allows them to work as a team and build something that neither could make alone. It's not automatic. It takes work. Some people aren't capable. They tear down. I know people like this and their spouses. They're not content with good things, like a loyal mate that loves them. They make life miserable. They can take a good man or woman and destroy them. Is your ex a builder or a destroyer?

[Claret]

In his mind it will always be your fault. You looked at another man. You had a drink. You didn`t clean the floor the way he wants you to. You didn`t pick up his favorite cake, you got one that you liked. Your money will become his money, he`ll give you your allowance for shopping (maybe). If you have children, they`ll never be good enough, quiet enough, smart enough to suit him. It`ll be your fault that he drinks, your fault that he hits you, then he`ll kick you when you`ve been pushed down the stairs one last time. He`ll apologize and apologize, bring you flowers, take you out for dinner on Tuesday and by Thursday you`ll be the trash beneath his feet again. And the worst part is you may start making excuses for him, he had a tough day at work (if he works), or you might even tell yourself that it`s because of something you`ve done, or didn`t do.
One piece of advise, - get out of this relationship NOW. He`s shown you his true colours and it`ll only get worse, not better. Trust me, I`ve been there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Will he ever change?

Hi sweet,

I guess when we are friends for years we expect to know enough about a person that we then, enter a relationship with right?

Perhaps you saw "bad boy" signs but not abusive signs.

Three months of your six months together he was under house arrest, that's kind of went from enjoying the beginning of a relationship, all the falling in lust/love stuff to being a Mother figure really didn't it?

How did that make you feel? Could he have avoided that or was in in trouble before you two got together and the Courts rules this during the relationship.

We have a choice when we choose a partner and the outcome doesn't always fit into what we want.

If we see trouble sometimes our intuition says " stay away" sometimes it says, "ah go for it". I think that he has some trouble with himself that he's not mature enough to get out of. I think that he may like being him, and his anger of being where he is at, having to stay home for 12 weeks may have bottled up, but ultimately he obviously has a very obsessive nature. Calling someone a **** means he doesn't trust ANY woman and he therefore in my opinion has done this before. Pushing them down stairs? That's the worse form of abuse to me, he's using emotional and physical and physical abuse IS dangerous.

You could try to check up on his past to answer your question but I think he's in a bad place and you can make better choices.

I also think that 6 months is not that long, your heart will mend quickly.

No woman should ever take abuse full stop.
No man should ever lay his hand on a woman full stop.

I think you know in your mind, what you are thinking, and it's the mind you have to follow this time, not your heart.

[briannasad]

Thank you everyone so much for your advice & guidance.

[jns]

What do I do? Why is he treating me like this? Will he ever change?

The others have said what to do and I will say it too. Break up with him and refuse to go back. He is treat you that way to control you, to get you so scared that you will stick with him even if he is very abusive. He will change, he will get worse. When he finds out you will stay, he will get more violent as he takes out anything that causes him to rage on you. And he will probably separate you from your friends and family so you don't have a support network.

[rcoreyus]

Get out and stay out. This has all the signs of abuse that will just get worse with time. There are many wonderful men that will treat you well, there is absolutely no reason to waste any more time with someone like this, and lots of reasons not to.

He will get mad, maybe threaten, maybe cry and say its his fault - try to do whatever he can to manipulate you into returning. All part of the standard abusive behavior. Once you are back, the problems will just start again - and get worse.

[Guest]

Alcohol is also known as "truth serum" because people say a lot of things they wouldn't otherwise say, that they really mean, thinking they can "blame it on the alcohol".

Abuse can be very subtle... Frankly, the first time he used the F bomb or any other term that offended you was the start of his abusing you. Minor or miniscule? Perhaps...then again, the Mississippi River starts as a trickle...

Do not ever go back...ever.

It's over, it's done, it's history and it was no fun.

Go find someone who loves you for you and who will cherish you too.