[better-day?]

Hello, this is my first time doing something like this, but I am desperate. I currently moved in with my partner but have been with him for almost 4yrs. We seem to have communication issues I cannot resolve. He can be very verbally harsh and once he runs out of patience (which is very very fast) he is loud, curses and can say very hurtful things. When he reacts this way, he says it is all my fault. I caused him to lose his temper, I caused him to react that way. His favorite line is, "there is always a cause and effect." I do have an issue in keeping quiet. I usually say what is on my mind without thinking. This is something that he has brought to my attention and I am working on controlling this behavior. I am trying to relax, take time, and think before I speak. When something happens and I do not like it or makes me feel bad, I now wait a few days to say something. I wait a few days, per his suggestion, and make sure I understand what it is I feel and why. Then if I feel the same way still, I tell him how I feel. This, however, still does not work. Instead he says I am ungrateful for everything he does for me and I have NO reason to ************** and complain to him about ANYTHING. He says if it wasn't for him, my son and I would have nothing. I try to explain to him that I am only trying to tell him how I feel, I am not complaining or ******************** at him. I try to tell him how I feel, but it seems to backfire. To him it's me being ungrateful. Last night we had this happen and it was pretty bad. He said some really hurtful things, I just couldn't hold back my tears. He says that whenever I get the feeling to say anything about how I feel, it just leads to me ******************** and complaining and that I should just not say anything at all.

I am a very emotional person, this he knows, but he says he is getting tired of dealing with this nonsense. I do not want to lose our relationship. I love him and want to be with him. I just need to find a way to make this miscommunication go away. But what?

[DreamP346]

Its hard to know what your partner is like based on one posting, but it sounds like he is pretty emotionally abusive. This sentence, "He says if it wasn't for him, my son and I would have nothing." now that is pretty harsh. A person who really cared would NEVER EVER say something like that. My personal advise would be to move out. You don't want your son being this behavior. You don't want him to learn that a man can yell at a woman. Your partner needs to go to anger management. Maybe you two can try couples therapy. They do teach you a lot about communication. But it only works if he recognizes that he is partly to blame and needs to change. Miscommunication is a two way street. its not just you. Just like there is a cause and effect. The "effect" doesn't have the right to blame the "cause" for the problems. The "effect" could have always stopped himself.

[Hugo-B]

It sounds to me like you are both rather intolerant of each other and are a somewhat explosive combination. x2 what SP346 says, that kind of environment is NO place for a child.

[lizzardb63]

We seem to have communication issues I cannot resolve.

In a relationship one person cannot resolve the problems. You have to work on it together. It shouldn't be solely your responsibility to fix a communication problem, because it takes two to make a relationship work.

Not only that, but in a relationship it's a give and take thing. You should be able to blurt out what's on your mind and not have to worry if you should have "thought about it first." You can't say what you think, not even days later which is 100% abuse. He has you convinced it truly is your fault, but the truth is he's a jerk. It is very unhealthy for your child to be seeing this behavior because monkey see monkey do. He will treat his girlfriends/wife the same as your partner treats you. DO you want that?

I feel very strongly about this because this is how my grandpa treats my grandma, who is the sweetest person you'll know, and it's made me lose all respect for my grandpa. He is a jerk and I wish my grandma would have gotten out while she could (many MANY years ago obviously). You're in his trap. He's already got you thinking his way...and it's so sad. And besides that what "behavior" do you need to control? Being open and honest and telling your lover how you feel? Since when did that become a sin? It's NOT and that's exactly what you're SUPPOSED to do in a relationship.

You shouldn't have to be fearful to share how you feel about something. He's supposed to be your best friend, the one who you can tell anything to.

[better-day?]

To sp346: Honestly he is a great man. He has helped me a great deal. I was in a dark place when I first met him and he brought me to the light. But YES, he can be hurtful with his words and reactions. I agree, I do not want my son to become this way towards women. My partner has actually gone to anger management before, a few times, and has improved. He is a really smart guy and good with words where he can talk his way out of something. Thank You.

[notlikethenormal]

You shouldn't have to be fearful to share how you feel about something. He's supposed to be your best friend, the one who you can tell anything to.

I second that!!

Only thing I've found that works with my boyfriend during a heated argument is to get quieter when he gets louder. Don't feed into his anger by throwing more anger at him, tell him how you feel but in a calm and collected manor.

I suggest this, but I do agree with other posters. That is not a healthy relationship for you or your child.

[better-day?]

lizzardb63- your words are hurtful because I agree with you. Thats exactly how I feel about sharing my feelings with him. I have told him that and still do, esp when he starts to yell. I try to get him to understand that I am only coming to him because I am hurt and want him to know how I feel. I have told him that I shouldn't have to be scared of going and talking to him for he is my partner and who else better to go to then him. But he responds with it isnt me sharing my feelings, its me ************** and complaining and being ungrateful. He tells me he wants me to think before I act/speak and by doing so I will see that I have less to complain about and be grateful for.

Im sorry to hear about your grandmother in that situation.

Thank You

[lizzardb63]

I'm sorry if it hurts, but it makes me sad to hear how he treats you. Just because you share your feelings with someone doesn't mean you're bitc**ing to them. That's his excuse to verbally abuse you. There's no excuses for that, not even if you are nagging. Who doesn't nag? I think every girlfriend/wife nags at some point! BUt so do they! It's just something couples go through. You're gonna get on each other's nerves and get into arguments, but to cut you off completely of sharing how you feel about things and say it's not sharing but bitc**ing is a poor excuse to treat you like that. He should love you no matter what and if he truly did he'd make the effort to listen to you. Im sorry, but I think you deserve to be treated like a princess.

[better-day?]

lizzardb63-Thank You!! All I need now is to find my Prince Charming....your words helped a lot