[yzf0600a]

First, I apologize for the long post I was hoping to provide a good picture of things.
Also, Having posted previously, I mentioned that I was going through a divorce, it hasn't happened yet (see inside) and I need advice
I wish to say things to everyone for having a place to post the following.

About 12 years ago I met my wife. She wasn’t the typical lady I would have made a long time relationship with. Having always been a shy and insecure person I was feeling very lonely so we continued to date. I still wasn’t that attracted to her but she told me how she had been working on her life and worked out her issues. She also told me what her goals were as far as her appearance and life in general. I believed her so and after awhile I moved in. Shortly after moving in we started to fight and argue all of the time but I didn’t want to be a lone any more after being alone for about 30 years of my life. I did have some girl friend but only a couple lasted any length of time. At this time in my life I was 35 never married and felt like this was my only chance, so I did what I new wasn’t right, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Before I could change my mind, I found out that she was pregnant with my son. This would be her second and my first. My step son was 5 when we meet and really did not like me at all. He showed often but my wife didn’t see it. As time past my life got even lonelier than before but I kept tell my self I did not want to be a divorced parent and at the bare minimum I needed to stay in the marriage until my youngest son was 18, so I stayed.

About 2 years into the marriage my wife found out that she had Lupus when she going in and out of the hospital. This only made my life more miserable. I stayed with her again for my son (so I told my self) and she needed me to help with the kids. She had alienated her family, which meant that she could not count on them.

Nothing changed over the years but I stayed in again hoping that it would change one day or if the opportunity came I could leave. About two years ago she started having to back to the hospital for stays as short as an emergency visit and as long as 2 weeks. The times between hospital stays could be between 2 weeks to the next day. Again I stayed to keep the kids going and she did not have anyone. Besides it wasn’t right to leave someone while this was going on. There were times that I would be 2 hours away with my son at his race and we would pack everything up to go meet her at the hospital. I have stayed with to the point that I would be up to as long as 24 hours or more. I would juggle work taking care of the house and schedule the times that I could visit her (with the boys or by my self) at the hospital. During these times she was mean, very mean to the boys and my self. Even once she was feeling better and was at home she did not appreciate what we did for her just so she wasn’t alone. She has always been very controlling, know it all, always right no matter what, but during this time she was the worst. My eldest son (step) tried to commit suicide 4 times because of her and her illness. She called the police on him for stupid reasons and would fight and slap his face etc. My youngest one seamed to be handling it pretty well or as well as could be expected. When the youngest one starting showing effects, he and I stated going to counselor. During these fights divorce never was discussed but again, she could not work, I could support two households and child support so it just washed a way.

Jumping forward, my eldest son has been gone with his father for the summer and when he returns will be moving to collage. My youngest one is doing better and when my wife feels better she is trying to be a better parent with youngest (the oldest doesn’t really want to take to her) and wife. The problem with this is that this is what she does for a while and returns to her normal self.

I have been talking to the counselor about getting a divorce but can’t afford one. Recently my boss told me that he may have to let me go and I was thinking about looking for a job wherever I could find one, even out of state. She was making plans to do my resume and move with me. I didn’t feel right about having her move away with me and then telling her I wanted a divorce so I told her then. This was to much pressure for me trying to find work and going through a divorce so the next morning I said I was willing to try one more time (she had asked the night before) and we decided to try. Luckily, I am still working because she still has not even started creating a resume for me which she said she would but need some information from me. I gave her the information that next day we discussed this and now about 30 days later, nothing has been even started.

Here is the issue, I do not love her and don’t want to spend my life with her. I do think that she is a good person but has to many issues for me to handle. The illness I could have dealt with but, but based on my description, thinks she may have a personality disorder, but she could be positive with out meeting with her. I was also told that this disorder couldn’t be fixed. When her attitude is good she is really great with the kids. She is very smart and works well has a teacher.

She is now trying to do all of the things that she didn’t and change the way she talks to us as well. When she is nice and starts trying, even though I am not in love with her I still feel sad, guilty (again she can’t take care of her self financially) and think that maybe this time it might work out. I know this is not the case but I am screwed up that way. I am trying to stick what I believe is right for me but it is difficult sometimes.
Inside I am so lonely and afraid that I may not find that special someone that I looked for all my life. I haven’t felt any loving contact of any type, kissing, handle holding, hugs etc. in about 5 years. There was one time when about 6 months ago we had to old hands but it creeped me out. I am feeling so starved for affection. Up to know I have not even thought of stepping out of the marriage As time goes on and the loneliness gets worse, the tears in bed (separate bedrooms for about 5 years) get more often it is becoming a possibility if it was the right situation for me.

I would really appreciate any thoughts, help, advice that could be given. Some how I have to be free and hope that I have not been forgotten at age 50.

Thanks again,
Y

[yzf0600a]

I thought that this may be to heavy for the board but it did feel good to get it out there.

So having said all this, not feeling very happy, I went to lunch at the local fast food Chinese restaurant. At the end of the meal I remembered that there was a fortune cookie left. Thinking that these cookies usually have some kind of uplifting thought. So, I opened it, looking forward to my fortune and...... nothing. The cookie was empty.
I hope this doesn't mean anything, do you think.

[Claret]

The only thing worse than staying in a bad marriage for 12 years is staying in a bad marriage for 13. I can read and hear in my mind the anguish you seem to be going through. Please understand though, her illness whether it be mental or physical is not of her making. She may not be able to help herself in this regard. Lupus invades and infects all parts of the body, sometimes all at once and at other times travelling throughout the body and no body part is safe. Her eldest son (your step-son) is now old enough to be out on his own and as you say is attending college this fall. Perhaps with one less worry and distraction in the house, the two of you will be able to work on the issues. If you truly cann't work through them, do both of you a favour and talk about (not should you) but when you divorce. How you both will handle it, how you will prepare your young son for the eventuality of the marriage breaking up. You wife will need help, start looking now for a support system for her. The Lupus foundation is where I'd start and perhaps they will have coping skills for her to use to get on her own two feet.
You also seem to need to vent and get things off your chest. Vent away.

[yzf0600a]

Thanks for the advice Claret. I lot the illness issues we discussed already with previous counselors. The illness is tough but that is not why I am feeling the way that I am. When she is feeling well and before she started to get really sick, she wasn't a pleasant person, very controlling and demanding. I enjoyed being romantic and showing affection but, no matter what I did, she just blew off. The flowers that I would bring home for no reason, she didn't like that type, the spa days, she would loose the gift card and not think twice about. Blow them off as no big deal. Since we have been together, I have done the laundry, worked, taken care of the kids (except for the school, she did that), work around the house. Only she made the kids clean or I would does the house get cleaned. She might do it once, then point our what she did and not do it again for months. She is a very smart person with a high I.Q. but she things that makes her better than everyone else. She sits in judgment over others often. We have not shared any affection or kind thoughts towards each other in I don't know how long. One time I spoke to her about what i needed, normal effection, not even sexual, I was told that I new who she was when I married her. Up to this point I have been with her because of the fear of loneliness, making someone was there for when sick and the kids. In many arguments she told me that I never loved her and should just leave (even after everything I went thru). the last big argument she said I should leave, when I said ok, she said that she couldn't pay the bills she would leave. latter that night I find her talking to a abuse hot line telling them that I have kicked her out of the house and has no place to go. This never happened. Then she was yelling at them becausue they couldn't give her a place to stay. She is trying some, but I fear this will be like all other attempts she made, short lived and worse after she stops being friendly. I do not feel any romantic love for her, just as friend sort of speak. I say that because I wouldn't take this treatment from a friend. I just cant stop feeling guilty about leaving her and the youngest. I was brought up that you don't leave someone when they are down. It is that I have been trying for so long, I don't have any trust or love to spare. The money issue is also an issue. If she can't work then I will probably have to cover everything for me and her. The youngest boy is a given and I have no problem with that. If I had the money I wouldn't mind so much, but I am paying for everything now. I could not afford two households, vehicles etc.
My life just sucks! This is embarrassing to say, but if It has gotten so bad for me that if I hear a song about love and affection, I start to cry. Even while at work if some plays something that triggers it, I have to go somewhere not to be seen. I see others in what seems to be happy relationships and girls that I would be interested in other circulstances and all I can think is that I will probably never have that. That is the crushing thought.


I have never cheated but as mentioned prior, it is almost become an acceptable concept if the right person came about.
If I don;t stop my self, I will go on for ever and continue to look foolish and weak.
I guess I was hoping to find out how others handles the separation from their spouse and kids as well as the financial side.
Looking back at all that I written and what life I have made for my self it seems that I am absolutely "buggered" for ever and that very saddening.

thanks again for letting me blabber on!
Y

[yzf0600a]

I was at work trying type it in quickly so fear that may not be as clear as I would like it to be.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The road to happiness, is to acknowledge that you want to be and take actions for yourself to persue it.

[yzf0600a]

Ok, it seems after checking with an attorney, I am mildly to majorly screwed. As mentioned that my wife couldn't work and is now only willing to work part time (she doesn't want to be sick again. She has a lot medical bills that she signed for and are in her name. She also has credit cards that are in her name but all are in collections and some have been even been through the legal system to try to collect. Because she had them in her name and I wasn't anywhere on them I wasn't concerned with these bills. After doing a basic (not full) consultation with an attorney, I could be responsible for up to 50 percent of the debt in the relationship plus alimony and child support. I do not make that kind of money. Right now I am carrying all of the bills for the family my self. I am concerned that I will fall into a big hole if I have to support two house holds and what every bills. I have checked into bankruptcy but I don't a full understanding of my options yet. The frustrating part of this is, after one bankruptcy due to here medical bills and she never paid any bills (which she kept insisting that she would), I worked really hard at rebuilding my credit, hers still sucks. At 50, I don't know how much fight I have left. All I know is that I am heading into a real depression if I can't get something figured out.

I have also been checking on some web sites relating how to tell if your marriage is over and the facts about how it effects your life and your children. The prognoses seems to be that it has a great effect on the kids. That the kids that come from a broken home don't do as well as those from an intact family. I do know that I came from a divorced family (3 marriages each) and as an adult, looking back, it may have contributed to issue I have now. I watch the people I work (only one is divorced out 5) with and their families and their lives to seem to be better.
I am really concerned about my youngest son, he has seen a lot in this family, probably a lot more than the average and I don't want to do anything that will make is life worse.


I am so confused I don't know what to do, stay and make my self miserable and possibly serverely depressed and lonely for my son or just go though it all and suffer the pains and possible depression of having my financial life possibly collapse.

I apologize for continuing on about this here but I don't have a no support group of my own. I tried to talk to my dad (after going through 2 divorces and possibly another) about it one day and I haven't heard from him since. At previous times during the marriage I have considered leaving but I had no idea that it would be so difficult to try to find happiness.

Any insights, ideas, thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Y

[jns]

You got married for a wrong reason: being lonely. Love has not grown in the marriage and you are not happy about the demands of the marriage. It sounds like a perfect case for divorce. Your children have to know that this marriage is not healthy. Staying together is not doing them any favors. The finances will be what they will be. If you have to start over; start over.

[Claret]

OK, lets look at some issues. Children can and do survive divorce very well. My two children are examples. They survived very well because my ex and I decided that after we split, the issues no longer were between he and I, but only about the children and how best to provide the best possible life for them. This can be accomplished by compromise and each supporting the other in child rearing. If it entails paying some support then so be it. Perhaps your son could live with you which would lessen the impact of any payouts you would be required to make. You say your son has already seen so much, so perhaps it's time to ease things up for him. A calm, cool, environment may be just what he needs.

Yes, normally divorce is calculated on total assets minus total debts divided by two. This includes your house, tax refunds expected, retirement plan money etc. However, spousal support was not and is not intended to be a lifetime obligation. Most courts now will award alimony for a set period of time, not indefinetely. Again there are formulas that the courts will use to determine how much and how long. After that, your wife may need to depend upon assistance from the government or state. This may not be a bad option as her medical then would probably be well looked after.

Bankruptcy, would this really be so bad at this time? It would clear your debts, determine how much each of you would have to pay and see you starting all over with a fresh start.

Also, credit cards in one spouses name or in both spouses names are joint accounts for the purposes of dividing property. Her debts are your debts. Why then, would you assume you weren't responsible for these cards and the collections of debts? It doesn't appear that your wife was hiding them from you?

I would speak with a second attorney because I think you may have either heard some things incorrectly or weren't given the full picture of how the division of property works. One other avenue that I can think of would be to clear all the debts by getting an extension on your loan for you house and paying off all the debts thereby saving your credit rating. Then when the divorce goes through and the house is sold there is nothing more to foul up your credit and would help your wife obtain future credit on her own after the divorce when you are no longer responsible for anything.

[Claret]

Oh, and cheating will not solve any problems here. It won't solve your marital difficulties, your money issues, your personal issues. It would only compound the problems that you already have. AND, if detected then you would be in a bigger predicament than you are now.