[Latindiva1982]

Hello All,

I've been in a relationship with this man for a year now. When we first met he said he was married and he wasn't happy etc.. the entire spill most married men say. We currently live and work overseas and his wife and two kids live in the US. He has been working overseas 6 yrs out of the 8 years his been with her and hasn't been happy with her the last 7 years. He said he was going to get a divorce because he wasn't happy with her and ever since he and I started seeing each other he has realized what a real relationship is etc.. He calls home every day to talk to his kids and of course she is there in the background listening and commenting on everything that is going on. The divorce papers have been filed and now he is waiting for them to come in the mail so he can sign them. The thing is his kids are very young and the agreement they came up with is that he will support her with 7,000 a month for the next 3 years. Basically she doesn't have to work for the next 3 years until the kids are in school. This upsets me very much because I feel like she is taking advantage of him being a good father. Why can't she work and do for herself? I understand a year maybe of him helping her out to get on her feet and pay child support but 3 years?!!! and on top of that when we both leave this awful place and he isnt' making as much he will pay her 4,500 a month. REALLY??!!! I know he wants the best for his kids but he doens't have to do for her. I'm I over reacting?... Also she makes sure she emails him every single day! He said he asked her not to email him to his work email which he gets automatically and he cannot turn that phone off because that is his work email but she takes advantage of it. She is texting him at 1030pm when we both are asleep and I flip out on him so we end up argueing. It's every single day she is texting/emailing him about the stuff that can be emailed to his personal email. It really bothers me and I know she is doing it on purspose but we end up fighting about it. He is a really sweet man to me but I don't know if I can handle all the baggage he has and will continue to have for the next 3 years. I can handle him having kids but him taking care of her is something I can't. I'm 26 years old, beautiful, smart and very independent I know I can find someone without all this baggage but I do love him. I just don't know what to do.

[stariana]

Just because he is paying her for the next three years doesn't mean his "baggage" will go away in three years. There is no "I love him, but. . . " You need to figure out if you can accept his life as it is, without hoping it will "end" at some point. His children are his children, for life. His ex-wife will always be a part of his life in some way, as the mother of his children. Either you can accept these facts, or struggle with it. But his past won't change because you want it to.

[notlikethenormal]

I assume she hasn't worked the entire time they've been married, so why wouldn't he continue to support her?? Its called spousal support if I remember correctly. I'm really not wanting to come off as judgmental but you knew he was married when you got together with him so how can you fault her for contacting her own husband? I can imagine she hasn't had it easy either being alone raising their children without him, now shes loosing him and really has no way to try and get him back since he's not even in her country.

[DreamP346]

The amount of support money is relative to what he is making. If he is making $25,000/month, then he should pay more, but if he is making $8,000/month, then its too much. He is paying the money for his children, not necessarily his wife. He wants the best for his kids (when/if you have kids, you will feel the same). Having a stay at home parent to take care of kids can be very good for the kids. Why should the kids suffer and not only have to go through their parents divorcing, but also have to face financial difficulties that necessitates their mother suddenly having to work.

Being a single parents, working and basically being 100% responsible for 3 small kids is truly unfair. Why should she have to go through that just because her husband decided he fell in love with somebody else. They had kids together. The responsibility of the kids should be on both, not just one parent. As your boyfriends can't be there to take care of the kids, the least he can do is financially take care of them. Also, when they got married, he entered a finanical agreement with his wife. Its the same as any other business. Once you sign on the dotted line, you can't just change your mind without consequences. The wife must have given up for the relationship. She obviously hasn't worked professionally since she is taking care of THEIR children. Finding a job after being absent from the work force such a long time is difficult, especially in this economy.

The issue with his wife texting is not his fault. Don't be mad at him for it. Understand that this baggage will not go away, EVER. Its will be less once the kids are out of college (understand, he will pay for that as well, even though he legally isn't required to). You will also have to be a step-mother to his kids and deal with their mother directly. And to her, you will always be the other woman who broke up her marriage (regardless of the actual circumstances). Ask yourself if you are really ready for that. Based on your question, and it might just be that you are venting, it sounds like you are not anywhere near to understanding the complexities of marriage, divorce and children. Remember that you will always be number 2 to his kids. They will always come first. And if he is the type of man that doesn't put his kids first, then by my standards, he is not a good man.

[Claret]

Latindiva, no offense here, BUT . . . what concern of it is yours, how much he pays his wife in alimony or in child support? I assume you are self sufficient, and I assume you are not subsidizing these payments of his. His relationship with his wife is not to concern you either. What should concern you is that he is being a stand-up guy and taking care of his committments and his obligations to his children. You probably haven't been privy to conversations between them in which they decided that her being at home is in the best interests of the children and probably not involved in the conversations they have about the rearing of these children. Give the man a break!

So my answer is Yes, you are over reacting. Their relationship is none of your business just as his relationship with you is none of her business unless and until it involves you being involved with their children.

[jns]

Latindiva, you willingly entered this situation knowing he had a wife and a family. Now you are objecting to the terms he negotiated with her to make sure his kids grow up with a reasonable standard of living. Why did you get involved with a married man if you expected him to totally abandon his wife and children? Would you want someone who would do that to you? Yes, you are overreacting.

The ideal situation would be if you and her opened calm communications. Then you are not out of the loop with his ex and children. Could you do this? Could you back off of being possessive to build a genuine bridge? Most could not, but there are some who could.

[Latindiva1982]

SP346,

Thanks for the advice, yes he is a good man. He will do anything and everything for his kids. I'm a single parent, I had a baby when I was 18 years old and have raised him on my own. Yes I've made sacrifices to work overseas to I can give him the best because I don't ask his father for anything. I've worked since I was 16 years old and still working for everything I have. His soon to be ex has a BA and her own business in photography so it's not like she can't work. She got married with him and quit her job as a hair stylist which I think is a good job also. I'm working on not getting mad at him for her texting him all the time but it's hard and yes I was wrong in getting in this relationship but it happened. I don't mind him doing eveything for his kids because I want to be a part of their lifes also. I want to spoil them the way I do my son and I am ok with him paying everything for them. I just think he is doing to much for her when she is capable of doing on her own. Thanks for taking your time on reading and replying.

[Latindiva1982]

JNS,

I didn't expect him to leave his wife and abonden her and defenetly not the children. He adores his kids and will give them the world. I would love to be able to communicate with her but she hates me which is understandable and I know it will take time but how long? will she ever forgive me? I want to a part of his childrens life also but I know she doesn't even want me around them. He said it will take time just to be patient but I'm not good with patience that is something I'm working on.

[jns]

Latindiva, I don't know of your background, but I have read about executive health insurance at some companies in Latin America for a man not only covering the wife and children, but also the mistress. That acknowledges that mistresses are relatively common and that they also have to be provided for. That being said, she probably won't forgive you, but maybe you should try to open communications. I'm definitely not saying to visit. Patience may work. What was his relationship with his wife that caused their problems?

[Latindiva1982]

JNS,

Thanks for the information but I am well set for my age. I own two homes, 2010 truck paid off and almost done paying of my 2011 Mercedez, 401k, savings, mutual funds and going to school I don't need him financially. I've done pretty well for myself as a single mother that is why I'm bothered that she can't do the same for herself as a 31 year old female with a degree and a business. From what he has told me she was never passionate with him, they met back when he was in the military so he always had to be clean shaved. When he finally decided to get out and do something else he let his beard grow and starting working out which he wanted to compete as a body builder. He mentioned that she stopped kissing him because his beard was to long so he started sleeping on the couch. He has slept on the couch for the last 4 years. When he started working overseas he got to go home every 3 months for a month in the US (with her) his house would always be dirty so he would have to come to his house to clean, cook and do laundry. She would get drunk and disrespect him so they would fight because of it. He said that out of that month they would maybe have sex once or twice and she just stopped taking care of herself. She gained weight and started taking medication and just kept drinking. He owns a liquour store so she has access to all the alcohol she wants and of course takes advantage of it. There was never a time that she did anything special for him (so he says) when I surprise him with gifts he just doesn't know how to act because he says she never did anything for him. I get off work and I have snacks for his that he likes and it just makes him so happy. It just amazes me that she never did anything for him and when I do little things for him hes like a big kid. All shes done is things for herself and now the kids but never anything for him. She has never served him a plate when they are going to eat it's always him doing for her so he is just fed up. He has given so much and didn't get anything in return but it's hard to believe just one side becuase I know there is always to sides to a story. It didint' give him the right to cheat on her and I always tell him but I got wrapped up into too so I can't just blame him. There is times when I just want to leave and walk away but theres that guilt inside me telling me I shouldn't because of all he has done. We have hurt people along the way with this relationship and to just walk away? it hurts me even more.