[adviceanyone]

okay so the day of breaking up with my ex of 3 years i went out to the pub, met this guy. sparks and chemistry was there ( i was not looking for anything but a good time!) however this guy and i hung out alot after that and within 3 weeks i was his girlfriend.

- i found it difficult to allow myself to fall for this guy, i would push him away and we would fight over it ( in the end this guy could not take it and ended things with me, he said i need to get over my ex).

but the thing is now that i am single, i have realized how deep my feelings are for him and how much i really did enjoy the month or so i had with him. ( i am completly over my ex and have no desire at all to see or talk to him, i want this new guy but i really screwed things up and i don't think there is a chance of giving things another go.


we are still talking but haven't seen eachother for about a week. - he said he wished i wasn't so raw from my ex and still wants to see me ( still sleep with me).. i said that the only way i will sleep with him is if we hang out , he says he doesn't want to hang out yet because he doesnt want the feelings to come back.

i really like this guy but i know i will just get hurt if i go through with it. what shall i do?

[Hugo-B]

This guy likely feels quite humiliated. I've met the 'I've just split up with my BF' woman before and they usually go back to them or aren't over them. No one likes wants to be with someone who's not recovered from their last relationship but we've all done it LOL.

If you're still talking he must still be interested, even if it's just to a lesser degree, this is good, but you're already in damage control. This new guy sounds the 'nice guy type' this is also good.

Words lie, actions don't. You need to demonstrate via your actions that you're not going to mess this guy about again and hurt his feelings. I think you owe him something, you at least have a duty to him to make an effort and prove to him you do hold value in him as a partner. I'm not saying chase him but make an offer to show you want to make things up to him. My ex's were CRAZY and used to (temporarily) reconcile for doing all sorts of crazy things by taking me out to dinner or buying me little presents.

Why don't you offer to take him out to his favorite restaurant or take him on a little day out to somewhere he likes? This would be good since you'd get to spend the entire day together without pressure to have sex, you can just enjoy each others company. Dinner will only take a few hours and he'll (and you can't blame him) probably want sex after.

In short, prove you like him and his company (it sounds like he is the relationship type and did like you) by initiating and probably shouldering the nominal cost of a day out and spend some time together not having sex during which you will not act like a **************.

Good luck!

[adviceanyone]

i have asked to take him out to dinner and to spend some time together like we use to but he said that he is not interested in having a relationship with me and only wants to have sex with me now..
i am on my period atm, he asked me to spend the night with me and i told him that i wouldnt be able to have sex with him but would still love to come over, he declined and said " we can just wait until your period is over".
i keep changing my mind on whether or not i want to be his friend with benefits. he treated me so amazingly when i was his girlfriend now he treats me like i am nothing but a booty call...
i don't know what to do. i like him alot but why continue seeing him when it is never again going to be what i want?

[adviceanyone]

he continued to say " lets just have some fun until you move".. i said no, that the only way i would sleep with him again is if we went back out. he said : no way is that going to happen". i said " ok".

im the one that feels humliated, used and just not good enough. i never slept with him after he broke up with me, i am relieved that i never did. i just can't believe the way he is treating me, with zero respect or kindness..
i have done the right thing but it still hurts alot.

[Hugo-B]

he continued to say " lets just have some fun until you move".. i said no, that the only way i would sleep with him again is if we went back out. he said : no way is that going to happen". i said " ok".

im the one that feels humliated, used and just not good enough. i never slept with him after he broke up with me, i am relieved that i never did. i just can't believe the way he is treating me, with zero respect or kindness..
i have done the right thing but it still hurts alot.

It sounds like he's 'flipped the script:' you feel humiliated and used now, he felt humiliated and used when you were together.

If he's saying he only wants sex, and you're now saying you only want a relationship then unless one of you budges you will remain in a impasse. If he has categorically stated, re the two of you getting back together: "no way, that is not going to happen" then it may well not. This wasn't mentioned in your first post so I couldn't comment on it. You know the guy, I only have three of your posts to work with. Do you believe him? Do you think he is he serious? It sounds like a typical case of bad timing, unfortunately you may just have met the right guy at the wrong time (for you).

It would take a lot for you to re-earn his trust and respect after (your words) "i found it difficult to allow myself to fall for this guy, i would push him away and we would fight over it"


To be totally honest with you, I've been in a similar situation to this guy. But before I go further I would like to say IF he IS seeing anyone else I think it would be best to give up, or at least wait and reassess the situation when/if you're both single at the same time in the future. When I was in his situation and I wasn't seeing anyone else the way the girl got back with me was accepting my offer of just having sex and we basically did just that until we'd just fallen back into the situation where we were BF and GF (again). If this guy is a 'relationship person' as opposed to a serial monogamist or 'playa' then is inclinations will remain pointed towards that. You need to realize that you've likely hurt his feelings and he's now afraid, or at least reluctant to 'let you in again'.

All I can say is that the tactic employed by an ex of mine got you out of the situation you're currently in (and don't want to be in) and into the one you do want to be in.

Are you an only child by any chance?

[adviceanyone]

after some time to think i decided to go ahead with the fwb thing ( once i said yes things were getting back on track, it was like it use to be, we hadn't slept with eachother yet though). however after talking to my best friend she told me that this guy tried to sleep with her right after him and i broke up. i confronted him about it and he didn't deny it, he said he wanted to screw someone else to get over me. ( i was so hurt and humilated that i said i don't want to have anything to do with him, that i hate him and that it was so low what he tried to do).. we hadn't even been broken up for a day and he tried to hurt me in such a big way.

he made out like he didn't care, he said " just ****ing leave me alone, i told you i didn't want to go out with again anyway, all i wanted wasone last **** off you"..
now we don't talk.

[adviceanyone]

how can i tell if he is player or if he is just hurt over the way i pushed him away. he also said to me yesterday that he felt like i was never really his when we were together.. should i contact him or leave it the way it is?? i don't want to look pathetic and needy..

[Hugo-B]

I would give him some space. I think the only chance you have is if he manages to reach the conclusion alone that he'd like to give things another try.

Either he is severely lacking in moral fiber (by trying to screw your friend), or you made him so upset and angry (by pushing him away) that he isn't prepared to give you another chance and take you on again as his GF, so is trying to get back at you this way.

Only you know the truth, so you're going to have to make a judgement call. Either way give him some space for a week or two and try and make the most of the 'cooling down period'. Being pathetic and needy isn't attractive to anyone, no, a couple of weeks 'off' should help you ensure you avoid that.

[adviceanyone]

after a day and a half of no contact i ended up contacting him and told i was sorry and do want to " try having fun for a while" but i got no response. so i think i can safely say that he no longer wants to have anything to do with me. its stupid, i always want what i can't have...

[Hugo-B]

I would try spending a couple of months single and abstaining from sex sex (if you can) just to assist you in clearing your head whilst you think about what you want. Next time you meet someone with whom you're compatible you'll know not to repeat the mistakes you made with this guy.

Good luck x

BTW, are you an only child by any chance?