[JonDoe]

For years and to this day, when my wife and I have discussions, I routinely ask "Why do you always have to make it about you?" The conversation can be as simple as me expressing how a particular comment or rolling of the eyes made me feel. Why can't she acknowledge my feelings and apologize before moving on to something else, perhaps even unrelated? Not acknowledging my feelings makes me feel unimportant and unloved. Is this a defensive mechanism? Is this a way to control the conversation? Is she simply not able to accept responsibility? Does she keep a mental scorecard of wrongs, which in her mind has way more wrongs commited in my column? Perhaps she feels this pales in comparison to the wrongs I have done her and this is trivial by comparison, thus refuses to acknowledge it. Whatever the case may be, it is one thing we routinely struggle with in our marriage and it causes a communication breakdown, which in turn makes it difficult to move forward and grow together as a loving couple.

Yesterday, it suddenly struck me after a similar conversation. She places an unreasonable expectation on herself to be perfect. My wife first reacts with sadness because she realizes she has hurt my feelings; however, instead of acknowledging my feelings, apologizing and moving on, she immediately begins to feel she failed, which turns to anger because she has such a hard time with failure. It's not that she doesn't understand how I feel at that moment nor does she have a lack of compassion for me, she just beats herself up mentality and then it becomes so overwhelming that she turns defensive. Because she is beating herself up, it is as if she is now fighting with two people, me and herself, and she feels backed into a corner. No wonder she reacts the way she does, even though I was only sharing my feelings with her and didn't raise my voice or put all the focus on what she had done wrong.

So I waited a few minutes until she had collected herself, then I asked her if she feels the need to be perfect. She said "Yes." Then I asked her if she places that burden on herself or if I make her feel this way, and she acknowledged that she places the burden on herself. So I went back to the conversation we just had and asked her to replay what she thought and how she felt immediately after I shared my feelings. Bingo! Suddenly a light went on for her too! I have hit on something!

Anyway, we agreed to set it aside until later in the day after church, chores and taking time to relax and reflect. It was perhaps the best talk we have had as a couple in many years. It was a communication breakthrough!

[Hugo-B]

Good work Jonny! You are a much more patient man than I'll ever be!

[Ahryin]

I agree with Budda....you have WAY more patience than I do. However I commend you because it proves you are really in love with your wife and in this day and age that is a rare thing. I pray she is worth it and returns it