[Robyn42]

My bf and I have been together for 8 months. We have known each other since we were 14, we're 40 now. About 2 yrs ago I just got out of a 10 yr mentally and emotionally torturous relationship. My bf was very interested in me then and we went out several times. I told him then that I was too damaged to be in any kind of relationship and asked if we could just be friends. We stayed in casual contact but didn't date each other for those couple years. I did the counselling thing, spent time with friends and my kids and just concentrated on healing during that time.

When I started feeling human again, I realised what a great guy he was and started initiating more contact. He called me over Christmas holidays and invited me out for a drink with him and a mixed group of friends (m&f). We went to the club with about 10 other people and drank quite a bit. While at the club, he and I sat in a booth by ourselves, basically gazed into each other's eyes, only danced with each other, and connected (I thought). After the club, he and his friends dropped me at home (we had a DD), he walked me to my door (having to crawl over people to do so) and gave me a big goodnight kiss in front of everyone. He even texted me a few minutes later to thank me for the kiss. The next person to get dropped off was female about 10 minutes from my house. I found out about a month ago that he spent the night with her that night. He was unable to fully "perform" but still tried and spent the night.

We went out on our first official date a few days after New Year's and have been together ever since. He treats me extremely well, treats my kids awesome, says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The female is best friends with his best friend's wife so whenever we get together socially with this group she is usually present.

I know that this happened before we were a couple. I know that his actions now should be more important than a drunken mistake. I am destroying this relationship with hatred and jealousy towards this woman. And I 'm pretty angry with him too. How do I let this go and enjoy just being with him? I am very insecure and have HUGE trust issues after my previous relationship. I hate feeling like this but just can't seem to get over it. How do I focus on the good and forget the bad?

Any help?

[notlikethenormal]

Does your BF know how you feel? I mean does he understand it the way you've told us here. If I understand correctly you are more hurt cause you thought there was a connection and for him to end up with some random hook up right after leaving you makes it seem like he cared nothing about you. Of course they were drunk and nothing happend, which in reality he should probably be thankful for, but he still went home with another woman. I just thought maybe if you let your true feelings known, he can reassure you about the situation and you can get some closure.

[KMonte85]

Have you ever sought counselling to work through the anger and trust issues from your previous relationship? If not, I think you may benefit from it. Your current boyfriend did nothing wrong, and unfortunately you're punishing him for it anyway because of indiscretions from boyfriends past. In your own words, you're destroying an otherwise perfect relationship.

End the cycle, and learn to process the anger you feel from your past relationship(s) in a healthy way. This guy seems like he's in love with you, don't wreck it because he (almost) slept with someone else the day you were crushing on each other, but not even near being a couple yet. As well as he treats you, he deserves to be treated the same... makes sure you do so, by seeking whatever solace you can - whether through therapy, journaling, even using wise friends as a sounding board for concerns.

[donnaatthegym]

theres no respect
going out is suppose to be the beginning of a healthy lasting delicious relationship
what do men do? they pick the trousers with the broken zipper

the best way to forget and move on is!
start dating other people and it helps to take the edge off the memories that remain in our brain
how do you deal with that?
you stay strong and you prevail at the same time do not allow yourself to constantly wallow in thought about ypoure other half that his current status is history...

[Robyn42]

* notthenormal
We have discussed it and he understands how I feel. I used the example of how would he feel if I ended up going over to someone's house after he dropped me off that night. His defense was that we had dated a few times a couple of years ago and I pushed him away then so how was he to know that I was really interested this time? I have done a lot of analyzing of the situation and it was more than being hurt. I was trying to hold him up to a higher standard because I wanted him to have the morals and values that I practice. I'm trying to get past that and not expect him to be perfect. I need to keep reminding myself that just because he made one bad decision, does not make him a bad person. He really does treat me like gold. I just really have a hard time letting people in because of my past.

[Robyn42]

*KMonte85
oh you bet I did counselling, that's the only way I am semi-functional right now,lol. I do for the most part make a concerted effort to treat him well and tell him daily that I love and appreciate him. Unfortunately, things flare up with me when this women shows up at group functions. I am looking into returning to counselling. I hate feeling this way. Logically I agree with everything you said but cannot help how I feel. I'm working on processing my reactions to this whole situation as I said in my reply to Nothenormal. I think I was disappointed that he reacted like a typical guy when I wanted him to be more than that. Actually he is more than just a typical guy. He is a wonderful man. I need to figure out how to not pick things apart and dwell on one negative thing.

[Hugo-B]

** notthenormal
We have discussed it and he understands how I feel. I used the example of how would he feel if I ended up going over to someone's house after he dropped me off that night. His defense was that we had dated a few times a couple of years ago and I pushed him away then so how was he to know that I was really interested this time? I have done a lot of analyzing of the situation and it was more than being hurt. I was trying to hold him up to a higher standard because I wanted him to have the morals and values that I practice. I'm trying to get past that and not expect him to be perfect. I need to keep reminding myself that just because he made one bad decision, does not make him a bad person. He really does treat me like gold. I just really have a hard time letting people in because of my past.

I see a couple of issues here;

Firstly, the residual emotional damage which you still carry from your last relationship, this may have affected your decision, or at least your reaction to what happened that night re your boyfriend. I think some form of therapy should be undertaken to help you deal with this;

Secondly, the more minor issue of the disappointment which you experienced that night with your (at the time) prospective BF. Whilst the facts were, you weren't together, you pushed him away last time, and you were both drunk (so he prolly just thought it was a drunk kiss) I can see where your disappointment and frustration is flowing from: you thought you were starting a new 'fresh' relationship, the fairy tale one you were hoping to find after your last nightmare one; you felt an emotional connection and thought it was reciprocated, which it may have been, but has now arguably been devalued, and to add insult to injury you have to face the woman who 'had a go' on your white night at social functions and put a brave face on whilst behaving in a civilized manner.

I don't think there is any relationship that is perfect, that isn't tainted by some kind of problem or issue. People have been murdered, wars have been started and people have been forced to wear chastity belts and be neutered over sexual jealousy. Don't let it ruin this for you. As far as trade offs and compromises go this guy sounds pretty sincere, and most importantly his actions back up his words, I'll bet he would have spent the night with you if he'd had the chance. You didn't need to throw yourself at him, she did, yet he still chose to come and find you after. That speaks volumes.

The new guy did something stupid when he was drunk, what man doesn't? It sounds like the improvement from the last guy to this guy has been significant, if you mess this up another man like this may not come along for a while, appreciate him, you pushed him away and likely hurt him last time, and he's STILL come back for more. He loves you , lots! Don't push him away again or you may hurt him so badly he wont be able to come back.

In another thread a girl in your situation reported good results from 'sentence stems' it's a form of therapy/self help which typically yields quick and positive results when done regularly. There is no detriment or expense to doing them and they are very 'safe'. I was chatting to a therapist on Saturday and she said a large part of therapy is writing things down, journalling and putting thoughts onto paper. Like Lawyers say, 'if your thoughts are unclear on paper, it is probably because they are unclear in your mind'. Writing things down encourages you to crystalize your thoughts and turn them into something tangible. Writing a clearly worded and robustly constructed letter to your ex requires a clearly worded message, free from vacillation, prevarication and ambiguity. This helps you to reach a conclusion about particular feelings which allows you to move forwards and leave negative feelings behind.

This is the thread and the technique for sentence stems are described on the first or second page I think.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/relationships/52366-getting-over-emotional-abuse.html

[DreamP346]

I was trying to hold him up to a higher standard because I wanted him to have the morals and values that I practice. I'm trying to get past that and not expect him to be perfect. I need to keep reminding myself that just because he made one bad decision, does not make him a bad person. He really does treat me like gold. I just really have a hard time letting people in because of my past.

This is where I disagree with you and most of the other posters. He didn't do anything wrong or stupid. He was a single guy who got to flirt with one girl and then go have sex with another. When a person is single and looking to meet and hook up with other people, they talk and flirt with many people. They may even kiss and have sex with some of them. Just because there was some flirting going on that night between you and him, that doesn't tie him to you. He has every right to flirt with somebody else and even spend the night with somebody else. What you are doing in imposing your personal moral values based on your current circumstance to an incident that happened long before a relationship existed. Not only did you have no rights over this man, you also can't impose your values on him and make him feel guilty for not following them. Here are my suggestions for getting over it:

1) Understand it happened before there was anything between you two (come flirting and a drunken kiss doesn't count)
2) You can't impose your morals on somebody else. To you flirting with one woman and then trying to sleep with another is wrong. But that is not the case for everybody.
3) Be happy his IS your boyfriends and not this other woman's right now.

[Ahryin]

ok...once again I only have a few moments and i'm not trying to be mean just straight forward....are you seriously going to allow a woman who means nothing destroy something that means everything to you? He is good with your children, he loves you and is with you and bottom line you two weren't together when it went down. Yes you had a moment and for all you know that moment is what stopped his johnson from working. On top of that you have history with this man, he could have left long time ago but he is with you. This woman knows nothing about you or at least did not that night and honestly she is not your friend she is someone elses friend. Your actions are going to end up making matters worse. Much worse! You cannot ask one man to pay for another mans mistakes...so take a good look in the mirror, find yourself, your worth and figure out what you have to do to LET THIS GO. It literally has NOTHING to do with you...NOTHING. The only reason its even messing with your relationship is because you are allowing the green eyed devil to run through it...YOU not him..this is YOUR doing.
Coming from relationships that have been emotionally draining, trying and confrontational I understand how hard it can be to pull it together and trust someone else. When you have a man who loves you and who loves your children and above all else does right by you and them you don't want to throw that away over and imaginary problem. If you can't get it together seek help but not because of him but because you have not let go of those feelings of abuse you are bringing baggage into a new relationship and it is all based on a fear...

[Robyn42]

Thanks to all who replied.
*buddhaboy: I think the thread you mentioned is what brought me to this website to begin with. Also I think you hit the nail on the head about my fairytale expectations. I am grateful to him for giving me a second chance and have told him so. He understands that 2 yrs ago there was no way I could have given him what he wanted. He was falling in love with me and I had lost both of my parents 9 months apart and then my 10 yr relationship ended 2 months after my mother died when my s/o found out he wasn't entitled to anything from the estate. I am going to try some journalling and sentence stems. It can't hurt to try.
*sp346: Part of what attracted him to me is that we have similar values. He is not the one night stand kinda guy. He even views that night as a mistake. It was completely out of character for him to end up with that woman. That was largely the reason that he had 'problems' that night. Most would think it was the alcohol but trust me that has never been an issue any other time,lol. But I do agree with you that I had no claims to him that night but it still hurt me. After our first few dates he made it very public that we were a couple so that gave me a big boost and helped me to trust him more.
*Ahryin: Thanks for your comments, I don't view them mean, just truthful like you said. I am going to revisit the counselling thing as I mentioned previously. I need to remind myself that I am above this drama and that her actions were out of desperation and didn't work anyways. She was watching us like a hawk that night at the bar and my guess is initiated the whole spending the night thing as a last ditch attempt to get bf's attention.
Anyways thanks again to all of you for your responses. It has given me much to think about and helped me to gain a bit more perspective on my reactions. A man this good doesn't come along often and I am aware of this. This is MY issue not his but being the wonderful person he is, he has been patient and reassuring. I have figured out that my baggage influences me more than I thought previously so will be seeing a counsellor soon. I will keep you posted...