[guyfawkes11]

Hi, I stumbled a cross this site awhile ago but it wasn't until now that I decided to join in hopes I can get some good advice, this is going to be long story because its probably the only way to understand my situation, its a sad pathetic story but I am hoping things can change and can start having a life.

So here is the deal, I am 21year old male, with 0friends currently in my life, and I have never even kissed a girl in my life, I am the definition of pathetic. For the most part, I would say I am normal guy, I love sports like the average guy, I am not a geek at all like most of you are probably picturing, and I would say I am average looking guy, I am not over weight or anything, actually, I would consider myself pretty athletic.

My main problem is that I am extremely shy and I know the easy thing to say is just dont be shy, but its very difficult for me. When I was younger I used have close group of friends, and I never had problems socializing when I was with them, safety by numbers, but I eventually lost all of them when my mom lost her job and we started moving, a lot, and I have never been able to make friends since. When I meet new people I come across as awkward and stiff like, just because I am not comfortable, so I never make a good 1st impressions, and on top of that, I have no stories to share, because I have no friends, so I have no life. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think, but I do, so I am always second guessing everything, my actions and words, so I am never natural in my delivery.

I come from a Muslim family/culture, however I don't practice the religion now and I have spent my whole life in the usa, and I just don't relate with the culture at all, so its also like I don't have a so called group that I belong to. My family wasn't a strict Muslim family, My mom hardly ever prayed, she was very liberal in terms of muslims go , but we did follow the basics, no alcohol, no pork, etc. (I still don't eat pork though I don't follow the religion, for some reason I find it hard to eat pork) even though we weren't strict muslim family compared to others, my mom was strict about girls, I was to stay away from them at all times, so it was always hard for me to interact with them because I knew I couldn't hangout with them at my place or anything. So I feel like I missed out on the whole experimenting phase and what not, like I act like a teenager, like blushing when being around a girl what not, though its not that bad,I am just uncomfortable around girls, the phase all guys go through growing up but eventually grow out, I just missed out on that phase, and its just completely awkward now where back at that age it would have been cute.

I think I have covered most of my situation, so yeah, as you can tell, I am pretty pathetic. Was hoping that you ladies can help me at least make friends without having to go to a bar alone or anything like that, like I said, I am ultra shy. I feel like if I can make close friends that my life would million times better, as I would feel more comfortable socializing with them around (safety in numbers) I just don't know how I go about that, so any advice would be welcomed

Thanks for reading this,hope I didn't waste your time

[jns]

I think you need to get a few guy friends to begin with. Maybe they won't be great role models, but you will be able to see how they interact with men. At 21 are you still in college or just out of it? College is a good place to meet people. You can join various clubs and social organizations. You can volunteer. What are you into as far as academics and sports?

[guyfawkes11]

I love all sports pretty much, top 2 are basketball and football, I am currently i college, I always end up with random roommates who I don't relate to at all, even when I make an effort, for some reason I always get stuck with the geeky play online game types, and its just not my thing, I guess those would be the only type of people who sign up for random roommates, I just got extremly unlucky my freshman year and ended up being in an all male dorm hall, only 5students who didn't sign up to be there ended up being there, and I go to large school, but of course I am that unlucky. So it was hard to make friends then when everyone was trying to make friends, now every time sign up for housing, they set me up with other so called losers, and in terms of clubs, I have looked them up, and there is nothing that interests me to be honest, they are all academic, and I am not that type of person, I used to go to the gym and play basketball a lot in hopes I can make friends, but I just end up never talking to the people I play a game with, I just don't know how continue a relationship after playing a game or 2 of basketball without seeming pushy

[shoshannah]

Hi,

First, don't feel pathetic. I'm shy too, and I was also a late bloomer.

Do you have any hobbies or special interests? if so, if there a community or group of people within socializing distance of you? If you share some common interests with people, it helps break the ice. If it helps, try to think of any girls in the group as people who share your interests and relate to them just on that level. We don't bite, I promise. :-)

As to being a virgin, here are some things to think of. 1) People aren't going to know whether or not you're a virgin just by looking at you. This is something private that you don't have to share if you don't want to. 2) Women don't look down on guys who are virgins. At least I don't. My boyfriend was a virgin until he and I started dating and I never thought anything about it. There has to be a first time for everybody. If anything I thought it very sweet and special that he gave his virginity to me. Even in the unlikely event we break up, I will always be his first. 3) Once you get to know a woman and start to become close to her, you may find that you aren't as worried discussing it with her. One nice thing about being in love is that you are comfortable with that person. So try not to worry in advance.

And don't be afraid that you will be a bad lover or don't know what to do. When the time comes, a lot of it will come naturally, and the rest will get better with practice. My boyfriend and I have both gotten better with experience, but even when things are physically awkward, I just enjoy being close to him and the general experience of sex. Just communicate with your girlfriend and make sure she knows to tell you if you are causing her any discomfort. That is the only thing that you need to be careful about.

I hope that helps. :-)

[jns]

Maybe they won't be great role models, but you will be able to see how they interact with men.

This had a typo. It was supposed to be: "Maybe they won't be great role models, but you will be able to see how they interact with women."

Basketball is a good start. How about swimming? Weightlifting? Running? Bicycling? Any individual sport that people gather in a place to do or is more fun done in a group is a good one to try. If you seem dedicated, sooner or later someone will talk to you even if you don't start the conversation.

In college I met a lot of people taking beginning skiing classes starting in my junior year. I knew no one in the Ski Club at that time. But it was open to all who wanted to join. Then I helped out with the ski club and met some more people. By senior year I was skiing with a bunch of friends. I also had friends that liked to play Bridge. We would play it while we waited in line for first run movies that played on campus every Friday night. Once in a while we would end up playing bridge all night. None of my friends were popular, but we struck up friendships anyway.

[Hugo-B]

I'm late for work. OP, if you return to this thread - on top of the advice you have received above - I/we will be able to help you, do not despair.

[ItsASecret]

First off do not think of yourself as pathetic, personally I think of you as not the "typical guy" which to me is a good thing. Btw "typical guy" meaning the college guy who wants to hump any drunk girl he can find at a party or bar or brag about being some stud because of an inflated ego at that age...I am 23 and as a recent female University graduate I can say that type of guy at your/our age is just too common. I can say I know what it is like to have no friends though, I personally have none outside of my bf. I know that is not exactly like your situation but without him I literally have no one, in the 5 years I spent in University I never developed a friendship with people that I see outside of class. Sure I would talk to people about an upcoming assignment or ask if I could borrow their notes but that is just an academic acquaintance not the type of friends I knew enough to go see a movie with or anything so yeah even if my bf and I never got into a relationship I would have never developed a friendship anyway so I know what it is like to have no one. I am also sort of socially awkward with nothing really to talk about and have a hard time continuing any conversation...hence the lack of friends. Just know you are not alone and you are not pathetic.

I would have to side with jns on finding some male friends though and I definitely agree that they may not be the best role models but you can at least get out there and hang out doing stuff with them. Be very careful with moral judgement around certain college guys though, be sure to know that if you are not the type to hit up parties and sleep with random drunk girls (like so many college guys will say you should be doing) then simply do not partake in such behaviors but instead hang out with them if they say they are going to watch the football game at one of the guy's house for example.

A good start though is to find activities you are most comfortable with, do not make yourself into something you are not because girls will not like that fake side of you. You are quite interested in sports which is great, keep joining games and if even if it makes you feel a bit weird at first ask if any of the guys know of other good groups to join. You could even keep going to the same time slot games at the gym if that is how the basketball games work there and maybe there will be someone there that also keeps showing up and you can at least have that familiarity to jump start a conversation like "hey hows it going?". Entering a group of people you do not know is difficult, but joining a reoccurring group can help at least ease the awkwardness of talking to random new people. Another thing I noticed a lot in other people, which never happened to me personally because I am simply not social, is in school having to go to the lab component courses would basically force you to interact with other lab members. I am not sure if you have lab components to your courses but if you do take advantage of that essential forcing of getting to know a lab partner. It can be as simple as asking to meet for a coffee to go over a project with your lab partner/group or maybe go over some notes before a lab exam. A lot of simple meetings like that end up in people just talking to each other about themselves and that is when you could mention your like for basketball and football which could result in going to see a game at the local pub and so on.

[guyfawkes11]

Some times I feel like I was born the wrong gender, just because I always feel like I play this mother role with people(probably why I am so good with kids), always caring for their best interest over mine, and I feel like I am too sensitive and not "man enough". I am very competitive only when comes to playing sports, but I always rely on my brain and athletic ability and not like try to over power people. Like in basketball, my best quality is my passing ability, and I think that has to do with me trying to please everyone and not have anyone being mad at me for shooting/hogging the ball. So over time I have became a very good passer. I have tried to get rid of my sensitivity issue that I have but I always go back to putting others before me, like being a mother. I always see that girls like sensitive guys but I think I just come across as a sissy. And as for finding friends who might not be the best of role models, those type of people would never accept me anyways. And as for basketball and stuff, I have stopped going to gym awhile back, I have gotten more and more antisocial as time has gone by, that now I don't even play basketball anymore, I deleted my facebook awhile back because it just me depressed every time I went on it, and besides, it wasn't like those people were actually my friends,not like any of them would talk to me on there. I am just sick of everything my life....as time goes by the more I feel like my situation is hopeless, I mean there has to be losers in the world, how else will there be winners...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm with IAS.

You are not pathetic, sheez.

And, I bet your inner-self is not as shy as you think either.

Why? Because you joined a gym, because you played basket-ball, because you are aware of the "type" of friends you are after and not geeks/computer nerds.

You know how and why it's happened, moving, moving, moving.. So you have reason, understanding and now acknowledgement.

You start with one sentence.

ie) Gym, a guy does a good weight, "nice move, that will be me hopefully in 6 months". Next time you see him, say hi and keep walking. Next time you see him, ask how long he's been training for.

It starts in-other-words with one sentence..

By not speaking, you are looked upon a a nerd. Therefore, people won't speak back.

Make male friends from the guy, from basketball any thing else you can join and then start going out.

What are your hobbies? Can you join somewhere where they are involving both male and female?

PS: I merged the other posters onto this thread from the multiple threads you started on the same subject and have closed those...

[oxy-moron]

You could try working on self improvement.
This will also improve confidence over time.
Go to the gym to improve you body- Make yourself appear more manly- Some neatly groomed facial hair is a good place to start.
Learn to smile more.
Do some research on body language. Women will communicate interest through eye contact and body language. If you cant read the body language they send out you are at huge disadvantage.
There are a lot of helpful how to segments on Youtube- mostly placed by females on what signs to look for.
Women do the picking and will subconsciously and consciously let you know if they find you attractive.
It is your job to pick up on these signals and approach the ones that you like. Even if is a quick smile or a hello to start with.

Small steps with gradual improvement will get you there.