[Element]

Everyone has different interests. You automatically label people who like to play video games as "losers" and automatically assume you have nothing in common. There's more to a person than just one hobby. Try getting to know all of one person before writing them off and going off to sulk in a corner because you haven't found a friend.

Everyone is giving you sound advice for you to take and follow. If you see through what they're telling you, you're bound to start making friends. A friendship is developed over time, it doesn't happen in one conversation. So use some patience.

[Hugo-B]

OP, as you can see above women are surprisingly generous when it comes to helping men make themselves more attractive to women :-)

[Hugo-B]

Right.

Firstly you're not far behind me in the girls thing, I didn't do more than kiss a girl until I was 19, some people are just late bloomers, and sometimes the brightest stars burn out the fastest, don't forget that. I know of plenty of bright stars who have burned out way before their time. You're in a stronger position than you think, you don't have any major character defects which need remedying, it sounds like you just have a touch of 'Mr. Nice Guy people pleaser' mixed in with a touch of low confidence which has resulted in your self esteem taking a beating. Your culture has also likely impacted your attitude towards sex and women (your mum telling you to keep away from girls etc, mine was similar). All of this is very correctable, you remind me of myself when I was younger.

You have received very good advice so far in this read, as has been said several times, and at the risk of repetition, you are not a loser, and you are not pathetic, you need to stop believing you are or you may well become so. A 21 year old who has not kissed a girl is not pathetic; a man who gets drunk and takes his anger at life out on his family via the medium of some kind of abuse is pathetic.

The next step is for us to format the advice you have received into a user friendly and structured program. I actually did all of this off of 'my own back' and it took me a lot longer than it should have because I wasted so much time through trial and error and reading junk which was of no use to me.

If you're interested - and you'll always be welcome here to ask for advice (so long as you abide by the forum rules) - we can start addressing things and working though things step by step at a pace you're comfortable with. Just remember though, life starts where your confront zone ends, I can't promise you success, but I can promise you failure unless you're determined to effect changes in your life, and the changes that make you the most uncomfortable are the ones that make the biggest differences.

[Hugo-B]

One other thing I meant to add:

You mentioned something I've heard before; you brought up these clubs/groups (not sure exactly what you call them in the USA) which were either all academic or sporty, I can't remember which. You chose not to join because you lack interest in those particular subjects and thus concluded you would have nothing in common with the people. Big mistake. You simply can't judge someone based on one interest, it may not even be an interest, they could be putting in extra work on a subject they hate but are struggling with. An interest in one subject doesn't define someone.

You need to start - and this goes for anyone who has trouble interacting socially and making friends - taking AN ACTIVE INTEREST IN PEOPLE. Most people have something interesting to say about themselves if you give them the chance, we love talking about ourselves, people love sharing their experiences, asking people open questions about themselves makes them feel special, and encourages them to talk back to you. Sharing personal experiences with people encourages people to open up to you. I'm quite a big guy now, and I fond people treat me slightly differently to when I was smaller, one ice breaker I like to use is when people ask me if I play rugby I just reply, 'no, I just play with myself'. This lets people know I don't take myself too seriously and I can have a laugh at my own expense - which are both true. Sincere compliments work well too, although insincere ones are just as bad - if not worse - than insults.

You need to learn not to judge a book by its cover, you can't jump to the conclusion that you'll have no chance of having anything in common with anyone in the math club because math isn't your favorite subject, I'll bet most of the people there are only there to try and secure good grades so they can get into a particular college. I think - barring total A-holes - we can learn something from everyone, or at least hear something of interest or value from them, we, as people tend to be social creatures and can usually interact amiably.

Please think about this, I'm not saying don;t exercise common sense but on the other hand do not dismiss someone just because they are a member of a club which practices something you have little or no interest in.

[DreamP346]

I am a fairly socially awkard person. Total geeky nerd. But part of life is learning to adapt. Its taking the risks and putting yourself out there. Part of your education will be learning the social skills to interact with people. You don't have to become buddy buddy with everybody, but you will have to learn to superficially be friendly with people. Keep going to activities even if you don't really like that so you can maintain social interactions with people.

In terms of meeting friends and women, these days the internet is a great place to start. Get your facebook acount back up. There are some people these days who exclusively interact via FB. Next time you chat with a person in class or an activity, FB friend them. People love having a large number of "friends" on FB and will accept a friend request from almost anybody. Don't wait for them to write on your wall. Next time they post a remark or upload a link, make a comment. That's how you get the converstation started. I have a bunch of FB friends that I have only met twice in my life and talked with once. But we interact a lot on facebook.

Sign up for online dating. There are tons of women just like you out there asking them the same question. If you make a good person to talk to, then you will do really well chatting a woman up online.

Figure yourself out. Maybe the reason you don't have friends is because you haven't found like minded people. For me, in life, I am a totally "normal" person. I dress fashionable, work in corporate America, live in the suburbs with a husband and kids and have BBQs on labor day weekend with my middle class neighbours. But they are not my friends. The people I call my friends are a bunch of weird, social misfits. They are nothing like me, but I enjoy their company a lot better than my "normal" colleagues and neighbours. Although I have hung out with the cool people, all my long term friends are my weirdo's that are a lot more interesting. Give the uncool people a chance. Don't write them off just because they are socially awkward as well.

[Hugo-B]

^^^That last paragraph made me LOL x

[guyfawkes11]

hey guys, just wanted to give a quick update since my last post, so over the fall semester I developed a good relationship with a few guys, and we are getting a house together for next school year, so I have made a lot of progress on the friend end. considering where I was before. The guys are cool and all, but they aren't much help with female end of things. They are similar to me I would say, where they are on the shy side, but are down to earth guys when you get to know them. However they have all had girlfriends and what not over the years, but since meeting them we have never really met any girls, not that we really have tried, but none of us seem to have the balls to go out and talk to girls. Our neighbors who are girls talked with us earlier in the school year, and than we invited them to a bonfire we wanted to set up at the beach, but they said they had plans and what not, things have been awkward with them since then. So my question is how do we make friends with girls, I like the guys who I hang out with, but I feel like we need some girls in the group, not for anything sexual or anything, just thing would be better for us if we knew girls. So what are our options here? we aren't exactly the going to the nightclub and picking up chicks type of people. I don't discuss this openly with the guys I hangout with or anything, but I was hoping I can get some suggestion for what are some things we can do and I can hint at doing those things with my friends. The guys do have friends who are girls, but they are all from their hometown which is like a 5hr drive and its a small town. Those are the only girls they talk to, but I have never met them, and they have only seen them once during this school year for Christmas break. So its probably best if we meet new people here where we currently stay.

btw, thanks for the advice from before, I really do enjoy this community

[Harmony]

I'm on my tablet which I hate typing on, I'll type a proper response tomorrow. Do not despair, you're going to have a GF soon ;-)

[lcj14]

I think part of what you need to consider for meeting girls is actually going out there and trying to introduce yourself to girls that you come across. I am shy, too, so I know how hard it can be to try to approach people. Although weirdly I have never been shy toward men. I have significantly more guy friends than I do girl friends. Don't worry about if you are shy, though. Some girls find that really attractive. One thing that initially really attracted me to my current boyfriend (who I've been with for five years) is that I could tell he was really shy and awkward, but he still put himself out there to talk to me even though it made him uneasy. Not all girls want some "manly man" who is super dominant.
Hope this helps! Would write a longer response but I have to get to class!