[Sheza]

Hi,
A year ago my boyfriend of 3 years and I bought a house together with the financial help of my mum. I have a son and a house with my ex partner already so my mum was very nervous about lending money to me because of me splitting with my ex and she asked me to be so sure that this was right for me and my son - which I completely was.
In Dec last year my mum suddenly passed away and I took it badly.
In February my boyfriend and I talked about trying for a baby in the coming year and we decided that is something that we would both like and hoped it would come through normal living - not necessarily trying! In hind sight I think I was grieving and I'm not altogether sure that either of us were completely ready.
We also started partying quite a lot a couple of weekends a month and under the influence of alcohol we had a few sexual encounters with another couple on one occasion and a couple of other occasions with a guy friend and another couple with a girl friend. They were fun and safe. However, during the period of these encounters my boyfriend had been a little bit sneaky and I'd caught him kissing the girl on 3 different times. I had told him in no uncertain terms on the first time what the boundaries were and never to do anything when I wasnt around. He said he was sorry and understood but still it happened on 2 other occasions. I was devastated and we argued and talked a lot. He moved out for a while but I was so riddled with guilt about the promise that I had made to my mum and was sad for my little boy that he was not seeing my boyfriends family that he loves, he came home.
Things improved and we went out one evening - just the 2 of us to a gig. I was happier than I'd been for a long time until later that evening when I caught him having a kiss with one of the girls from a group of people we'd met. I let it go for the evening but the next couple of days I caught him chatting to her on Facebook. I was livid and again he moved out.
After a week he came home again as he was so devastated and sorry and I completely believe him.
Since then, nothing has been the same. I'm so angry and we argue all the time. He has been moved out again for 3 weeks. I keep saying for him to move back but then the thought of him coming home angers me to the core. I haven't really missed him as I am always so busy. But he is besides himself with guilt and I believe he would never hurt me ever again. I don't think I can get over the anger I feel towards him that during a time that I needed him most he was dis-loyal over and over again, didn't take me seriously and listen to me. But likewise I can't picture my life without him, I can't bear the guilt of not being able to keep the promise I made to my mum and also taking my son's extended family away from him that he is so close to, especially since his granny died. Sorry for the long story but any help would be grateful. Thank you x

[Hugo-B]

I am sorry to hear about you losing your mum. The promise you made to her was made sincerely, breaking it because circumstances have changed with your BF does not mean you are deviating from the promise you made due to deceit, if anything you have kept your half of the bargain and your BF has reneged on the agreement made between the two of you to your mum. I'd bet dollars for doughnuts your mum wouldn't have insisted you keep the promise if it meant you living with a man who disrespects you like this - repeatedly, would she? I know she's not here to ask, which is likely why you feel so bad, but if anything what she'd want the most is for you to be happy whilst providing a loving and secure home for your son.

Hopefully the house is in your name and the money from your mum has been apportioned to your share?

After so many 'repeat' offenses, I wouldn't trust your BF again, sorry but to me - based on what I've read - it is that prosaic. If anything the best he could probably do is repress his urge to cheat so the two of you can be together, and that is no ground for a relationship. I'm not sure what he was like before the threesomes? Perhaps the novelty of sleeping with other people is what made him go off the rails?

[Sheza]

Hi buddhaboy. Thank you for your reply. Before the threesomes he was kind and generous and worked very hard at a relationship with my son too. He is 8 years younger than me and initially found it hard to come in to my already functioning family. But he stuck at it and has a great relationship with my son now. He says that he was confused by the fun we had with other people and also took the death of my mum quite hard and I was very difficult initially. He says that the whole time that he was being sneaky he felt like a different person and feels very different know. He is not coping with the guilt very well at all at the moment and desperately wants to be back with me. I however, feel that I'm not sure that I've firstly got enough fight in me to keep trying to make it work and over the las few months have fallen out of love with him somewhat. I do still love him, just not like I used too. Should I work at getting that back? Thank you for your reply - you're very kind xx

[Claret]

What is it Dr. Phil says, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". If you take him back yet again, you will only go through this yet again. What are you teaching your little one? That it's OK to have a revolving door Dad? Think of your child, he is the one that needs the stable environment and you are the one that should be providing it. Your boyfriend will be OK all by himself or with any number of those ladies? he's kissed. He is an adult.
As buddhaboy said, I hope your share (your late Mother's share) is protected, if not for you then for your son once again.
I'm sorry about your Mother's passing. Promises you made to her were made in the moment when things looked good for you. You do not have to be held to a promise that will hurt you or your son either financially or emotionally.
Let us know what you decide to do, perhaps then we could help you with the decisions you need to make.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, you bring others into the picture, remember he is alot younger than you, it's enticing, being younger it's natural in a way he's not as mature that he would stay in that "mode".

If he is saying he loves you and sorry, I tend to believe him..

You opened those doors and he liked it but I believe that he finds you fascinating just you have to quit with the swapping... Until he is old enough to accept the boundries.

I am so sorry about your Mother... And yes, that always plays a part with things.. You want to know in your heart you have done good by her, stop the others entering your life and try it one on one and see how it goes.