[secret0524]

As a college freshman I have been meeting lot of new friends but for some reason, lot of the friendships I built are mostly with guys.
There is a college senior I just met last week. I admit he is actually really cute and kind but last night, that particular word bothered me....

We first talked when I found that he was hosting the welcome party (which basically turned out to be a fraternity parties) for the freshman and I was trying to address my concern towards pressure to drink. He was really nice and assured that he'll make sure it won't happen and that i just had to give him a signal if it did.

At the party, I told him I didnt want to drink and he offered me free shots that they usually charged... But realized later I was the girl refusing to drink and sending the concern message. He didn't remember how I looked like but he was fairly curious I guess because he said "Itd be fairly creepy if i asked to meet you at 10 pm".

From then, we started talking more often and he was like a mentor to me about the college... He offered me rides around the huge campus and home from the frat parties at night. Also I learned a lot about college survival from him. But yesterday.... He was saying things like we would get along really well, we should hang more often to balance out the study and social life, and the words "i like you".

I am sure he meant to say that last word as friends but because of my quite a few experiences with creepy guys pursuing me, I have a hard time getting over it and believing that he just wants to be friends. I have a question: Are there actually guys whom I can trust??? I have a hard time with this lately that I am surveillancing myself if I am alone with one...

[Hugo-B]

Yes, there are guys you can trust, but trust must be earned and it is always best to err on the side of caution as opposed to taking a risk. I'm not saying live in constant fear of men, but take sensible precautions.

Men are men, they will all - at least from time to time - be governed by the thoughts that take place in their little heads, and not their big heads.

Re this guy you met: It sound like he is trying to mix business with pleasure and exploit his role as a senior by taking you under his wing and singling you out as the girl he wants to hook up with. This is kind of a compliment since he's probably met a lot of girls. Him asking you out isn't wrong per se', neither is him inviting you to a party or asking you to join in the fun. If you're not comfortable going to these parties and getting wasted then I would stay away form them, they're probably not much fun without alcohol and from what I've heard getting wasted is the objective of nearly everyone there. There is no shame in not participating in that kind of thing, I used to be a teenager, and if any of the guys there act as stupid as I did when I was drunk at that age then you wont be missing out on much.

It sounds like he just made a bit of a clumsy, drunken pass at you, and was hoping you'd come to the party, get drunk and jump into bed with him. You exercised your judgement (correctly, I'd say) and refused. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It also sounds like he's in the 'friendship zone' with you and is trying to ask you out (hence the clumsy drunken pass) or at least gauge your interest before he attempts to sober.

If you don't feel safe with this guy alone, then don't spend time alone with him, simple. At least until he's earned your trust anyway. I'm guessing you have female friends? Make a deal with them where when you go out you all make sure that you don't go home without anyone, something like that.

It may just be that you need to place this senior guy firmly into the 'friendship zone' under no uncertain terms, if he's not a complete douche he should understand and take it on the chin and be happy to stay friends.

As for judging a man's character, if he's serious about you he'll be happy to wait for sex, and will not attempt to coerce or push you into ANYTHING, and his actions will be consistent with his words. Any deviation form this then consider it a red flag! If you ignore the rest of this post then please just remember to remember this final paragraph.

In short: read last paragraph and implement it;
remember men can't help wanting sex all the time, but they should always be prepared to have it under your terms and conditions and not apply any pressure (see final paragraph);
Men usually act like tools when intoxicated and younger men (often) think it's clever getting drunk, and that they act clever when they are drunk, and act even stupider in front of their friends.

Good luck, we're not all bad though, but remember trust has to be earned :-)

[secret0524]

Hi buddhaboy (:
Thanks for the tip! I feel that my security with guys must be increased from now on because I am starting to notice that i can no longer be naïve and carefree as I had been with my guy friends.

And hook up? Seems like hooking up or finding a relationship is quite into some guys Ive seen in my campus.... Sigh.... Other than that guy, I've been asked to go over to a frat party alone at 2 am, asked out on a date I didnt know about, and asked if this one other guy could come sleepover at my apartment. But this guy was the bartender at the party so hmmm yeah idk if he was able to distribute drinks if he were in that state though but I did wear makeup so maybe He couldnt have recognized me??

And having the lady friend thing sounds like a good idea that I should try in these situations... After all my main reason to go to these parties is that i stay sober and protect my friends from possible harm or predator.

I shall keep the last paragraph and advice in mind... My first two weeks here, Im already finding this crucial!

[Hugo-B]

I wouldn't worry too much, like I said though, just be carful.

Re the bartender, he may just have had a few too many drinks and not recognized you due to the lighting and/or because yo had make-up on. I'm terrible at remembering names and faces, until I've met someone a few times. This bartender probably met hundreds of people that night, so don't panic or take offense.

Also bare in mind, most men are not predatory, of course some are dangerous and you should ALWAYS listen to your gut instincts. I spoke to an attorney the other day and he said most 'incidents' on campus are alcohol related and to do with consent being retrospectively withdrawn due to intoxication, so staying away from these boozy parties sounds like your best bet, like I said, no shame in not being into that kind of thing.

You've only been here two weeks, I can imagine how daunting it must be for you, I'm sure after a few more you'll have found a nice group of friends you'll feel much more at home with, so keep your head up and you'll be fine. As long as you don't do careless things like wander round campus alone in the dark (common sense really) I'm sure you'll be fine.

Most of all, ENJOY yourself, and that doesn't have to mean getting smashed every night, even if you don't realize it right now, these will be some of the best years of your life, so make the most of them! :-)