[DGuy]

Hello Everyone,

I have been struggling with this issue for a long long time, I have looked all over the internet for a problem similar but could not find one so I thought I would ask here for a womens perspective.

I am 28yrs old I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years. We were friends for 2 years prior to getting together as I was not ready to be in a relationship due to my previous relationship ending due to my girlfriend cheating with a good friend. when I was ready we began dating, and we got an apartment together 8 months into the relationship. She is a Mental Health and Addictions worker, working towards a career in nursing which makes my issue more purplexing.

My girlfriend will not under any circumstance see a doctor. As the relationship progressed I have noticed her getting worse, her mental and physical state are in decline. She is chronically anxious to the point of total break down, she has extreme self-esteem issues (she is a bigger girl but beautiful to me) and is very unfocused with a short temper. She will not even see a dentist.

I have expressed my concern, offered to go with her but she will always come up with an excuse as to why she cannot or will not see a doctor.

She explains that she does not have a family doctor and will not see a clinic doctor, that she was diagnosed with a brain lesion as a child preventing her from taking medication (I did manage to convince her to see a neuroglist when we were friends to get a second opinion on her lesion and he said she is fine to take medication provided it did not include and anti-inflamitory agents) She will often say "I'm fine" and quickly change the subject.

I'll admit as a typical man I was unwilling to go to the Doctors as well and as a result had a number of health issues and tried the tactic that if I went to get myself better as a favour to her she would be more open to going for me -- Nope didn't work.

She did have a troubled childhood due to abuse from her mother whom she is now estranged.

I don't know what to do, this issue has put a strain on our relationship as her, I love this girl and want to be with her, I am attracted to her but its getting hard for me to want to commit long term (ie marriage) to a woman unwilling to take care of herself.

I hope I don't sound too insensitive I have tried everything I can think of.

Please help.

[rcoreyus]

You are dating but you are not in a permanent relationship or a marriage. You have no moral obligation to stay and deal with her problems, especially if she is not willing to seek help.

[DGuy]

You are dating but you are not in a permanent relationship or a marriage. You have no moral obligation to stay and deal with her problems, especially if she is not willing to seek help.

I understand, I want this relationship to move forward and I am at that point where emotionally I am ready just need the finances to catch up.

I just feel that if this continues it would destroy the relationship. She is extremely defensive so her shields go up immediately as soon as I attempt to discuss it with her.

Believe me I am not looking for an out in this relationship its something I want to work though

Any thoughts ?

[kittehs]

I'm also one of those people who refuses to go to the doctor unless there is something seriously wrong with me. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive and to this day I find it very hard to trust people, especially those who need to make physical contact (doctors, dentists, chiropractors, etc). All of my experiences with doctors have been negative and I honestly feel it is a waste of time and money going to one unless I'm severely injured/ill. I'm against taking pills unless it's absolutely necessary and it seems like that's all doctors want you to do anymore.
Maybe your gf has had similar experiences? She may also be afraid of receiving bad news at the doctor's office (like hearing she has a tumor or diabetes, for example). Instead of pushing her to see a doctor maybe you could try helping her to make healthier decisions like eating right and exercising. Not only will she start to feel better about herself but doing something like going for a walk or making dinner together will be a great time for you two to talk. If you can join her in making healthier choices maybe she'll decide to get a routine checkup, but don't pressure her. Hope this helps

[DGuy]

I'm also one of those people who refuses to go to the doctor unless there is something seriously wrong with me. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive and to this day I find it very hard to trust people, especially those who need to make physical contact (doctors, dentists, chiropractors, etc). All of my experiences with doctors have been negative and I honestly feel it is a waste of time and money going to one unless I'm severely injured/ill. I'm against taking pills unless it's absolutely necessary and it seems like that's all doctors want you to do anymore.
Maybe your gf has had similar experiences? She may also be afraid of receiving bad news at the doctor's office (like hearing she has a tumor or diabetes, for example). Instead of pushing her to see a doctor maybe you could try helping her to make healthier decisions like eating right and exercising. Not only will she start to feel better about herself but doing something like going for a walk or making dinner together will be a great time for you two to talk. If you can join her in making healthier choices maybe she'll decide to get a routine checkup, but don't pressure her. Hope this helps

That is definately helpful, I am not a pressuring type and when I have asked her she said I never made her feel she was pressured. I have been moving my life in a healthy direction for over two months hoping she will follow suit but she is resistant to change. She is supportive and helps me with my new goals and I have hinted that doing it together would be a great motivator but no dice. The dentist thing is a big thing for me, we have great health benefits, dental care and money cannot be the reason she will not go. I hate dentists so much its scary but I understand that unless you want to wear dentures that at least a yearly cleaning is necessary for good oral hygene. Her teeth have started to yellow noticably to the point where people have brought it up to me in private. she does not smoke or drink coffee but it is beginning to be unattractive which affects our sex life as a result. I have not directly brough it up to her as she is extremely defensive, and her self esteem is rock bottom so telling her will again send her into a spirial.


She has told me she indeed did have bad experiences with both doctors and dentists and does not want to be told her weight is the cause of her physical health problems but in Canada healthcare is paid for to an extent so again money is not the obsticle.

Her anxiety issues are my main point of concern, she breaks down daily becoming fustirated, inconsolable, irritable. These panic attacks can affect her heart, coupled with her weight and likely high blood pressure we are talking about heart disease possibly a heart attack. I do not want to lose this girl but I know our relationship will not survive if she does not take the steps to take care of herself.

I feel I have been passive for close to 4 years..

[DreamP346]

Maybe you can start slowly. Maybe she would be open to going to a support group. Then a psychologists (somebody who won't have physical contact).

I also think its time to be honest. Not say things like "your yellow teeth are a turn off" but more like "i want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I need to be with some body who takes care of themselves so they can actually be here for many years and we can grow old together."

[DGuy]

Maybe you can start slowly. Maybe she would be open to going to a support group. Then a psychologists (somebody who won't have physical contact).

I also think its time to be honest. Not say things like "your yellow teeth are a turn off" but more like "i want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I need to be with some body who takes care of themselves so they can actually be here for many years and we can grow old together."

Thanks for the input, I have tried that as well. I hope my delimma is coming into view I have tried it all and not made any progress. Being in the mental health industry with goals of becoming a nurse you would think her education would tell her how valuable proper health care can be. But she will not see do any groups of therapy sessions due to her training. Its not that she doesn't believe in it but she knows the methods professionals use to help clients and as a result is unable to disconnect from her education to listen to help.

I have tried to be supportive, told her I wanted to be with her forever but I am concerned about her health, I want to make sure she is with me forever and she replies with the same response "I will be, I am fine". I have told her I need to be with someone who takes care of themselves and she got really mad at me told me "I guess I am just a horrible girlfriend, who doesn't take care of myself. Maybe you should leave me and find someone more suited for you"

I am lost, I greatly appreciate the help and the advice from but I am at my end I have tried most everything I can think of.

[kittehs]

That is definately helpful, I am not a pressuring type and when I have asked her she said I never made her feel she was pressured. I have been moving my life in a healthy direction for over two months hoping she will follow suit but she is resistant to change. She is supportive and helps me with my new goals and I have hinted that doing it together would be a great motivator but no dice. The dentist thing is a big thing for me, we have great health benefits, dental care and money cannot be the reason she will not go. I hate dentists so much its scary but I understand that unless you want to wear dentures that at least a yearly cleaning is necessary for good oral hygene. Her teeth have started to yellow noticably to the point where people have brought it up to me in private. she does not smoke or drink coffee but it is beginning to be unattractive which affects our sex life as a result. I have not directly brough it up to her as she is extremely defensive, and her self esteem is rock bottom so telling her will again send her into a spirial.


She has told me she indeed did have bad experiences with both doctors and dentists and does not want to be told her weight is the cause of her physical health problems but in Canada healthcare is paid for to an extent so again money is not the obsticle.

Her anxiety issues are my main point of concern, she breaks down daily becoming fustirated, inconsolable, irritable. These panic attacks can affect her heart, coupled with her weight and likely high blood pressure we are talking about heart disease possibly a heart attack. I do not want to lose this girl but I know our relationship will not survive if she does not take the steps to take care of herself.

I feel I have been passive for close to 4 years..

Ahh, unfortunately it sounds like you've done about all you can do. It will probably take an emergency to get her to a doctor/dentist if her health is that bad now. If she's unwilling to make healthy changes like you have started doing, it may be time to call it quits...good luck in whatever you decide to do.