[katzintheclouds]

It's been quite a while since I had the chance to come back to the forum, lots of stuff has changed. Despite the progress I felt me & my BF had been making, I'm sad to say that I'm really on the fence of whether or not this is all worth it. We have quite a complicated past, we've been together almost 6 years over a very specific growing period from my early to later twenties. Lots of things change during those years anyway & that is very true for me. We broke up two years into it for about 6 months & sadly the majority of the feelings I was feeling then are similar to those I'm feeling now which makes me feel like things have not changed at all despite any disguise. The bottom line seems to be this: he's afraid of commitment, doesn't want to grow up & is horrible at communication. Now I'm not an expert by any means in relationships & I know I have a lot of problems with communication as well which is something that def. doesn't help the situation. But the biggest problem with me right now is that I'm 27 & no matter what I do, I can't lie that by now I always thought I'd be much further with someone, or more specifically with him. For the longest time I pushed back that gut feeling that he didn't want marraige or family & told myself that it was just a matter of time, that he just wasn't ready YET. But I feel like after being with me now for almost 6 years, we should know whether or not that's even a possibility. Lately I thought I was a little closer to it all because everyone around us has started to move forward, I've had a lot of health problems that have brought up my desire to have children soon due to my endometriosis & recent lap surgery. But a few days ago after things had felt very tense in the house, I realized why things seemed a little strange lately. WHen I asked him what was going on, he just blurted out how he hates that he feels like everyone is questioning him about marraige, wondering when we'll get married & have kids when he can't deny that he doesn't want that now & isn't sure that he ever will.

That was a big blow to me. A BIG blow. There are a LOT of other problems that swim around & have always clung to us in our relationship but I guess I felt like I could push through them all if the outcome would be the same, if we wanted the same goal & I kept telling myself that it's like this NOW but it wont be like this SOON. This is very painful to realize...

Right now we share an apartment, one we've lived in together for almost 3 years. Before that I lived with him with his family & in all honesty, I've lived with him for the majority of this relaitonship. In a way it feels like it's a divorce. It's much more complicated then before, I can't just pack my stuff & run away to a friends house. We have a house, bills, things all intertwined. It's so scary to even contimplate this all.

Can anyone help me? I'm scrounging for help..

[Ashlee T.]

Society creates ALOT of pressure for us regarding things like marriage and babies. He's no fool. He realizes your age and he realizes that marriage and children are something you want. He's been with you a long time and I'm sure he gets the frequent comments from friends and family of "when are you gonna give that girl a ring!?" Marriage is not a solution to ANY problem. And neither are children. Period.

Here's where it gets complicated. Some people aren't as marriage focused as others. I'm not a big marriage proponent, but when I'm with someone I want it to at least be with someone whom I have those kind of feelings for. In other words, even if I don't want to physically get married, I want to have the kind of love for someone that I'd have to have in order to get married (hypothetically). Based solely on what I've read in your post...it sounds to me like this isn't the right relationship for either of you. You've been together a long time, you're like family, you're comfortable and it is HARD to think about moving on. But if this guy proposes to you, you're going to know it's out of pressure and force, and the issues you have now will only escalate into bigger issues in a marriage. It is most definitely NOT a situation to bring children in to.

Yes...it is kind of like a divorce. It will hurt. It will be painful. But I think you know in your heart of hearts that this isn't right for you. Going through a relationship thinking "if I just hang on it will get better when.....we move in together." "if I just hang on it will get better when.....we get engaged." "if I just hang on it will get better when....we get married." "if I just hang on it will get better when...we have kids." "if I just hang on it will get better when....the kids get grown." Before you know it, you've wished your life away and still haven't gotten the love you long for and deserve.

[katzintheclouds]

Thank you for your response. In a lot of ways I have really had to force myself to realize that I am pushing those thoughts in my head & so far it's travelled that path. When we lived with his mom, I told myself that things would change when we lived together. When we lived together for the first two years, I told myself that things would be better when I got a better job and less pressure would be on us. Then it was when I get out of school but after moving in together, then getting my degree, then getting a good job & making more money...i'm right here again. There are so many emotions running hot in me right now. I'm so angry at him for feeling like this but at the same time i know it's pointless to push against something because even if he decides that he wants to get married, he'll be forcing himself there & that is NOT the reason.

Something that's also important to point out is that during our last conversation about us, we started talking about the fact that we never see each other. Physical components have always been running hot with us, we always had great sex & great physical chemistry. Right now with my job I barely am able to see him so that is pretty much non-existent which I think has a lot to do with this distance too. We aren't getting close physically so it's more obvious that we seem miles apart. When we are together in the time that we do have out the house, we basically aren't even communicating about anything, just sitting there. It's very strange & heartbreaking. But this is what he said the last time we talked..

It was a short convo but he said things like "You deserve better than I treat you sometimes, I don't mean to act that way" or something like that. He also said that he was exhausted by the pressure everywhere around him about marraige, about his mom too because she constantly mentions how much she wished we'd have a baby already. We always laugh it off, but it's getting on his nerves a lot. He said "I don't know if I want that" then he at some point said "I wouldn't want you out of my life though" which to me sounded like he was saying he just wouldn't want to lose me as a friend if we broke up. This confuses me so much I can't even begin to describe it. In a way, I wish that I knew he felt the same way about things in that he thought we'd be better off as friends but I don't think that's possible & I highly doubt that he'd be willing to do it truthfully.

In my heart I hold on to the notion that I know there is someone out there who wants the life that I do, who I can be more compatible with & who will share with me the family I wish to have. Again I must stress that I have to face the realities of my physical self where I struggle with a lot of potential problems that will make it harder & harder for me to conceive a child the longer I wait. I know that sounds like ******** but unless you've been there, I don't think anyone can understand how hard it truly is, especially when faced with the reality that the person you love & want that with, doesn't want it. At what point do you tell yourself that it's just not worth the fight anymore, especially if he blatantly exposes the truth that he probably won't ever be ready for it all?

[DGuy]

I am a guy who does not want marriage or kids. I have been called everything under the sun but its a simple choice for me and not due to my lack of commitment. I know what your boyfriend is going through, he is unsure for so many reasons. I am sure he knows you want and deserve to be married and have a family, he is being pressured by his family as well as friends who move into this phase in their lives. Its hard for someone to come out and make it known they are not interested in what society deems conventional.

When a couple's wants for the future differ as much as yours do there will always be this hardship. You seem to both want very different things, its hard to say for certain if he will ever be the wife and kids type of man, but until he is able to do some soul searching pressure free he will never know for sure. If you are unable to find a common ground, it is clearly time to go your seperate ways. You are both great companions to one another I am sure but staying in this relationship ultimately keeps you both from what you both truly want.

[katzintheclouds]

DGuy thank you for your response. I am aware of the pressure he has on him, I've always thought about it & that is why I've been so understanding up to this point about it all. I've been suppressing those desires & those thoughts because I wanted to believe eventually he would feel the same way & we'd be on the same page. I have to say though that going through this recent hardship, I've been starting to analyze a lot of other things about the relationship & have realized that up til now I've continually had rose colored glasses. There are things I always see but think may change, things that happen because of the current situation or make excuses continouslly that explain a better excuse for something even though it's probably stemming from the exact same thing over & over. I don't think he wants any responsibilities right now in his life on a lot of levels. He has a hard time stepping up to the plate with things in his own life, let alone along the lines of assisting anyone else. It bothers me but I know that's just where he is right now, he's getting there but sometimes I don't understand how he can let things get the way they do. I know he cares about me, I know he loves me & I know that when it comes to this point that it seems like it's inevitably going to, he's going to get very upset & so am I. We've been together for a long time & it's become an everyday part of life. Finding out how to step away from having a plus 1" is going to be exremely difficult for both of us.