[brisvegasbaby]

My man and I have been together for 18 months. We don't live together but live close by so we spend a lot of time together.
I know that it is common for couples to have less sex after a while but this just seems ridiculous. We went from having sex 3-5 times a week to once. He is affectionate, lots of kisses and hugs and hand holding. He tells me that he loves me often. But like I said we rarely have sex anymore and he wont communicate to me about why. We used to have very open dialogue but whenever I ask about sex or his other worries he clams up.
When I ask about sex he gets frustrated and says that he was just too tired and maybe a little depressed because of his job. He also suggested that I have a higher sex drive because I am 5 years younger.
However he watches porn often when I am not there. So I think that the excuse of tired/ depressed is bogus.
I have tried the following- lingerie, nice nighties, dressing up/ costumes, role plays, sexy text messages, dying my hair back to blonde as he prefers it, wearing less make-up because he prefers it, being around less/ spending less time at his house, being spontaneous, asking him to have a shower with me and outright asking what I can do.
Nothing works for very long. Whenever I try to broach the topic he refuses to tell me why we are having less sex and insists there is nothing I can do. After these conversations he initiates sex that night or the next morning/ day. While I am happy to have sex these times and have my desires met, it screams of pity ********** and guilt sex.
I have no idea what to do. This is crushing me, my self esteem is evaporating and it makes me feel unsexy and undesirable. I catch my self in moments of self loathing that I thought I had left in the past, many many years ago...

He had started to play A LOT of video games lately and is rarely interested in going out places with me. If I go and do something and leave him playing video games he gets angry at me. Its like he wants me in the house doing something else while he plays games...

In addition he smokes heaps of weed. I don't smoke at all, when we first got together he smoked a joint every night but that was all. I never said a word about it even though I don't smoke myself. Now he smokes so much more than that and he now smokes bongs. I hate bongs.
He says he is miserable with his job and doesn't feel intellectually stimulated. He is dissapointed at him self for dropping out of Uni and for never going back. He says that for the last 10 years since he left it is an ongoing cycle of hating his job and regret about Uni which makes him smoke more weed and drink more booze which dulls his motivation to change. I have said that I am more than happy to support him emotionally etc if he decides to go back to Uni but he says that its too late, hes too old, he doesn't want to give up weed yet, he doesn't want to have no money etc etc. He then clams up again and doesn't want to talk about it.
He knows that he is not happy, he knows what he needs to do to change but he wont. Smoking weed is more important.
And I daresay that the weed is effecting our sex life too..
WHAT IS GOING ON? What can I do?

[Mini111]

i think you just should not talk to him about sex untill he want just sleep with him and ask about his day in office and other talkings except sex and try to be with him I hope after some time he'll get back to you in way you want.I hope you understand i m trying to say....

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best of luck

[Element]

The blunt gist of it all is that he has to want to change. Don't ever believe or talk yourself into thinking that you can and will change anyone, at all, ever. To fully and completely change, the actions have to be constant. He has to make a decision and see it through until the day he dies to fully make a change. So with that stated, the only option that you honestly have is to sit down with him and have an adult conversation about, well all of this.

He is obviously depressed about the course of his life. So, what is he willing to do to change it? And what can be done to help him to take the path to change? Does he need to do it on his own, do you need to be there to encourage him? One thing that you must get through your own head is that you can not do it for him. You can not call colleges for him, set up interviews for him, buy his books for him, drive him to college every day. You can be moral support, have his back; but the steps to change have to be taken by him.

I fully and completely understand someone being beaten down by unhappiness in their life. But he has sunken so low that he is not living anymore. He is hurting the woman that he is with. He needs to make changes to life, but he has to want to make the changes.

With that stated, now you have a decision to make. If he is not willing to change, are you going stay with him? Will you spend the rest of your life with this man as he is right now? Will you marry him? Is this the kind of father that you want your children to have?

If the answer is no, do not tell him this when you sit down and talk with him. Don't approach this as "If you don't change how I want you to, I'm leaving you." Explain to him that he is hiding behind video games and drugs. He isn't living his life because he's depressed. You see this in him, you see it in your relationship and you want to help him. You want to see him happy again. And you are there for him to help him. If he's insistent that nothing is wrong and it's all in your head, don't place blame; explain it to him kindly and respectfully. Explain to him how you feel, how you are perceiving things and you care for him so much that it is hurting you as well.

This is causing you a lot of pain in a lot of ways. You feel unwanted, doubting yourself, you are unhappy. Do not continue to take this abuse. He knows what he is doing is hurting you, and if he insists on doing things that hurts you; that is an abusive relationship; emotionally and mentally. A true man will cease doing anything that hurts a woman; let alone one that he is suppose to love.

I strongly suggest you taking two days alone from him, no calling, texting, seeing him, IMing him; and think about how you want your life to go. What kind of man you want and need, and how you are willing to lead your future. And then talk to him, calmly, openly, and both of you listen to each other.

[brisvegasbaby]

Thanks so much for this. It's given me a lot to think about. I have decided to do as you've suggested and be on my own for 2 days to have a long think. Thanks again, I really needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and think about this all more clearly.