[Zella]

Please help me, I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years and our 4year anniversary is tomorrow. We have a thing where we only celebrate our half-year anniversaries and not every month. The thing is that he not once tried to celebrate or organize anything. I know its not a one man thing, but I did my part. Everything we ever did on our anniversaries is what I organized, and sometimes I with organize for us to do something even if its not our anniversary.

So yesterday I went to him and asked him what we are going to to for our anniversary. I already looked up on the internet and found a few ideas for us to do. then he just said no we don't have any money. Although I know he has money in his saving I told him I saved money for us to do something, its not much, but at least we can maybe go to a B&B or resort for a day. (FYI I don't work yet because I am a student, he is finished with his studies and works almost for a year and a half now) When i told him that I have saved some money he asked so what do YOU want to do as if this anniversary thing is just for me. And then he joked meanly and said are we going to party. So I got angry jumped up and yelled at him that for 4 years we haven't celebrated once and that it is really important for me and i stormed out.

I know that was the wrong thing to do so not even 10mins later I went back and apologized. He didn't even apologize back and just said it's fine. To me everything is not fine because we are still not going to celebrate our anniversary, and hes not going to do anything special for me, not even buy me something small and nice even though I bought something for him, and we are maybe just going to go eat out.

He is really an awesome boyfriend, understanding, supportive, kind, always helping, loving, everything you want in a guy, but when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, Christmas, anything in that line he sucks!

Please any advice will do, thank you.

[Ashlee T.]

I know that people (men AND women) can be very hard headed and selfish at times... but I find something really wrong with a partner that refuses to make even the slightest effort in matters that are important to the other partner.

I dated a man for years, whom I loved dearly and I have no doubt that he loved me. But he got blinded by selfishness. For 5 years he maintained that we shouldn't celebrate our "anniversary" until we got married. He knew that day meant something to me, but he would put forth the most minimal effort possible (if any). It was similar with holidays like Valentine's Day. I didn't want a fancy gift...didn't care if he bought me a thing... I just wanted us to take that time out of the hussle and bussle of our every day lives, to really celebrate and appreciate each other. We ended up breaking up..and he has told me several times that he wished he could take things back and do them differently. He just couldn't see it then.

I DO think it's a bit much to expect to celebrate a monthly anniversary, or even half year for that matter. Once a year is sufficient in my opinion. In his defense, with you not working (even though I know personally that being in school full time isn't easy) I'm sure he feels a lot of pressure that everything "special" that requires money, is on him which also probably makes him feel resentful that he is then also expected to plan it.

If he is truly all those wonderful things you say... then take a step back and if that day is important to you, plan something fun and memorable. Take the pressure off him and see if that helps.

[Zella]

I just feel that I'm the only one that ever goes through any trouble to do anything special. I just want to feel that I'm special to him too, that he would go through the trouble to make me feel special aswell.

He doesn't even have to pay for anything, I saved money for us to do something. I feel that he knows when our anniversary is, so why can't he save for it, but he can save to buy an X-Box instead.

[Ashlee T.]

I understand. I've been there. Perhaps it's that you are feeling unloved in general...and you hope these "special dates" will bring forth something to make you feel that love.

We sell ourselves short in life so often. Don't. Part of growing up is learning what you want..what you need in a relationship...and learning to let go when you're not getting what you need. Not telling you to leave the guy... I'm just saying really take a look at your relationship and ask yourself when you wake up in the morning, when you lay down at night, "Do I feel loved by him?" If the answer to that is not yes...then you have some issues to address that if cannot be resolved, need to result in moving on.

[Claret]

Why does the celebration require spending money? To me, the celebration of an anniversary is a yearly thing not monthly and certainly no bi-yearly. And, what exactly are you celebrating? Are you celebrating 4 years of dating? Are you also celebrating XXX years of living together? Will you celebrate a wedding anniversary? Do you celebrate birthdays as well? How do you celebrate each of those other events?
Eventually, in a relationship, it becomes not necessary to pick out a specific day to do something meaningful and nice for the other person. My husband and I have been married almost 30 years, together for almost 5 years longer. We remember our anniversary of moving in together when the day rolls around on the calendar, we mark our wedding anniversary with cards and a special meal, usually prepared at home, and once in a while we take out our wedding album and can look at the pictures and/or re-read our vows. It doesn't really cost us anything but means a lot.
I think your boyfriend is trying to tell you to lighten up about this anniversary business. You are adults not teenagers that count hours, days, and/or weeks together.
Pick the one day a year that you'd like to celebrate with him. Ask for his agreement to this and ask for his assistance in making this one day a special day for you, because it means something special to you. See if you can get him to agree to this.

[Ashlee T.]

Why does the celebration require spending money?

I think it's more the fact that he's not doing ANYTHING on their anniversary or any holiday or special day. He knows it's important to her, and he's making no effort, claiming lack of funds (but spending money on toys and games for himself at the same time), and not making any effort to even be involved in planning something inexpensive and fun. All that combined can make a woman feel very very unloved and unappreciated.

I'm in full agreement that an anniversary should be a once a year deal... not an hourly, monthly, or even semi-annual event.

[rcoreyus]

You say he is great but has this one flaw. Its been long enough that he isn't likely to change. So, if you can be happy with him as he is, then be happy, and accept that you are not going to do things on special days. If these events are important to you, and you can't help but feel angry and frustrated, then maybe you are with the wrong man.

Only you can decide how important this is, but many people have some sort of annoying habit or issue.

[Harmony]

This sounds to me (as a man) as more of a principles thing, I think the OP is looking for her SO to acknowledge that this is important to her in an 'I want him to want organize something' kind of way.

One thing that is fun and doesn't require money is making each other a card and writing a poem or at least a rhyming message in it. This doesn't cost anything and can actually be quite fun.

While this man may not change, some men really are clueless and cannot conceive how something like this is can be so important to a woman, which is a shame since it's such an easy way to rack up plenty of brownie points. A lot of the time when women try to talk to men about these kinds of things men either try and run away, don't listen or don't take them seriously.

OP, have you tried drumming it into your BF's head that even just spending the day together is important to you? If not give it a go and make yourself crystal clear. If all else fails then maybe resign yourself to the fact he's a bit rubbish at this aspect of the relationship. As far as flaws go, this one isn't actually that bad.

[Claret]

But really, what is the OP celebrating here? Is she celebrating an "anniversary - which by definition is a once a year event" or is she celebrating some arbitrary day in-between two anniversaries? I think after this length of time it should only be the one not the other. Lets now add in all the other celebrations - birthdays, christmas, valentines, easter etc. The list can get quite long. Why, also, does the celebration have to include only the two of them? In defence of him, I think she should lighten up (and this is coming from a woman). Perhaps his reluctance to plan anything is a type of passive aggressive behaviour.

[Zella]

Thanks to everyone for replying, it really helped.

My boyfriend and I ended up in the biggest fight of our relationship last night. I told him everything that was bothering me and it just led to another thing and he started yelling and I started yelling. Later on he got so mad at me that he just yelled and told me to stop crying. I didn't have anything to say I was just crying hysterically and couldn't stop. I think he then realized that he hurt me and came to me, held me and said he was sorry for making me cry so hard, and for arguing, and not understanding that I just want him to help me and for everything. He told me that he is going to make an effort to change for me. I apologized as well.

After that we sat in each others arms and planned our anniversary together. I also told him we can only celebrate it once a year, more than that is too much.

I really think he is the man I will marry