[Lola11]

Dear All

I am new here and require some advice. I am not sure if I am over reacting. I have some trust issues with my partner due to his recent unacceptable behaviour. This was totally unrelated to his ex wife. We split up for a brief period of around 6 weeks over xmas and recently got back together. He has informed his ex wife with whom he has a 7 year old son.

I have been looking after his son on a regular basis for the past 3 years. My BF and I have been together almost 4 years. The son and I have a great relationship. That is not the problem.

The problem is he had lunch with his ex wife and son without my knowledge whilst I was out of town. The only reason I know is that I called him when they were together.

Now whats the big deal I hear you say? It is unheard of. They have been separated for 4 years.The divorce is almost final. They never got on before. They have never had lunch or socialised together with their son. For a long time they hated each other.

She has a new partner too that she has just returned from a 4 week vacation with.

My problem is why now? Why not tell me? He said it was totally spur of the moment and he has asked if he could take him out and she tagged along. It wasnt pre-meditated or planned.

Obviously this has never happened when I have been with him picking him up. My BF says they are now amicable and get on better than when they were together.

I think to have lunch together was disrepectful to me and sends the wrong signals to her about our relationship since I also found out that he didnt answer his phone to me on his hands free in car as she was there! What does this say?!

He says he didnt want to talk to me and tell me whilst she could hear as he knew I would be mad.

I have no children or ex husband and I feel that he just did not take my feelings into consideration at all especially when he knew i would be mad and still went ahead anyway.

He says I have nothing to worry about -every body knows where they stand but I am not comfortable with this and have told him so. He doesnt think he has done anything wrong as there are no feelings towards her but he simply just does not get that it matters to me! He said it is good for their son to see them together and not arguing. Whilst I agree it is great they now get on for his sake I draw the line at them spending time together.

Would anyone agree or can give me advice? How do I get my point across. I just feel like he never puts my feelingg first and to top it all off she know I am annoyed which give her satisfaction as he left her to be with me (albeit i didnt find that out til some 3 months into our relationship!)

I can assure you if i were to meet an ex for lunch he would not be happy but he gets excused because of the son!

HELP!!!

Lola

[Claret]

Dear All


I can assure you if i were to meet an ex for lunch he would not be happy but he gets excused because of the son!


Lola

Yes he does get excused because of the son. It is unreasonable to expect any and all communication to cease between the two exes just because you feel he should. I think it is a sign of maturity and a sign of acceptance when the two exes can get together without arguing and come together with THEIR son.

And yes, spur of the moment things like this happen, and yes you should (need) to be accepting of this. They are not together for a reason as a married couple but that doesn't preclude them being mature responsible adults and have similar interests and Yes, even enjoy being together as parents of their child. As the now 7 year old grows up there will be school events, sporting events, perhaps church events, graduation, weddings - all of which you would have to side-step for the natural Mother. She takes precedance in all these occasions - you would be at most the Step-Mom.

I am not for a moment suggesting that being the Step-Mom isn't an important role. It is. And I am not suggesting for a moment that there are relationships whereby the Step-Mom (or Step-Father for that matter) are a greater influence in the child's life. There are times when this evolves and you'll know if and when that happens. At that time your presence would probably out-strip that of his Natural Mother, but until then, rejoice in the fact that the Father is the type of man that wants and needs his child in his life and wants and needs his child to be a happy well-adjusted child in spite of the fact (or because of it) that he has divorced parents.

You've already had a separation, yet you say he left her to be with you. I'd be careful of making an issue out of any of this because he could then leave you for someone else in the future.

[BabyGirl]

I so agree with Claret on this .

He didn't do anything wrong, he did something right in showing his son that Mom & Dad can get along, even though they aren't together anymore .

I also found out that he didnt answer his phone to me on his hands free in car as she was there! What does this say?!

He says he didnt want to talk to me and tell me whilst she could hear as he knew I would be mad.

What it says.... is Him not answering the Phone , was very Mature and Smart , he has his Ex in the Car, his Son in the car. The last thing he should do is answer it and have you yelling or even them hearing his one sided replies. His duty was to drive, drive safely and not be Distracted by an Argument .

Look at it this way , he could have answered it, let his Son and Ex hear you ranting and raving and that would have put you in a bad Light . And the ex might have enjoyed knowing you were Jealous of her.

Your complaint shows jealousy, your attitude shows immaturity. Time to learn to trust him and to be glad that he and ex aren't bickering and making his son worry and fret over them fighting. He comes home to you, be glad that he does . Don't drive him away by being a Jealous Shrew.

I just feel like he never puts my feelings first

Your feelings should not come First, his sons feelings should . Keeping the Peace and having his son in a Loving home is whats important. Let this go, think of the Child, your fighting with his father over this is going to do nothing but harm to the child and if you harp on it and carry this Jealousy and Anger around, the Child will notice the tension.

And He ( father ) may make a choice again,to not raise his son in a home with Arguments and Distention.He's done it once by divorcing the Ex, this shows his Son comes First, as it should be.

I'd think about this and Tread Carefully. You can be a Huge part of this Child's life , make it one that is positive not negative. Accept the fact that you will always be Mom #2, But if you do this right, You will be Love #1 to your Partner .

[Pollon]

I agree with Claret & BabyGirl. You are putting your interested ahead of an innocent child's best interests. Keep it up and your man may decide that a relationship with you isn't good for him or his child.

Not everyone is cut out to date a divorced man with children. It is not easy to do.

[Guest]

Some people see children as "baggage" while others see them as "gifts". Either way, dating someone who has them means they're a package.

There is nothing wrong with dating men without children. Just don't pursue the ones who do.

As a parent myself, I will only date women who are mothers because they "get it".

One of the many reasons I am so crazy in love with my SO.

[Trisha23]

Maybe he was just trying to be civil with his wife since they have a kid. And he was also trying to be sensitive about what you might feel if you'll know about him having lunch with his ex-wife. I guess you should talk to him about this and try to voice out what you really feel.

[time2discover]

Believe me, when a divorced couple with a child finally get along, it's
a good sign for you. It means they've moved on over all the emotion
and are willing to be civil for their son. Not the opposite.

She will be, not a part of his life, but a part of your lives if you want
to live with this man. Accept it. I actually became friends with my husbands
ex after a while. The children are the main focus.

Listen to all the posts and you will see that the past of a person doesn't get
wiped away when you start a new relationship. Are you ready for this?

[Rhonda14]

I agree with everyone else. My ex and I NEVER got along because he was so jealous of my new husband. It would have been nice if he was able to be mature and act like an adult but it just isn't in his DNA to act like an adult because he still to this day 22 years later he is still immature. Please let this go if you want to have a future with this man and his son.