[julia724]

Hi,

So here goes my story: i am married, have kids and for some time i had troubles with my marriage (lack of communication and just not in love with eachother anymore). My husband travels a lot on business and i spend a lot of time alone.

Almost two years ago i started taking dance lessons and went few times for social dancing. I danced few times with a guy and had a chat between the dances. He invited me to his Christmas party and i told him i appreciated the invitation but i am married and i can not come. I got busy and stopped going dancing for few months, and late spring i went again on and off. I met him again and he asked me out again, and i refused. We were talking for few minutes when we would meet, but didn't exchange phone numbers or emails etc. He later told me he is divorced and has two kids. He kept pursuing me and in June we met once casually at the park, where he came with his son. He contacted me on FB and i added him as a friend.

I haven't seen him till September when i went dancing again and one evening i agreed to go have drinks with him and talk after the dance. I was attracted to him, he is really good looking and an amazing dancer. I was so taken with him that i flirted back and we started kissing. He asked me out again and i agreed. We met few more times and ended up having sex. He knew i was married, i told him before my marriage is not doing well (i shouldnt have) and he was ok with it.

We were seeing eachother once or twice a week at his place when my husband was away on his lenghty trips. We had an agreement that if he meets someone i would like to know, because i wouldn't like to continue this relationshio if he starts seeing someone else.

I was away part of December and January and when i came back felt something different about him. I knew he is looking for someone to establish a long term relationship with, as he would like to get married again. When i asked him if anything changed and he said he might meet someone. Last week i stopped messaging him and he didnt reply. After few days i contacted him and told him i don't want to stand in the way of him meeting someone and that is why i didn't keep in touch. He said i am not, and that he is not with anyone.

This week i felt something bit weird and realized he is moving on, but for some reason is not telling me what exaclty is goign on. I sent him a message telling him that i can't see him anymore and that we are done. We exchanged messages and agreed to meet in person to talk things through and end it. I made the mistake and went to his place and he used it to his advantage and we had sex. We didn't get back together, as he said it is my choice what i want to do next.

I didn't give him any answer, as i knew this won't work anymore and i have to end it. I was just considering that as our last time. He kept saying he is not into any relationship. On Friday evening i texted him and he answered on Saturday mornign saying that he slept. I signed into my FB and i saw him tagged in pics uploaded by the woman he denied he is not seeing. The pics were from the previous night when he said he slept. So i sent him a message and said "nice pics", he send back '?!" and then i asked him why wasnt he honest with me and tell me he is with someone else, why did he lie to me, that i can deal with anythign but not with him lying. He immediately removed me from his FB when he realized i saw the pics and i know that he is lying. I told him thank you, for saving me the time to delete him. And that was it.

I am so frustrated and angry now for allowing myself into this. From September till now i knew he is a player, and still i continued with it thinking i wouldn't get involved and if it breaks i won't be hurt. I was so naive to believe i wouldn't get hurt. I am not in love with him, but i am hurt that he was lying on me. That fact that i picked it up and confronted him doesn't make it better either, and thinking i shouldn't have started this also hurts.

I won't contact him, but i might meet him at the dancing place. What should i do next if that happens. I know that this was coming sooner or later, but now how do i deal with it.

My options are if i see him there
- to either ignore him
- say hi if he initiates any conversation but keep it formal
- or just stop going there ( i wouldnt like to do that, i love dancing and is the only thing i do that make me feel alive and i get some time for myself).

Also i am thinking it's not a good idea to hide if it happens to bump into eachother, and i shoudn't stop doing things i like just to avoid him.

Please tell me what you would do, i would really appreciate your help.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

Personally I'd ignore him because nothing good is gonna happen by talking to him ! But that's just my opinion

[time2discover]

Well it sounds like he actually liked your married status. Good sex and no emotional ties. Forget him and just keep living
like he's just another guy on the street. When you think about the lying part and how angry it made you, think of it from
your husband's point of view.(Not a criticism just a comment on what usually bugs us the most are things that we are
also doing.)But we're human.

[julia724]

Yes, you are right it was very convenient for him and i perfectly understand your comment about my husband. I ended up in this because our marriage has been in trouble for many years, i feel alone and not loved and we barely see eachother (few weeks every few months). I am not using it as an excuse and i know where i did wrong. Last summer before i started this affair we talked about divorce and my husband is blackmailing me with the kids. I only work part-time because i took time off to raise the kids last few years so at the moment i depend on him a lot.

It will get better i assume, it just takes time and patience.

Well it sounds like he actually liked your married status. Good sex and no emotional ties. Forget him and just keep living
like he's just another guy on the street. When you think about the lying part and how angry it made you, think of it from
your husband's point of view.(Not a criticism just a comment on what usually bugs us the most are things that we are
also doing.)But we're human.

[time2discover]

I know it's hard because I'm getting divorced after 28yrs of marriage. I've been with him forever and being on my own again is very scary.
But believe me from experience, living with someone when you,re not happy is alot worst. Me and my husband love each other but we drifted apart because of lack of communication and we just don't seem to be on the same page anymore.
For the experience part, my mother was dependent on my father and always gave herself excuses, like the children, the family etc. not to make the move. Today she's 76yrs old and completely resentful with him and everything for missing out on life. Remember, you make the choices and you end up living with them.

No matter what choice you make, just make sure it's what you want.

[rcoreyus]

You are unhappy in your marriage. If sex is the only problem, then you can sleep with people on the side and hope you don't get caught. It sounds though like you are missing more than sex, and in that case affairs on the side won't give you what you need. Maybe you should consider divorce and find someone who you can be happy with. It also might be better for your husband who is probably also unhappy in this relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

In my opinion. If two people no longer love each other, then regardless of finance, they need to move on. It is horrible to live in a loveless marriage and temptation often wins, for the shear will and desire to feel love, no matter in what fashion it presents itself.

If you leave. You can live somewhere else, start dancing somewhere else, be free, yourself, and find exactly what it is you are searching for.

Any man that sleeps with a married woman, has no respect for her or her husband, and only thinks of himself. Yes, it takes two.. But, let's face it, he just kept persuing each time he saw you until he got a result... It may all be in the chase, but if not real, off course it hurts because you feel used, yet you shouldn't as in theory, you used him.

If you feel that it was "allright" do do what you did because you are in a loveless marriage and don't owe it to your husband to tell him, as you are living in a lie with him, then you know your marriage is completely over and no one can blackmail you, rather make you feel you can't stand on your own two feet, you can.

Money is a necessity certainly, but there are people out there, family, friends, that will help you find answers.

I would go in that direction. Not withstanding, your husband has done no wrong apart from his chosen career. That type of career and family can't survive it is a shame that you two could not remember your beginning and discuss how to change the now to get back what you had once. But, he still needs to see his children, help pay for his children's education and living... There are options.. Have a think.

This man is not worth ever seeing. Find another passion or another location to dance..

[julia724]

Hi!

Your post is so insightful. What i am upset about is that he was persistent and caught me at my weakest, when i just gave up. At the back of my head, i knew it would end eventually, i guess i was naive to be believe it would end in a respectful way. I know now that one will always get hurt.

I am seriously thinking of the whole situation, and my marriage as well. I start to be more realistic about it and the steps i need to take from now on. If i continue with my marriage like that, eventually later on i could be exposed to a similar situation. There will be highs and lows in my life.

What i decided so far is to continue with the dance lessons, but take a break from the social dancing. In this way i take my time to recover, get over this situation and avoid any ackward moments.

It will be a while until my husband gets back home, so i have time to think well at what i want to do next. It is not worth staying in a loveless marriage, attached to a person who is never around, hoping to be happy like that. I am already living alone with the kids, so the transition shouldn't be that difficult. I hate living alone and having nobody to talk to and share my good and bad moments with.

It's been three days already: i was so hurt, i still am but i can start to see things in a different light. He didn't try to contact me, i will not contact him either, but i think of him in anger.

In my opinion. If two people no longer love each other, then regardless of finance, they need to move on. It is horrible to live in a loveless marriage and temptation often wins, for the shear will and desire to feel love, no matter in what fashion it presents itself.

If you leave. You can live somewhere else, start dancing somewhere else, be free, yourself, and find exactly what it is you are searching for.

Any man that sleeps with a married woman, has no respect for her or her husband, and only thinks of himself. Yes, it takes two.. But, let's face it, he just kept persuing each time he saw you until he got a result... It may all be in the chase, but if not real, off course it hurts because you feel used, yet you shouldn't as in theory, you used him.

If you feel that it was "allright" do do what you did because you are in a loveless marriage and don't owe it to your husband to tell him, as you are living in a lie with him, then you know your marriage is completely over and no one can blackmail you, rather make you feel you can't stand on your own two feet, you can.

Money is a necessity certainly, but there are people out there, family, friends, that will help you find answers.

I would go in that direction. Not withstanding, your husband has done no wrong apart from his chosen career. That type of career and family can't survive it is a shame that you two could not remember your beginning and discuss how to change the now to get back what you had once. But, he still needs to see his children, help pay for his children's education and living... There are options.. Have a think.

This man is not worth ever seeing. Find another passion or another location to dance..

[julia724]

I am unhappy, but i don't think having affairs will solve the problem. I believe it will only make it worse. I don't want to hide, and i don't want to live thinking what if i get hurt, what if he leaves me, what of he lies on me. I need to fix my life. I'd rather be with someone who loves and respects me, and not uses and takes advantage of me because my unhappily married status which would be convenient to him.

[time2discover]

Good for you! Remember that when you love yourself and you're happy it will effect everything around you.
Give yourself time doing this with your children and when the right guy comes along you'll be ready.

My thoughts are with you.