[Wellma]

Hi there. First time poster but long time lurker. I've been on this site for a while just reading through discussions and I've seen wonderful comments and advice given to others in the past. So now I am here with my own account to ask for a hand myself. I've heard it's pretty liberating to write down all of your thoughts in an email without a recipient or on a paper and to then rip it up just because it allows you to vent. I guess I am doing that in the sense that I am writing it all down but I'm curious to see what others think and since this is all anonymous I'm open to expressing my raw feelings. I apologize in advance if this gets a big lengthy and I thank anyone that actually reads it through.

Let's start by addressing the problems.... I have many. The first would be my relationship, the second would be my education, the third my family..... We will start with the relationship. I've been in the same relationship for a bit over three years now. We started out quite unexpectedly and unconventionally but somehow came together. There were many issues from the start and to this day we argue frequently (to me, arguing every second day is not normal)? I feel like our relationship is lacking something and furthermore I feel like I almost long for more... I wish in a way that I could have MORE. I'm a lover - I fall in love easily and I love hard. I feel like I give and give and give but rarely get anything back and I feel so drained and unappreciated. Now, why do I stick around? I don't know... Every time that these thoughts cross my mind I'm overwhelmed with an enormous sense of guilt and fear. Fear of being alone. I love being in relationships, that's just the girl I am. I love LOVING. I feel like I give myself completely and I truly believe I am a good person but I just don't feel like I ever really got back what I deserve..... My boyfriend is a nice guy deep down. I know he is. However, he is still very immature (he is also younger than me although only by a year). I try to talk to him about things...like to vent as I am now...and the best response I've gotten has been "That sucks." or "Life's a *****." in such a monotone voice that it drives me absolutely insane. We can tie the second issue (education) into this part as well. I feel like I'm not showing my true potential in school and I feel like this is partly because of my relationship. Now, I can fully acknowledge that I have the ultimate say in what I do but this sense of GUILT and FEAR comes back to me. Like as in - If I don't see my boyfriend for a couple of days due to having to study or something I'm a bad girlfriend... Ridiculous as it sounds, this is how I feel.

Lastly is the issue regarding my family. Boy have we had our fair share of issues to date but thank God nothing catastrophic. Still, I believe this family is extremely dysfunctional. I should mention that I am only 20 years old so I do still live at home. We have had many financial fluctuations in the past. At times we would be doing very well and at other times we would barely make ends meet and struggle to afford some groceries. My parent's aren't great savers so this contributed to those times. Anyway, at this moment we are at a peak again where my father is making somewhere around 15k a month. Enough to solve many problems, yes? Enough to CAUSE many problems actually. We constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY argue about money. Not that my father argues about it really but the rest of us... and mostly because of my mother. Now she is a whole other issue. We just do not get along. Our relationship has deteriorated so badly lately that we cannot stand each other any more. Yes she has told me this with her own mouth, I'm not assuming things. If my father sends me money to help me out and pay for something related to school or medical expenses even, she WILL for sure rip my eyes out for it. She will use the topic of me receiving money on my back for months. By this I mean, if I receive $200 she will say later that I received $2000 or some exaggerated crap. She constantly puts me down and tells me that she wishes she had different children but mainly directs that to me. If the family is having an active discussion and I put ONE word in, she fires back with a "Who asked you for anything? Is your opinion important here? No one asked you for anything." meanwhile my other two siblings can chime in all they want and not a word is said about it. I tell her sometimes that she treats me so differently than the others but she denies this and rolls her eyes. It's blatantly obvious. I've tried being nice - no difference. I've tried firing back at her - no difference. It's at the point where I feel as though she must hate me to be so extremely rude and negative to me. Oh and yes she has told me she hates me and even been so lovely as to call me a b!tch on a couple of occasions. Now, I'll be the first to admit - I'm not one to stay quiet. I am very sarcastic and dry at times... BUT to my defense I am not like this just out of the blue. I am actually pretty timid and keep to myself most often but I can be rude too if I am purposely and repeatedly stepped over. My personal opinion is that my mother, who is 50 years old, is having some type of mid-life crisis.. Maybe she is going through some personal issues and she is taking it out on me since I am the youngest and she feels old? In my opinion I look the most standout-ish from my sisters - they do not wear much makeup and have brown hair while I do wear makeup and I have platinum blonde hair.. maybe it annoys her that she is past that time in her life to be 20 years old and takes it out on me. I have no idea really but this is getting to be too much.

That pretty much explains the most of it. If anyone wants to - feel free to leave your comments/opinions/advice etc. bad or good. I'm open to criticism. Let me know what you think, what you would do, etc. I love hearing what other people have to say. Thank you so much! Have a great day.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, that was a long post in venting

I'm 50 this year, that photo is only 2 years old, we are not old at all, trust me on that...

Firstly, with your family. We can not choose them unfortunately, or maybe we do before we come to this earth, who knows but the bottom line is, when we reach an age, such as 20, we have choices. Those choices are to fly the coup, or remain and how you go about either obviously depends on attitude and a " I can" approach.

I don't get why your siblings and you are even bought into financial discussions. That should be between Adults off course there will be problems there.

Do your siblings get money from your Dad as well? He is still living at home?

I wonder if she feels that you are 20 and should be out in a place on your own by now, with savings, though that's hard. I wonder if she doesn't like a girl to wear a whole lot of makeup and die her hair, ( I am assuming platinum is bleached) and that she is therefore, though again, each to their own, we own our bodies and should be able to do what we want .. Just throwing thoughts out there that maybe clicks.

Sometimes, we are also Daddy's girl and in that the "Mother" feels lost and not loved as much as before, given you were the first child this could also be the case and hense, her outbursts when he gives you money.

Often Mother's and daughters just clash, if they have simular personalities and they just can't get on, unless they are not in each other's faces all the time. Hense my thoughts on the moving.

With your boyfriend, not much you can do. It seems to me that you need someone who is a bit older than you, who understands a little more about relationships and communication...

You should not feel guilty if you are studying and can't see him. That sounds like a "Mother" / "wife" in the oldern days

What are you studying? Can you get a part time job?

[lcj14]

I'll comment on the boyfriend thing first. I go to school too and I can totally relate on feeling guilty when you have to study instead of spending time with your boyfriend. Is he not a student as well? That does make it harder. But you need to try to remind yourself that your education is important. Especially since he doesn't seem too emotionally there for you. From the description provided it does sound like he is just immature. What you may need to try to ask yourself is if he will ever become emotionally mature to the extent that you would like. If you're unhappy with your relationship and if you have been the type to fight since day one, you may just not be right for each other. I know it is hard and even scary to think of walking away from someone after spending years with them, but sometimes it is the right thing to do. A relationship should be equal.
With your mom, it could be a number of things causing the problem. My mom and I fight a lot (although I am still very close with her and at the end of the day I say she is my best friend). You two may just need some space from each other right now. Sometimes it just takes time for relationships to heal and move on from whatever the conflict is. It is entirely possible that she is unknowingly hating you because she is jealous of your youth. Or it is just possible that you two both have strong personalities and clash with one another because of it. I know how frustrating it is to have your mom attacking you. I have a hard time with that myself. My mother is extremely critical of me and everything I do and there are so many times where I wish she would be nurturing just once and say she is proud of me. But then I just have to remind myself that just isn't her personality.
Have you always had a hard time getting along with your mom? Or were you once close and are now unable to get along?

[Claret]

Take it one step at a time, which issue bothers you the most and which issue would you like us to respond to and/or make suggestions or share our experiences. I think it might be a bit much to expect responses to everything. What is most important to you?

[time2discover]

Glad you came to vent and share with us!

I'll add a question which might make you think. If you read your own post, can you see that what
and how much you are worth seems to depend on everybody around you?

I think you have to start looking at yourself in the mirror and see you are beautiful, intelligent human
being with a good soul. Work with that and when you start believing for yourself, what other people
say and do around you won't bother you as much. You'll know who you are and what you're worth!
Bet their attitude changes when they see you're not affected by them anymore. We tend to attract
around us what we really feel about ourselves. Try it. Loving yourself is the best gift!

[Wellma]

Thank you for your responses everyone! I really appreciate it!

chandlerswish - In no way did I mean that 50 year olds are old - I don't think they are! I apologize if you thought that is what I meant! I just meant that maybe she felt this way about herself. To answer your questions - Yes my siblings do also get money from my Dad and more than I receive actually. However, this is never an issue to her and she rarely complains about that but if it is to me, then it is a problem! My parents are still married but my father lives away from home for work. He visits often since he does not live that far (only an hour and a half drive). My major is in Legal Studies and I could perhaps get a part time job but the reason I haven't is because I think it would be very difficult to handle everything as I sometimes find it hard now without a job!

lcj14 - My boyfriend is not a student at the moment. He took a year off to work and he plans to go to school next year. I did not have a hard tiem getting along with my mother in the past. We did have arguments but not nearly as bad or as frequent as they are now. I feel like she changed enormously this past year or so.. I never really felt like I could truly confide in my mother because whenever I, for example, tried to share a personal problem with her she would act like she was being supportive but then a few days later she would be blackmailing me or putting it on my back when we had a disagreement. On top of that she always felt the need to share my personal problems/opinions/feelings with my siblings who then, out of immaturity, gave me hell for it. However, this past year or so as I said it's a combination of so many different things that just make it absolutely impossible for us to get along. I have no one to confide in at all.

claret - I feel like that is hard to answer because they are all very important to me! My family would come first, I guess, but I'm very bothered by all issues I mentioned.

time2discover - Thanks for welcoming me! I do see what you mean. My self worth greatly depends on everyone around me. However, I do not want it to be that way. I try really hard not to pay attention to how poorly others treat me at times but it bothers me deep down and in return I feel very low about myself. I try to hide that fact from others and I bottle it all up inside which I realize is unhealthy. Thank you for your kind words. I guess I need to work on myself and make time for my self for once.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have a warped sense of humor I am way not old, do I look old, that's a 1 year old photo

Your father is away alot but comes home... Your partner has given up for a year so maybe your Mother sees her in you? And wants better especially considering your future.

Maybe we are seeing her reasons as different.

I am wondering , her talking to our siblings, does she drink or is she on medication? Please excuse me, I am just trying to see the whole picture.