[hys]

I guessing the best way to start my story is by saying I recognize I am no angel and that most of my pain is my own fault. At this point It has been nearly 3 years and I should be free of the pain and am still as I say in my head... Stuck.

-the back story-
I met the man of my dreams in January 2006, he was my perfect match. about 6 months later he proposed and I was excited. I had been married previously but it didn't feel like this. My daughter adored him also and it was more than a dream.
About a month after we became engaged he snapped at my daughter... she was 2 and singing obnoxiously and he had been drinking. I began to explain to him that she is just a baby and that it was uncalled for... I placed my ring down between us and said that maybe he should give it back to me when he was ready. He didn't take to well to that idea and followed me into the bedroom where he put his hands around my neck and sat on top of me on the bed. It sounds bad.. because it is but he didn't hurt me at all it was just a "fear inducer" (we often played rough, but I could feel this was different.) We worked it out. I over time becoming very compromising to avoid fighting. He made jokes about violent acts if I ever left or cheated and I laughed, but inside I didn't know what he would do.
Now most people would say this was time to walk away, but I loved him. I really wasn't ready to give up. We moved across town and during the moving process I found a DVD with him and his ex's name on it.. yes it was exactly what you are thinking. He walked over and broke it before I had a chance to even check it out. I asked what was on it, and he went into detail about his relationship with his ex-fiance, She got into porn, she lied, she cheated, she sold her engagement ring for 2 smaller ones to wear on each hand, she made him lose his best friend... etc. The girl was straight poison. But as he spoke about her I got that feeling, that he missed her. I shrugged it off but it was always there in the back of my mind... what if she came back what would he do?
About a year later we reached another argument...2 in 2 1/2 years not to shabby. At this point we were already married and looking for a house, I dont even remember the argument but I remember his hands on my neck. Again it wasnt painful it was like he was trying to scare me into seeing he was right. It hurt my feelings more than anything. I was depressed after that... for a long time. A year later I started taking lorazapam, and felt numb, he said he like it and I stopped taking them it just ****ed me off. One night, I downed a bottle of Yager and told him all my deep down worries. I told him how I thought he was still in love with his ex, that I couldn't believe he couldn't get a job, that I hated how he drank every day, that I needed the man I met to come home already because I was tired. (this is as slim as I can make the story) The next day was awkward. Mainly because I didn't remember a thing, I got all the info second hand from him.
A few months later I came home to what again was a late dinner for my daughter, and I was just irritated that this man had no job but couldnt make dinner for my 6 year old before 9 pm... his excuse was that he wanted it to be ready for me. Even though I had told him a thousand times not to. I usually didnt yell or say anything at this time of day because at dark was when he would start drinking. But I put my daughter to bed and started in. It was almost 2 years of built up annoyances and it just wouldnt stop coming out. Finally I screamed "Do you want me to leave?" He reached over grabbed the dogs chain and came at me. He wrapped it once around my neck, held it, placed his hand on the back of my head and took me to the ground. Violent with care? I really have no explanation but it broke my heart. I didn't want to leave. But I was clearly in an escalated situation that I didn't know how to fix.
We talked less and less, I missed him. When we would kiss it was just as powerful as it ever was. I didn't really tell anyone what had happened I didn't want to hear the "get out" from them. I knew him better than anyone and while I was afraid, I know he didn't mean to ever really physically hurt me, he just wanted the win. I met a guy at work who I became friends with, I told him about my husband and he told me I deserved better. That we should run away together. That I would always be a princess, and how do I expect my daughter to make good relationship choices with this going on. (she never saw a thing). I fell for him, in the "get out of jail free" kinda way. I left my husband filled for divorce immediately and moved in with the new guy. I sent my daughter to my mothers for 2 months (summer vacation) So she didn't see the divorce. About a month into it we decided to move to my mothers state. During the goodbyes he changed, he began to treat me like crap. Just disrespectful. Left with another woman from a bar we were at (she was his friend). I made yet another mistake that night to one up his and slept with someone else. We reconciled the next day and I kept my one night stand a secret. 8 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. The guilt was eating me alive. I didn't know whose it was. I was scared. I started to miss my ex husband. Surely he could fix it. So I called him... We talked it all out. I broke up with the guy from work had an abortion and took my daughter and me 1600 miles home in 23 hours of straight driving. I never felt so happy in my life.. reaching him and being in his arms. I was relieved it was all over. I was hormonally crazy. I felt awful. I killed a baby. I felt selfish and undeserving. I was broken. I told my "husband" he couldn't understand what I was going through and I had to call the ex boyfriend. (I get that I sound a little crazy, I felt it trust me). He told me to call him so I did. Talking with him, he apologized for acting like such a jerk, told me he knew he was out of line a lot of times with my daughter and me and that he could fix it and that he could really be the better man, he sold me himself. I bought it, again I fled my "husband". Two and a half months later I was back in the same boat, I missed my husband, ugh why cant I get this right? But it was too late I was already pregnant. I stuck by my boyfriend. But every day since I have thought about my ex husband, he talked to my daughter for a long time via email (My daughter new him as Daddy). He was good to her so I made it happen. In July last year (2012) it stopped, no more emails. His last email read "hey kiddo". This has torn my daughter apart. I never let her see that I miss him too. AND I am still with my boyfriend and we have a beautiful baby. I love them both. I want to be over it. I want to not have doubts I want to just be here in this life... I did my research and found my ex has a new fiance and she has a son, and they just had a baby. Which means he stopped talking to my daughter about the time he found out he was having a baby of his own. Part of the arrangement with my boyfriend is that I never speak to him again. I want to call and yell it him for ignoring my daughter, and secretly for not coming after me like he always threatened. For not telling me what a mistake I was making... ugh. My boyfriend has come a long way. but the way I feel underneath is that the love of my life is gone and I am angry at him for all the lies and crap of the last 3 years and taking me and my daughter away from my ex. I have pieced this together to hopefully be free of it...
Everyday I imagine ways to get back with my ex husband. Things I could do or say... I tell myself no and I move back into my life. (which from an onlookers perspective is amazing) I guess what I need to know is how long can this feeling last? Will I ever be free of the heartache? Will I ever be okay in this life? But most importantly, how do I fix my daughter? I already told her he is never going to write back, I told her its probably because he has his new life. I tell her its not her fault but she needs to let him go. to which she replies "he is my daddy mommy, he is" Help if you can.

[jns]

How adults treat children is a look into their personalities. When he didn't take your criticism of his reaction to your daughter well, you should have seen it as a sign to get out. Instead, you doubled down. Has the drama over the last 7 years been worth it (rhetorically)?

From what I have read about your situation, it seems to me that you like men who are dramatic with rough edges. Your second ex was like this and you let him put his hands and chains around your neck. Most would have got out and never looked back from the first time this happened. Your bf is probably a little too domestic, which is why you resent him.

Your daughter has learned more about relationships than you suspect. She also knows not to go for the flavor of the day when she is describing who is her father.

[BabyGirl]

Hi and welcome to WH .

Your story was/ is very interesting and I am sure many will want to help and put in some Advice or Opinions.
But I got lost when there were no Paragraphs, towards the end and things blended into each other .

Hopefully not being Rude here, I just get lost and not understanding anything more than the Abuse and Choking you for Control . And then it jumped to a new BF and your Daughter and how to teach her ?



So maybe the Admins can Edit it so we can spend more time on the separate sections ?

[hys]

I am sorry my story was a bit jumbled. I was trying to make it as short as possible and during that process I managed to skip over and cut out huge chunks. Typing it out gave me a little bit of perspective about how I should have reacted along the way. My ex was abusive to me and great for my daughter. My boyfriend is great for me and my not so great for my daughter. Which has led to a very stressful and complicated life. My daughter is begging to see my ex-husband and I have been advised by my current boyfriend that this is unacceptable resolution. I am desperate to know what is the right thing to do as my heart and mind are confused. Which is also most likely another the cause of the jumbled mess.

[hys]

To clarify my ex husbands reaction to her behavior was a little too grown up for her age group. If she had been older I might have seen his behavior as acceptable. However his reaction to me placing my ring down was very dramatic and uncalled for. I recognize that everyone has there own level of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. I didn't feel he was intentionally violent and therefore it was not a get out time for me. Looking back I should have handled it differently in demanding therapy or some type of counseling.

I resent my boyfriend for the lies he told to seperate me from my husband. The false representation of character is huge to me. And during a emotional and vunerable state I choose to see past it. He is more like a child than a man sometimes and this has led to a lot of arguments and frustration. He does have a willingness to change, adapt and grow into a respectable man, but these things take time.

My daughter is currently acting out a great deal. It has become incredibly difficult to find a method of communication that is not met with rolling eyes. The only thing she ever says is that she wants her "daddy" which is my ex-husband(2). Her biological father only became an active part of her life during the during the divorce, so the bond or father figure roll did not fall onto him in her eyes. Since she is only 9 she does not understand that ex-husband(2) has no obligation to continue communication. He did speak with her through emails up until last June. Through my research I found this is the time he discovered him and his new girlfriend were pregnant. I can only assume this is why he choose to not continue his relationship with my daughter. It leaves me in a difficult situation with my daughter and I don't know how to proceed.

You are right that children know a lot about relationships, but there are some things she never saw. I made sure she was protected from any of the negative things which is why she still idealizes my ex-husband and thinks of him as a man who can do no wrong. I also know it is unhealthy for what she has been shown in my current relationship as it was not so easy to protect her from watching us argue. I am human and I tend to leap heart first and head last into things only to realize my head should have gone first.

Thank you for responding, I appreciate the feedback.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I read your whole post.

When we are confused, it will be jumbled, how can it not be? That's how your head is feeling.

To be honest, neither guy is good for you. Your ex held control and made you feel loved, just by the mere fact that he did not hurt you, but frightened you and often we mistake that for love.

It's this mistake that took you back to believing you loved him and "love him", but as you can see, you could leave in 2 minutes, and come back in 2 minutes and repeat. That control over someone is toxic.

Do you still need a form of drug to help you be calm over everything?

Your current boyfriend cheated on you ,so you cheated on him. But, you ended up going back with him because he said "sorry".

What you are desperately searching for is love. But love is not perfect. What you do deserve to stop this toxic thought pattern is to be treated right and your children.

The fact that your ex would always take you back is the reason you think you love him. The fact that he has someone else and a baby is the reason why you want him.

If you were in love with your now boyfriend you would be glad to rid of that pain and suffering and termoil...

You are searching for love and accepting anyone that uses the word or suggests you should be treated right, then not feeling right about that choice.

[hys]

I read your whole post.

When we are confused, it will be jumbled, how can it not be? That's how your head is feeling.

To be honest, neither guy is good for you. Your ex held control and made you feel loved, just by the mere fact that he did not hurt you, but frightened you and often we mistake that for love.

It's this mistake that took you back to believing you loved him and "love him", but as you can see, you could leave in 2 minutes, and come back in 2 minutes and repeat. That control over someone is toxic.

Do you still need a form of drug to help you be calm over everything?

Your current boyfriend cheated on you ,so you cheated on him. But, you ended up going back with him because he said "sorry".

What you are desperately searching for is love. But love is not perfect. What you do deserve to stop this toxic thought pattern is to be treated right and your children.

The fact that your ex would always take you back is the reason you think you love him. The fact that he has someone else and a baby is the reason why you want him.

If you were in love with your now boyfriend you would be glad to rid of that pain and suffering and turmoil...

You are searching for love and accepting anyone that uses the word or suggests you should be treated right, then not feeling right about that choice.

I am currently not on any medications. I do a lot of yoga. drink a lot of herbal tea, and seek out therapeutic things. I think this is the most accurate thing I have heard. I am desperate for love and often confuse control as signs of affection. I recently started to work the "12-steps" for an emotional dependance/love, through evaluation and acceptance I am learning a great deal about myself. Mostly that I am angry with those who have hurt me and that I continue to punish myself through my relationship choices. As well as I am addicted to the make up/ first kiss high that I get. I believe now that I might actually find what "normal" feels like somewhere down the road and I am incredibly hopeful. -Thank you for responding, I really appreciate the feedback, life is a incredibly difficult journey without the assistance of others, I am glad you still have the human gene.

[jns]

Best of luck, hys. You are working on making yourself better. That is something I admire in a person.

[Trisha23]

You've been in a lot of tough situation hys. I hope you can find the true peace and happiness you've been longing to have. Just don't forget to pray and things will be alright.