[Shadowfax]

I hate that this still bothers me.

Almost a year ago, I had been dating a guy for 4 years. He knew it was time to take the next step in commitment, but he started partying harder. I am not one to bury my head in the sand, so I often questioned it. He admitted that he felt he needed to get this "partying with the guys" out of his system. I respected him and trusted him, so I gave him space, but let it be known that he had to choose between acting like bachelor every night, and our relationship.

Then I found out he had been cheating on me with a girl in our grad school for a few months. It takes two to cheat; she was well aware we were dating. He didn't admit it the first time I asked, but eventually confessed. I tried to talk things out and at least save our friendship, but he pretty much wanted nothing to do with me.

We basically haven't spoken again. He immediately was with this girl, and sort of shoved it in my face. He never made any sort of attempt to make things right, or sincerely apologize. They are still together, and I have to be in his/ their vicinity relatively often.



I know he didn't deserve me, and I don't wish it had turned out any differently. But I am still struggling. I have a new boyfriend, but trust is a real issue. I can't seem to just settle down and believe that everything will work out. He is completely trustworthy but I'm so afraid I will invest myself for nothing again, or he will leave me for someone else. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone again.

How do I get over this trust thing? Always seeing my ex and this girl is also extremely stressful, but luckily I will be out of the area soon. But my inability to have a normal, trusting relationship is something I'm afraid I'll carry for my entire life, and I don't want to. It's very demoralizing to know they are still together after what they did, and I am struggling with this...and the only thing I did wrong was NOT jumping to conclusions when he began this alcohol-heavy lifestyle.
Does anyone have any advice for me? :/

[Shadowfax]

Oh, and a side note- I'm 25. So. This isn't like a high school thing....it's like a really sh**tty mid-20s, watch-every-other-girl-around-me-get-engaged thing.

[Adviser]

You're right, he didn't deserve you!

If you have trust issues, then you need to let your boyfriend know, and let him know that it is your problem. It is your issue, and make sure he knows it is not him, especially if you say he is completely trustworthy.

I had insecurity/trust issues for years. I only really got over getting hurt when me and my current boyfriend started going out. He thawed me out, you might say. I had been unable to feel anything for anyone for years, and he helped me start again.

I know I would be devastated if he ever betrayed me, but I trust him, and the thing about trust is, it does build with time! Also, trust will always have an unknown quantity: if there was no risk, it wouldn't be trust, it would be knowledge!

We didn't trust each other fully until over a year into our relationship, because we were getting to know more about each other. Now we know each other, we know what the other is capable of, our faults and virtues. I know he would never cheat on me, it is against his nature.

Learn to trust, slowly. Don't worry if you get insecure or suspicious, but try to work on it, if you do get like that. It will get better, I promise.

I know it may seem hard now, Shadowfax, but you will get better.

Let me know how you get on!



Your ex sounds horrible, not even apologising, who does that?!

[jns]

Shadowfax, I can see your dilemma. You want to be engaged at this time of your life, but your ex heightened your insecurities by his actions. Those trust issues keep you from bonding as quickly and as tightly as you would like. Your bf sounds like a great guy. I hope everything works out for you two. Everything in life is a gamble and sometimes things don't work out. On the other hand, sometimes you just have to go for it and not worry so much about a possible downside.

[lizzardb63]

Trust takes time and I agree with Adviser 100%. Tell him what you're going through and let him know it's you and not him and eventually the longer you're together the easier it will get for you. I think ever knows how you feel to some degree. It's hard starting a new relationship to begin with, but starting it after being betrayed is even harder. Just don't let this doubt or not being able to trust him get in the way of your relationship growing. Trust doesn't happen over night and if this guy really cares for you he'll help you get out of that funk.

[lizzardb63]

Also try to remember that these are two completely different people. So you can't linger too long about what your ex did.