[MikelJ]

Hello all..so I wasnt paying attention then I signed up on this and realized that this is probably a womans website. But what better advice to get then from a woman. I've never done this before. I love my wife so much and I don't want to loose her. I have faith that I wont, but the logical side of me is saying she's going to move on. So here's the story..

..I've known her since I was 14 (she's a year younger than me), we "dated" for like a month. Obviously a long distance relationship will not work at that age. So we became friends. Best friends at that (though I will admit that she was always the better friend). I've always loved her. At first. I didnt know how to say it. Then I would just ignore it. Then when I was 21, I knew I loved her. I knew she was the one or me. We eventually started dating, I wen to bootcamp, got out and we dated for another year before we got married.
Now, we always argued. It would be ok sometimes. Then we would argue alot. I see now that I always fought her. But, it is a two way street and she would fight me just as much (one reason i love about her, she is strong. Stronger than she knows). I always wanted her trust, but she never fully did. I know I started alot of arguments because of it. But "I" felt that I deserved it. I know. I was stupid. Love is patient. We got into this really bad argument on valentines day..and I broke up with her..stupid me to angry to even realize what day it was..that was no good. So of coarse we got back together about a month later. We were fine. good (we're in two different states this whole time btw). That year (July) we get married. Everything is great. She's so happy (what I would give to make her that happy just one more time)..We are so happy..
Now here's where is begins. Let me start by saying this. I know the mistakes I made. Im writing it out here as much as it hurts to admit..but im doing this because I need help..I want to save our marriage..
...So I started smoking a yeat before this point. I never told her..I knew how big of a deal it was. If she knew. We wouldve never gotten married..that kinda deal..I never told her..I lied about it..all the time..She would never kiss me when she smelled it..i would shower when I got home so it wasnt on me..I decided to tell her after an arguemnt...I saw her heart break in her eyes..(i didnt then ...but i can see it plain as day now)..we where never the same after that..well..no..I can say that it was me. Thats when I started letting myself change.
I started smoking more..and she wouldnt kiss me with the smoke smell..and selfish me..i got angry inside..i never told her this..because ..idk why..it was my fault..i lied to her..now she knows..shes not going to kiss me anyway..so im going to smoke anyway..(thats what I thought..so stupid)..

next problem:
So yea, Ive always loved music. I play the piano and guitar..when I got into the drums (in highschool), I started to love metal.
Now, being married..we both wanted to start getting back to church you know, getting right with God. We both had our distractions, but we are together at this point. So theres no better time than to do it.
...When we got married..the first couple months were good. of coarse we had our arguments. but who doesnt. I decided to join a band. A deathmetal band. (about as far as God as you can get if you know some of the bands I would listen to..)
..I chose the band over her..I didnt even see it..but I did..and she would tell me that..and I would ignore it..I kept telling her that she needed to learn to be happy without me..(im married..thats not what we got married for..)..I broke her heart so much..always working..then going to band practice..I emotionally neglected her...So she went home the first time..it was kind of for the holidays..but she did it so I could find myself..(and me being selfish. I would just ignore it. She left on her own right? I never told her to.)
..I eventually told her to come back. That I was srry. I would only have band practice 2 nights a week. and one day on the weekend..
..that didnt last long..we all of a sudden got more shows..so we had to practice more..and of coarse it was a broken promise to her..and I wa angry that she didnt understand..(looking back now I see that I let the band and other outside influences slowly change me..I pushed her away so much..and I was so blind..)..

...I have to go so im going to try and wrap this up..I started texting a girl back home..I started not talking to her almost at all..I disrespected her so much..I never physically cheated..but in a marriage...i know now..that it was cheating..flirting with a girl back home..we eventually had a huge argument..she told me not to come home for a couple days..she packed her stuff and left..I couldve stopped her I think..im not sure..but I didnt..I was angry..and kind of in shock at what was happening..i didnt know what to do..Im going to see a counselor..to get any kind of help i can..I just figured I would post here to...
..Im broken..I am..I've never felt so low..Ive prayed..so much...Ive cried every night..for 2 weeks..we talk now..but she doesnt know..she says the only person that Im fighting is her..and that their is no other guy..that if it came down to it..she would choose herself (not that she will..but that would be why..not because of another guy)..She shows know emotion in her voice..shes even told me she hates me..shes also wrote that she loves me..but i know that that doesnt mean that shes in love with me..I ****ed up..I broke her heart so many times over the past 2 years...yes she has broken my heart to..but..I messed this marriage up..I know who I am now..I know what I want and must do in our marriage..but I have no Idea how to get her back..we talk every day on the phone..but shes told me..she doesnt want to come back..and that she wont..that if we decided to work things out..I wouldnt even see her face for three months..that I need to find myself..and I have but I cant convince her of this..I cant even show her because she is not here..She does not even seem to acknowledge my feelings..Shes always hinting (by what she says) that she wants to just focus on her..but we still talk everyday..I get so overwhelmed with emotion sometimes..I just want her to love me like she did..I want to show her that I'm the man she married..better. I know how to treat her..how to make her my queen..How to love and hold her heart..but I dont know what to do anymore..she says such hurtful things..sometimes I dont even think she realizes it..but then she tells me that if we decide to work things out..its going to be hard. really hard.. I feel like she wants me to feel what she felt..and I do ..I sucks..but I cant be with someone that wants an "eye for and eye" ...we wont ever work things out that way..i just dont know what to do..thank you if you took the time to read this whole thing..What do I do know..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why do you feel the need to rebel?

It is like on one hand you understand the word love and what constitutes a relationship and on the other hand, you "want" to do exactly what you want to do and in your mind, to heck with the consequences..

It's like you are dancing around tempting fate or danced.....

Often we get confused of our identity when young. The right path to take. We forget that there are two, not one and rebel, trying to hold onto our own identity.

Are you matched? You wanted to smoke she detests it.

You thought about Church but rebelled and went into a rock band.

I think your answer lies in you know of love but can you give it yet to someone else as two people..

It seems she was "ok" with 3 times a week practice so "ok" with you being in that rock band so she is not demanding you go her way or no way... But, not ok with more gigs, more time away from her.. Does she not have her own passions, dreams, goals?

Even if you are doing something you love, passionate about there is time to give that same passion to the one you love equally..

It sounds as if your thoughts are there with love but your actions aren't.

Lying is one thing women hate.. Detest, it's my biggest grrrrr... Acknowledging that and ensuring that it never happens again is a good start. Not to someone that you are sharing the rest of your life with.

She sees a lier, a rebel, someone who isn't there for her but is there for himself, the arguements...

You see the same.

So because you see it, work with it, go and seek help and work with it and let her know that she is more important your marriage is more important and so, you are doing this.

Give it time.

You can only hurt someone over and over for a period of time before they fall out of love..

You may have caught this just in time.

PS... It may be a Woman's Forum but there certainly are some great Men here too ...

[MikelJ]

yea..Ive quit smoking, quit the band. and yes..i did loose myself. I saw a counselor today..and it really is good to have another perspective. I will and am working at this. I just dont know how to go about it anymore. The past two nights we've fallen asleep on the phone with each other..and in the morning ill call her and tell her how amazing she is to me..but during the day..theres no emotion..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No emotions during the day? What do you mean.

Good for you, it's nice when someone loves and wants to work things out... But the no emotions from both sides?

[MikelJ]

she told me to watch the movie Fireproof a couple of days ago..it was really good..i welled up..that guy..was me..i disrespected her so much..i hope its not to late..I've handed this over to God though....and to Chandler: she talks to me..without emotion..idk how to explain it..im kind of worn out lol..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

lols..

Oh we are intelligent that's it, just show you a movie so you can see the resemblance

She probably feels numb. She "wants" her husband but has lost faith....

Keep going to councelling. Keep looking deep within yourself for change, if you want this woman in your life, as your wife, (that rhymed?) forever.

She seems to compromise but that just showed me also, she seems to be screaming for you to see.

And, prepared to take the time for you to see, otherwise, she'd watch the movie see you and never tell you, if she had given up.

[MikelJ]

Thats true. I guess if she hadn't given up we wouldnt even be talking like we do. I cant stop my heart from hurting though. It physically hurts. Or maybe I just think it is. I love her so much. She's my best friend. But then she'll say things (last night..she just got back from a trip to NYC with her church)..she told me that she got invited to "go out", but she told her know because she's going to stay in "with me". When she got home..she was exhausted yes. but we where talking, and she said "we should've never gotten married"..it hurts so much..because its not true.

So she told me that this thursday (I told her she can have whatever time she needs, but she wanted to put the time limit on it) we would talk and she would make the decision if she wanted to work things out or not. Last night while we were talking..she told me "I know I told you thursday..but im beginning to feel the pressure and I may need more time". I told her she can take whatever time she needs. and asked her if there was anything I could do do help lessen the pressure. She said yes..talk to me more like just a friend..

I know I have to show her that I can be her friend before I can be her husband..but I feel like everyday we talk..shes pushing me further and further away..and for the 3 weeks that shes been back (well not this past week but..), shes been hanging out with some guy she used to know. She insists its nothing. but she told me that they "enjoy each others company (he just got out of a relationship) and he doesnt push anything". She gets defensive about him when I ask questions. She said he's nothing. but what am I supposed to think. he doesnt know that shes talking to me again. and she told me that if he did, yes things would be different (like the way he treated her). She told me that if she decided yes, she wouldnt see him again.

so yea. she told me yesterday that tnite shes going out to dinner with him..maybe..and I just dont know how to take this..i mean ..where still married..and I wouldnt/im not seeing anyone. nor do I have the will/want to. I dont know what to do..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they're yours if they don't they never were".

They call this rebound, but also learning.

This is difficult for you. If you were to say no, as you are still married you will more than likey make her decision to "seperate" now... If you were to allow her to do this, then you may also lose her, (for now) or for ever as she may start to gain feelings.

When a person is so down and out in a marriage, often they seek what they are / were missing so desperately to ease the pain. His words, laughter, instead of pressure, problems..

I can't advise you of an opinion really.

Because nothing you do is going to change any course.

You have to ride it out.

To become a better person, takes time. To show someone you are back to being who you were at the beginning and will never go down a bad path again, takes time.

So can you see that, one week, one month, is not "time" rather days.. When someone looses faith it takes alot to get that back, and "time" not words, not days.

Take a deep breath.

[jns]

Her church friends invite her to go out with them. She is hanging out with some guy while your marriage together is supposed to be worked on. You were texting a girl before. This sounds like *** for tat. Unless you both start going to counseling together and separately, I don't see how you can work this out.

[MikelJ]

She never went to see him. She stayed in. I guess that says something.