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  • Being lied to

    How do you feel about being lied to in a relationship, whether its a big lie or about something silly or little. I always say a lie is a lie. Im just asking because my boyfriend of 18 months does lie and I always find out about it and we argue and its not doing us any good. Some examples is, when we're having a general conversation about the past (he has a child from previous relationship) theres things he's lied about and I dont know why, its in the past so why lie about it, its been done. Like he went on holiday with his ex after they broke up, told me he went as it was his sons first holiday. I later found out his son didnt even go. Before we met, he used to invite his ex to his birthday BBQ's but again used the excuse that he invited her to see his son, again he wasn't there. Since we met he hasn't hung out with her or anything like that but they used to but he seems to deny it.
    When we first got together he told me she lived across town when she lived across the road. Another thing was he used to put kisses when he text her and I found it strange and uncomfortable so asked nicely if he could stop and over 18 months I've had to ask him 4 times to stop because he told me he did, then when he's had his phone I've seen kisses. So he lied telling me he stopped when he hadn't. He did stop for a while then we took a 2/3 month break and he told me he started again, that didn't make sense to me.
    Then its even little things, like I asked him to read an article for me, I asked if he read it he said yes, I questioned him on some things in it then found out he hadnt read it, why lie about something as silly as that. He always seems to have the excuse of 'oh i cant remember' when its something from a while ago.
    Its making it very hard for me to believe anything now and now we're on a break for a few days.

  • If you want to try at this relationship, I suggest you have a talk with him and
    let him know deeply how trust is a main issue in a relationship. Tell him that if
    he cannot trust you enough to be honest with you from now on, there is no
    possible futur. See how he reacts and make a decision. Good luck!

    Comment


    • I would not continue with a person who continues to lie.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • It's true, men lie all the time. If you think you love him enough that you can continue with him lying all the time, it's fine, but my suggestion is that you skip this guy and move on!

        Comment


        • It's true, men lie all the time.
          People, not men in general

          Em, honestly it sounds as if he is not quite over her but for what ever reason, their road has ended and there is no going back. It doesn't appear that she is trying to get him back, rather, stay in touch.

          What worries me is that he is telling you these things "son" and yet his son is not there. What does that say about him as a Father? I'd understand him wanting to see as much of his son as possible but that's not the case.

          As for lying full stop.. Maybe he felt he had to do that alot as a child and can't break the habit.

          Only you know how he treats you or doesn't as to whether he "can" move on in life with you.
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • It sounds like he may still have feelings for his ex.. I would say not to continue this relationship but its up to you what you decide but yes a lie is a lie and they add up..

            Comment


            • I agree with the other ladies. Sounds like he's not over her and hasn't 100% committed to you yet. Why lie? No reason to if he is truly all for your relationship. He definitely should not be sending kissing texts to his ex. That in my opinion is a slight form of cheating. I'd be upset if my husband sent a kiss face to one of his ex's or girl friends without telling me about it or me knowing it was purely a joke. Something is very fishy and I think you need to confront him. How can you trust someone who lies all the time? You can't build a relationship based off of not being able to trust that person. It just won't work.

              Comment


              • I don't see any reason, merit or excuse good enough to lie. My guy knows that I view him lying to me is that if his only choose-able option is to lie to me; then we have problems in the relationship. Him lying to me is him believing that I will believe something that isn't true; just because he's saying it to me. And that's just pure insulting.

                I operate that; anyone can ask me any question that they want to, but they better make sure they want to hear the truth. If I don't want to answer them; then I'll tell them just that.

                I need to be able to trust my man, I need to know that I can rely on his word. That no matter what situation we are facing, I know that there is no reason for me to doubt him. I need to respect my man, and there is nothing to respect about lies. It isn't honorable, it isn't trustworthy. Nobody has "liar" on their list of attributes they want in their partner. So don't put lies in our relationship. If he doesn't want to tell me something, then he can say just that. If it's something that will take an hour to explain, then he can say it's a long explanation, we'll talk about it later. There is no good enough excuse to lie. Everything can be handled without lying, even if it takes more time and effort. A relationship should be worth more than a lie.

                Comment




                • People lie for many reasons, usually a lil white lie, to spare someones feelings is not too harmful, unless it is a habit. Like a gal who has gained a few pounds and continues to wear the same pants, that are slightly getting tighter, pound by pound .

                  Asking does my Butt look fat in these ? Can be a " Death Question " for a man.

                  He usually will say "Of Course Not Baby, you are Sexy and Beautiful no matter what you wear ".
                  If he answered honestly and said " they are so tight your thighs look like Cottage Cheese is forming or the Crotch is way too tight I can see Camel Toe and so can all other people "!!!
                  You would be Hurt and Angry . So there are ways to be " Diplomatic " and not tell a Whole 100% truth .. This is as said, to spare feelings.

                  Now as to his Lying about his Ex .. I'm sure he knows it is a sensitive subject to you. And he most likely just answers without thinking and tries to make it seem like it's a Generic Answer, of course this being an " Instant Answer" not one thought out to " Dupe you " but one to, not have to go into Depth about .

                  This is Interesting .

                  Some examples is, when we're having a general conversation about the past (he has a child from previous relationship) there's things he's lied about and I don't know why, its in the past so why lie about it, its been done. Like he went on holiday with his ex after they broke up, told me he went as it was his sons first holiday. I later found out his son didnt even go. Before we met, he used to invite his ex to his birthday BBQ's but again used the excuse that he invited her to see his son, again he wasn't there.
                  The thing here is it's in the Past and should Stay there.Unless you are " Fishing ", maybe leave out of conversations his Personal things with his Ex and Son . That way he will not need to lie or remember something he said before ..

                  Since we met he hasn't hung out with her or anything like that but they used to but he seems to deny it.
                  When we first got together he told me she lived across town when she lived across the road. Another thing was he used to put kisses when he text her and I found it strange and uncomfortable so asked nicely if he could stop and over 18 months I've had to ask him 4 times to stop because he told me he did, then when he's had his phone I've seen kisses. So he lied telling me he stopped when he hadn't. He did stop for a while then we took a 2/3 month break and he told me he started again, that didn't make sense to me.
                  Again, not excusing him , but being in a New Relationship with you .. He probably did not want you concerned about him maybe being on a Rebound . He may very well, from past relationships, learned his lesson well .. Women ( Most ) do not really want to hear about EX's in a Positive way .

                  Then its even little things, like I asked him to read an article for me, I asked if he read it he said yes, I questioned him on some things in it then found out he hadn't read it, why lie about something as silly as that. He always seems to have the excuse of 'oh i cant remember' when its something from a while ago.
                  This is where you might tread lightly ..

                  You are right about reading a book or article should not be " lied about ".
                  Maybe read it with him next time and discuss it with him. See if you are on the same page as far as understanding things .


                  1) Are you looking to catch him in Lies ?
                  2)Is there doubt in your mind of your love for him and his for you ?
                  3) Could he possibly have a Memory Retention Problem ?
                  4) ADHD or ADDH or even PSTD ?

                  If Yes to any above Question,then he may not be the Man for you or you the Woman for him .

                  If the answer is No to any 4 questions above and neither of you suffer from or him or yourself are not looking for a Reason to Not be Together.

                  Then.
                  I would sit down with each other. Then write a List of Expectations from each other for a Permanent Relationship .
                  Then have the "Serious Honest " Discussion about what you both expect of each other in the Honesty Department .
                  Starting from That Day Forward..

                  #1 Day Forward
                  Would include Honesty, with Reasonable Avoidance and Not a Direct Lie to you. It will also not include any Questionable Activities..

                  With this
                  ...
                  You earn and Learn " TRUST "

                  It is called LOVE








                  Comment


                  • I'm pretty sure he is over her. They broke up 4 years ago, it was a mutual agreement as there was just no love there anymore, they didnt want each other. They got back together a year later for a month but he said it was for his son to try and keep the family together but it just didnt work, it wasnt what either of them wanted. He has dated a fair bit and I'm his first serious girlfriend since her. Surely if he wanted her, in the 3 years before he met me he would have tried again with her?
                    He says he lied about the kisses in the texts to protect my feelings but has now stopped and I have seen that he has. Other things he says he cant remember from his past, so somethings are not always exactly correct. I mean some of these things are 5-6 years ago.
                    We have sat down and spoken about it and I told him how I feel about lying and it shouldn't happen at all and one more lie then hes out.

                    Comment

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