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Why am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?

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  • Why am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?

    I have been dating this man for 2 years - I am 10 years his senior - he has 4 children - 3 out of the home and one 16 yr old daughter still home that he has joint custody of.

    The problem - she is spoiled rotten - he doesn't know the word 'no' and gives in to her every whim - he allows her to hang out with other teens (including her 20 yr old sister) who have chemical addiction issues -

    his ex is an alcoholic who re-married an alcoholic so they are never home on weekend nights even if the 16 yr old is there for the weekend.

    He has changed plans on me so many times due to his daughter 'changing her mind' and deciding she did want to do something with her dad that night - or tells me he has to 'check with' her if I try to make any plans. It's not like they don't have time together - she has lived with him all school year and on the weekends she is not at her mom's I allow them to have quality time alone.

    The last 2 straws were over a trip that was planned this weekend - about a month ago I asked him if he would be able to go somewhere with me over Easter weekend - he said he had already made plans with his daughter and some of his friends to go on a trip to another state - we had a discussion about being considerate and discussing things with me also instead of everyone else first hand and then telling me whenever he felt it was convenient - of course he didn't understand this and tried to turn it all around on how I always seem to get upset when he tries to plan things - not true - then he indicated I wouldn't want to go anyway because I am fighting some health issues that would prevent me from doing the things they had planned.

    I assured him I was a big girl and didn't need to be with him every second, and could go do my own thing while they did theirs and we could meet back in the evenings.

    We finally came to a compromise that we needed to communicate better. So the time comes for the trip - my car was broken down and I was to use his car (which he bought for work but the daughter has taken over - not the payments or the insurance or repairs - but the car - she even drives it if all of us go somewhere together) while they were on their trip -

    I was going to go spend time with my son and his family out of state. The night they were to leave (leaving at midnight), his daughter comes in at 11:00 p.m. and starts ranting and raving about how everyone at school treats her badly and how her friends say things to her that make her mad and upset and that she is just so stressed out that she just wants to stay with her mom now. After crying for a couple of minutes he tells her that's fine she can stay.

    She immediately drys the tears and is now in a good mood. He asked me what I was going to do about the car now - I told him I thought that decision was already made - his daughter says "Oh, I thought you were going along with dad. Well, I guess I'll just have to walk everywhere on these chicken legs all weekend if that's the way it's going to be" - (remember - she is supposedly staying with her mom - who he did not call to let know this. And her sister, who has a car, is also at her mom's) - he just looks at me and shrugs his shoulders and says "so what are you going to do this weekend now?" - I told him stay home and think about what I was going to do about us and that he needed to think about starting to be a parent to a 16 yr old as opposed to being her friend because she already has friends - and he needs to think about stopping the guilt about the divorce 8 years ago when it was the ex who had the affair and left - not him.

    We left each other with a brief hug and a drive safe and that was it.

    I'm sure he doesn't think anything about what happened - and when we discuss it I will be the one acting like a child (he'll think I'm upset because I didn't get the car - no matter what I tell him). The issue isn't whether I got the car or went on the trip - the issue is that he continually shows his daughter how little I mean to him by always giving in to her no matter what. Other than this one thing, he has amazing qualities, good character, and an excellent sense of humor - he is responsible (sometimes overly however), and compassionate and helpful of others less fortunate, involved in the community and charities, - it's just that I feel he's allowing himself to be manipulated and made a fool of by a 16 yr old.

    Am I wrong to be thinking about ending this relationship? Will it always be this way even after she graduates? Oh, and one last thing - she was supposed to go back to her mom's in january - but she spent her car money on an expensive camera so wouldn't have a car to drive - so she told Dad that she wanted to stay with him until July.

    I bet when July comes and Daddy doesn't give her the car or money she won't go back to mom's because she won't have the freedom or the car (dad works 12 hours a day, so she is normally home alone for 4 to 6 hours after school each day)
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 03-30-2013, 04:28 PM. Reason: paragraphing for readers

  • Alot of teenage girls can manipulate their Fathers. "Daddy's girl"...

    I don't know whether or not he feels he owes her, as she was only 8 years of age when the marriage broke down... But, blood is blood, and obviously he loves her.

    What concerns me is that he really is not including you as his partner in his life, with his children.. You say he was going away with friends as well as his daughter... She is his priority, you are "in his life"..

    I would want to be a partner, and if not, then I would walk. I wouldn't allow a man to have me in his life so that he wasn't lonely.. It would have to be because he wants me as his partner and wants me on those holidays, not " and what are you going to do now" or, " well you have health issues so I thought you wouldn't want to come".. That's a cop out in my opinion.

    Don't be a door mat.

    Ask yourself seriously in those two years did he ever make you feel special, important, loved.... Or, are you just "there".

    You have family, be with them... Be where love is. For Easter.


    • Originally posted by willthischange View Post
      I have been dating this man for 2 years ...
      As you said, you have been dating for two years. You did not call him your boyfriend anywhere in your post. I don't know where that puts your relationship. I would not lend most of my friends a car, although I would ferry some of them around in some cases, if needed.

      This sounds like a clash between a daughter and a possible replacement for her mother in her father's life. Such things are to be expected. With a solid commitment, I would expect him to take your side of things more often. Otherwise, his daughter will usually have first dibs at his stuff, even if it had been pledged to you. What he could have done was to rent a car for you over the days needed. If he gave his car to you, his daughter would have been resentful.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • You are correct that he is treating both you and his daughter poorly. If he can't be firm with his 16 year old daughter, he probably won't get any firmer when she is older. Unless you want to deal with this for years to come, it is time to consider another date.



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