STRESS! Boyfriend, his son & his Mom...

**jns** · 03-29-2013, 09:01 PM

So now we know what has happened since you were last posting in September.

Your case is that no good deed goes unpunished.

Unfortunately, your bf and you have different approaches when you two need solidarity. You two need to have brainstorming sessions on these things and commit to following through your joint decisions. Then his 12 yo will not be able to turn one on the other. The same advice goes for his mother.

Your bf must be a great guy in many ways.

**Element** · 03-29-2013, 09:13 PM

My first advice: be on the pill and use condoms.

My second; sit down your boyfriend and talk through all of this. All of HIS family drama is in your lap and it's stressing you out and consuming your life. Relationships need equality and that is not happening. A very long and in depth conversation about how to deal with his children, where he views the line is when it comes to HIS sons, HIS family, etc. You are not his wife, not the mother to his children, not the daughter in law to his mother. And stick by the line, even if it means you deal with one situation to make his life easier; DO NOT ever cross that line. Let and make him deal with his own stuff.

Also you learning how he views, feels and thinks about raising kids, dealing with situations; will let you know if you want him to be your husband and/or the father to your children. You have an up front view to all how things will be forever. It obviously needs work, so start talking to him now and you'll learn if you need to walk away from him. Maybe you even getting your own place will make him stand on his two feet and deal with everything. Because from the sounds of it, you're handling his stuff, and nothing will progress if you continue to be his out.

**JadedQueen** · 03-30-2013, 01:34 AM

Jns...
thanks for your reply. The problem with the bf is he lacks communications skills on ANY level and as you can tell we have VERY different ideas about discipline. I have tried making "suggestions" to him on punishments but he doesn't punish AT ALL so no matter what the kids do they have no consequences. Since my bf works and I'm home with his son prior to him going to school and after school (bf's Mom is here as well but she stays of it when the grandson is concerned) I feel like I should have a little bit of input just so it's understood when his Dad isn't here he needs to do what is asked of him and be respectful. This is seriously driving a wedge between the bf and I and to complicate things further... when MIL and his son moved in we had no choice but to get a bigger place so we went from a 2 bedroom apartment to a 3 bedroom house. We are all on the lease (BF, Mil and me) and each pay 1/3 of all expenses. If one person moves out then it would be difficult for the other two to cover that share of the bills so we are all kinda 'stuck' with this situation for the next 10 months. In addition to that, the Mil is disabled and on SSI. Due to her disability I am currently going thru the process to be her home caregiver since I manage her care/apts/medication etc. and it is a considerable amount of money per month for doing what I've been doing for her so in that aspect I'm kinda stuck there as well. I just wish my bf would step up even just a little bit to let his son know that his attitude and behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.

Element
Thank you for your advice as well. No worried regarding birth control here I took care of that many years ago. I have an 18 yr. old son that joined the military. My bf and I have REALLY different views when it comes to discipline kids. I am VERY involved with what's going on and why they did what they did and try to make the punishment fit the crime. The bf has a hard time disciplining the kids cuz he doesn't want to be the bad guy since he did the part time Dad thing for years and only saw the kids on weekends and often times when there was a punishment given my bf so many times wanted to alter or amend it so they got off grounding early even if they were still acting up cuz it was easier to send them outside to play than to deal with hearing them complain about being grounded. I have forced him into dealing with his Mom when she had one of her episodes... I can kinda see it coming by the way her attitude changes, she had an eye apt and I made him take her because I could tell she was getting ready to blame me for the sky being blue. I have also intentionally not prepared dinner the last few nights forcing him to do it when he gets home from work telling him that I have been busy watching training videos for the home care aide and staying in my room and away from his son is my way of trying to avoid conflict so I didn't have time to make dinner and he ended up having to do it.

**Harmony** · 03-30-2013, 10:33 AM

Someone needs to discipline these kids and enforce rules, and it should be your BF, not you. If he did the part time dad thing then it's even more important to establish boundaries since it sounds like these kids have none. Unfortunately it sounds like you're also in damage control, the 12 year old running back to his mom wont make much difference since the damage has already been done. I would make a deal with your BF that the 12 year old his problem and the GM is your job. At least her unpleasantness is flowing from a legitimate mental illness.

This situation also cannot go on indefinitely. Ideally everyone should be helping look after the grandmother. Up until the age of 14 (when he died in an accident) I had my GF living with us and he was STRICT, he was made to join the navy when he was 12 and served until he was injured in the war, then his wife left him so she didn't have to look after him and my parents agreed he would live with us. I'd NEVER have got away with any of those stunts. I hated him when I was younger because he was so strict and quite critical, but I miss him now and I'm at the age where I'd appreciate his wisdom and enjoy hearing his stories a lot more, they say youth is wasted on the young... But the point I'm making is none of it did me any harm and given the chance I wouldn't change any of it.

The problem now is that the children have no experience of a stable home environment - you can take the kids out of the dysfunctional home - but you can't just take the dysfunctional home out of the kids.

You are, unfortunately, as you know in a pretty much no-win situation. All you can do is limit the damage and force your BF to start building a relationship with his son (if he can) if he succeeds then you can start trying to integrate as a family unit. If the kid is going to run back to his mother as soon as he tries to establish boundaries then he'll do it anyway, so he's either feral at your home or his mothers, *****-footing around him and genuflecting to him will only waste time and convince him (correctly) he only has to throw a tantrum to get his own way/avoid punishment/duty/instructions/responsibility. I don't envy your situation but I do admire your effort and commitment.

As a start I would, if I were you, insist that your BF takes his son out at least one day on the weekend to give you some space. Ideally you should get an entire day to yourself each week since the stress will accumulate and over load you. Your BF should be grateful you are caring for his mother, make it clear that while you're running the house he needs to pick up the slack with his son, if he's not prepared to do that, and properly, he may as well go back to his mother since he'll just be acting out the same behavior but in someone else's house (though likely not being exposed to the same harmful influences which affected him and caused him to behave the way he is).

Good luck

**Element** · 03-30-2013, 01:07 PM

There is no "making up" for being a part time parent. His son is there with him now, and he isn't dealing with his own child at all. He needs to actually be a parent to the kid and stop messing around. And you shouldn't have to hide in your room to get away from his family problems. Do you have any friends in the area? Spend the weekend at a friends house, make him have to deal with his family. Go to a hotel for the weekend. He needs a slap of reality. Tell him either he gets use to doing it all alone, or he sits down with you and figures out how to work as a TEAM.

**JadedQueen** · 03-30-2013, 02:17 PM

Harmony...
I completely agree with you!!! The home my bf's son came from is completely dysfunctional (Mom is a drug dealer and there are numerous junkies living on one of the trailers on her property in the middle of no where) and I would HATE to see his son return to that environment. When it comes to discipline she is completely worthless (her other son (my bf is not the father of him) stole $1000 from her about 6 yrs ago he was 7 yrs old at the time and spent the money on candy and a bike she allowed him to keep everything he bought and she bought him a CD discman the very same day. Nothing like rewarding a child for bad behavior). So getting help on that end is not an option.

I am at my wits end because I want the house nice and tidy, the MIL happy and cared for (which starting next month I am going to get paid for 20 hrs a month to be her caregiver to assist with laundry, shopping, apts., medication etc...) so where she is concerned since I am getting "paid" to care for her that kinda falls in my lap even though she's his Mom and I don't want to overwhelm him with work, his son, his Mom and the household stuff.

As far as him spending time with his son he really does an awesome job with that and when he isn't at work he's doing some kind of project with his son like setting up a bb hoop and making a new backboard for it, building a tool shed, building a desktop computer for his son etc... they have a really good father and son relationship and the only area that my bf seriously lacks in is the discipline part and making his son realize that his actions have consequences. My bf says that I am too strict and maybe I am (just the way I grew up) but my belief is children should show respect to everyone at all times especially their elders, they should pick up what they dragged out or made a mess using (age appropriate and I think at 12 yrs. old if he can drag it out and use it then he can put it away and clean up after it) because I can't stand to look at the mess (and shouldn't have to) and I'm not the maid and shouldn't have to clean up after anyone, another big thing for me is EDUCATION because it's so important and this child attends a special class he's in 6th grade but his school work is at a 4th grade level and I think he should be doing stuff at home to help him along better like reading for 30 min. or so every day but this child refuses to do it and has refused to do his work in school. I personally think he needs a firm hand... these are the rules and you are required to follow them no IFS, ANDS or BUTS about it and if they are not followed then there are consequences for that and depending on the rule broken depends on the consequence so it fits the crime so to speak. My bf on the other hand thinks we can't just bombard him with rules since he's lived with his Mom for 12 yrs. and the only rule there is "ANYTHING GOES, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT" and we need to ease him into it but I think letting things slide is going to confuse him more when he does get into trouble. I try to talk to my bf about this but he just thinks I am trying to "TAKE OVER" and the conversation is counter productive because it just pits us against each other.

I just know that things cannot continue the way they have been and something NEEDS to change SOON.... As much as I love my Bf and want to be with him this situation is making everyone completely miserable and he is failing to see that HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE IT. I am continuing to stand my grounds and refusing to do anything his son asks me to do (not as far as important things like if he were bleeding or something) like fix a setting on the computer because he doesn't know how, or borrow my Ipod, help him find something that he didn't put away the last time he used it. I just continue to tell him "I'm sorry but I can't help someone that is rude and disrespectful to me, perhaps if your rude and disrespectful attitude towards me changes then I might be more willing to help you" I am trying to get him to realize exactly how much I do for him everyday and I deserve to be treated with respect at ALL times. I'm not trying to be his Mom, I'm not trying to be anything other than what I am and that is his Dad's GF that lives in the same house and contributes to the household bills and it's just as much my house as it is his. I don't know if my taking a stand will do any good or not but if the bf won't discipline him it's really the ONLY thing I can think of to do to get my point across to the boy without having a pointless argument or battle and I feel like I am justified in refusing to help him with non-essential things that he needs help with. Unless anyone has any other suggestions on things that I can do myself that would help the situation because at this point I'm not really holding my breath and looking to my bf to assist me even though he should handle it and handle it in a way that it's understood it will NOT be tolerated but unless or until he does that I am looking for ways that I can do alone to make things better (and catering to a 12 yr. olds every whim is NOT an option not even to keep the peace because I will not assist in creating a spoiled brat that doesn't respect others). The not doing anything for him and trying to hide out to avoid conflict are the only things I've got right now.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-30-2013, 03:09 PM

I might be out of line here, but he has two disfunctional kids, that obviously have gotten themselves into a lot of trouble and have been able to do what they want, as well as swearing.

Telling kids, "for all you do" doesn't mean a thing.

Telling a kid, "We're glad you are here, Dad's missed you" and laughing with them, asking if they can help you with something (small) and gradually building a trust and a want to help you more because they feel wanted and loved and it does take time, but it can change their whole attitude.

Sometimes you have to see it from a kids eye... Maybe all those kids need and want is to be loved. They are young you could make a huge difference.

I understand you want your house clean, you probably are set in your ways as well, and you are a kind soul, welcoming them all into your home including your Mother-In-Law which is probably where it all started from

She seems to be a piece herself . But, don't look at what you are doing for any of them, it will make you resent them, and build your anger inside. They are who they are, you are doing what you can, maybe down the track she'll settle a bit better or else, find somewhere else for her to go.

I agree, I think you need some me time as well. To take time out and realise that your boyfriend knows what you are doing and he is the one that counts... But he is the one you need to draw strength from, he is the one that needs to commend you for all your efforts, hug you and thank you for allowing them all into your lives...

**JadedQueen** · 04-02-2013, 08:37 AM

Chandlers Wish... you make very good points. His kids are dysfunctional and have grown up in very dysfunctional homes (the reason they came to live with us). His son that lives with us now has some behavior issues and is in a special class in school because of it. (has a difficult time managing his anger/behavior and reacts in inappropriate ways when he gets mad or upset not ever violent but makes threats that he shouldn't make and it's caused him to be expelled from one school).

My relationship with my bf's son isn't always tense. I like to cook and I make a lot of things from scratch... well, bf's son loves food and also loves to cook and depending on what I am making he generally asks if he can help me preparing the meals and I always let him when he asks and I try to teach him as we go (like when making pizza dough I explain to him the kneading/rising process etc..). I received kinda a bonus check and we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck and when my bonus arrived I took my bf's son out shopping and bought him new shoes (that he actually got to pick out for himself cuz he had expressed to me that he never gets to pick them out for himself they always get bought for him in the past) new socks, t-shirts, and a wireless keyboard and wireless mouse for the computer he and his Dad built for him. I also took him out to breakfast prior to shopping in hopes of trying to "bond" and just have a fun day together. He loved it and when we cook or shopping or anything like that we get along great he just flies off the handle when he is asked to do something by me. If my bf asks him to do something he does it and I kinda wonder if he feels like if he listens to me tell him what to do then in some way he's betraying his Mom??? Other people have made reference to me as "step-mom" when talking to him, it wasn't anything that I said and it's just a natural assumption that I'm the step-mom because most people assume my bf and I are married since we have been together for 7 & 1/2 yrs. I usually let it slid and don't make the correction but it seems to really upset bf's son when it occurs and he makes sure to let anyone that mistakenly referrers to me as his "step-mom". I know when he visits his mom she puts a lot of guilt trips on him such as "You are a traitor for going to live with your Dad" and he's come home from his visits with her just angry at everything and everyone we assumed he was just tired and moody but when he was still like that on day two my bf asked him what was wrong and why he was so irritable and he told my bf that his mom says a lot of bad things about his Dad and probably about me as well so that may be a contributing factor to the attitude he has towards me and maybe over time it will improve.

I did however go to the doctor yesterday and explained my OCD regarding the messy house and just certain things irritate me and it's happened more recently with the stress of everything so the dr. prescribed some anxiety medication for me so I am hoping that will help things if I'm not constantly irritated and nagging about the house being a mess etc...

**JadedQueen** · 04-11-2013, 07:52 PM

I just want to thank everyone for their input and advice... it helps a lot to find out if others have the same views on a subject or if I was overreacting.

I just wanted to come back to this thread and give everyone a little update. My bf's son went to his Mom's for majority of his spring break
March29th right after school and he came back home in the afternoon on April 5th. He was kinda sick when he came home (he usually is when coming back from his Mom's) and the following day had to go to the ER for his asthma. Well... being the 'nursemaid' that I am I got up with him in the middle of the night, gave him his medicine and made sure he was as comfortable as possible.... and since he's been home from his Mom's he's actually been my little side kick and favoring me over his bf. I must say I am loving the change and keeping my fingers crossed that it lasts. Thanks again everyone.

STRESS! Boyfriend, his son & his Mom...

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