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Trying to get over Emotional Cheating/Trust Issues....help??

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  • Trying to get over Emotional Cheating/Trust Issues....help??

    My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years (going on 5), and we've experienced plenty of ups and downs. With each problem, we've tried to analyze and work it out. We've tries to figure out the underlying issues and work on it. But after almost 5 years, Im getting tired of waiting for the hurt to go away.

    In the beginning, it was crazy good (typical honeymoon phase), but about a year in things began to change.

    The first thing to happen was L (about 1 1/2 years in). She was our mutual friends' girlfriend, and a total **********. She would be nice to all our guy friends, but any other girls (including the girlfriends of the group) practically didn't exist. We're a pretty tight knit group, so when she began to ignore her fellow girlfriends but text/hang out with our boyfriends...we got concerned. Well, long story short, I let her know (nicely) that her behavior made me uncomfortable and she subsequently began being horribly mean to me. I tried to convince my boyfriend to stop inviting her to things, but he didn't believe me. Eventually, she had the nerve to talk ******** in front of my boyfriend and my closest childhood friend, K. My boyfriend said NOTHING, and it was K who stood up for me. I felt totally betrayed by my own boyfriend, and thankful to K. Afterwards, he promised to change, listen to me more, and not be so non confrontational. So, L was strike one.

    Strike two came in the form of C (3 years in) C was a Salsa dancer at my bf and I's college who was in his study group. She had a fiancé overseas in Afghanistan, and genuinely seemed like a nice person. I caught him flirting sexually with her. He said he was teasing her about her Human Sexuality textbook. YEAH RIGHT. I made him get rid of her number, delete her online etc etc. He explained that he just had an inappropriate sense of humor and didn't know how to joke around with women...AGAIN, YEAH RIGHT, but I loved him so I wanted to work it out.

    Strike 3, which happened about 4-6 months ago, is the worst of all. I discovered Facebook messages between he and a family friends (his) 17 year old niece. According to my boyfriend, his family friend had asked him to "make her feel pretty" and my bf had begun flirting with her online. This one makes me the most mad because this girl doesn't know any better. She's very sheltered, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never been on a date, so she's SO VULNERABLE. I know I should probably be mad at her too, but I remember what it's like to be 17. It's scary and uncertain and any attention from any boy (whether he's single or not) is unbelievably exciting. I'm mad at him for betraying me and manipulating this girls emotions. I made him write her an apology letter and old him that if he didn't shape up real quick, get some therapy and stop hurting other people I was going to leave and never speak to him again.

    The past 6 months since then has gone like a dream. It feels like we're dating again for the first time. But even though we're relatively happy, I can't help but feel like I've let myself down and I can't trust him. I feel like I shouldn't keep giving him chances and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop (so to speak).

    Is there anyone out there with a similar situation, or who has experience getting over long term trust issues?

  • Long term trust issues.

    I wonder. Why do you not trust? I don't think it started with this boyfriend, rather it's within you.

    Flirting (if not crossing a boundry) is natural and it doesn't mean that the other person is going to cheat.

    I definately understand wanting to be stood up for by your boyfriend. But, if he knows that's her nature I suspect that he accepts her for who she is and may have felt that you could stand your own ground. A guy standing up for a woman always makes a woman feel good but it has to be in their nature .

    I think cousins still flirt with each other as well, as well, people are human but would he cross that boundry? I mean it's his cousin.

    It sounds like he just has a flirtatious nature.

    I know I am different in this take or should I say, I suspect that I am, but then I trust my other half and laugh at the flirting, because I guess I am happy within myself and don't feel the need to worry. If some guy took something further, I'd simply be out the door and think " he wasn't good enough for me" ...

    I think that is how people should see things, we can't stop people for being themselves, we don't have to put up with it though, we are worth more, but then also, those that keep wondering, checking, feeling fear will continue living that sort of life and consequently, it makes it hard to have a happy, fullfilling relationship...


    • Thank you for your response Chandler.

      My trust issues ABSOLUTELY began with my current boyfriend. It isn't a problem within myself that is the source, but the emotions etc brought on by his actions and betrayl.

      I'm not sure what you mean by "if he knows that's her nature I suspect that he accepts her for who she is and may have felt that you could stand your own ground". I believe everyone should stand up in defense of others, especially the ones they love, no matter how much they think the other can "handle it". If, for example, someone began publicly berating/insulting my mother (who can definitely handle herself), I would deem it necessary to defend her regardless of how much I had "accepted the nature" of the perpetrator.

      Also, M is not my boyfriends cousin, she is a family friends niece. Meaning: the niece of a friend of my boyfriends family. To further define that: the daughter of a family friends sibling.


      • Usually its three strikes and you're out. Why are you trying to continue when you feel you cannot trust him?
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


        • Hey jns,

          Yeah, that's what I told myself the second time around: He gets one more chance, then he's gone.

          But even after #3, it's tough to break it off. We've been through a lot together (my parents divorce & his dads death), plus almost 5 years together, and I feel like that counts for something? I don't know, maybe I'm just making excuses?



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