[rcoreyus]

When he was still here, he would turn me down often. Weekly ... daily ... whenever I tried to start something. The only time we would have sex is if he initiated it. He told me later that it made him anxious [performance anxiety] if I tried to initiate it, or if I tried to talk about it earlier in the day.
But I'm your average woman and I need extended emotional buildup. I'm not ready-to-go for penetration in five minutes like a man, unless my partner wants to hurt me. So we ran into a brick wall ... and never really recovered before he left. It's a **** shame.

It is so difficult for me to imagine turning down a beautiful woman (and if he loves you, you are beautiful to him).

The second part of your post is depressingly familiar. On the rare occasions my wife wants sex, she wants something quick - these days pretty much always the same thing: Kiss for a few minutes, I give her oral for a few minutes, then missionary position intercourse, with me using a vibrator on her at the same time. She usually finishes in a few minutes. If I finish first, I continue using a toy on her. If she does, sometimes she will do me by hand (she gets sore if I continue with intercourse), often she is too tired and doesn't finish me at all. Thats about it.

Long ago sex for us was infrequent, but very nice, we did a lot of wonderful things together - spent entire mornings in bed - but no more.

Seems that to her, (and maybe to your boyfriend), sex is a race to the finish. I enjoy the hugging and cuddling, kissing etc. To me the finish is nice, but isn't at all the point of the whole thing.

And yes, my sex life is screwed up.

Still hoping to hear from someone with the other half of this problem.

[Fallen1]

When he was still here, he would turn me down often. Weekly ... daily ... whenever I tried to start something. The only time we would have sex is if he initiated it. He told me later that it made him anxious [performance anxiety] if I tried to initiate it, or if I tried to talk about it earlier in the day.
But I'm your average woman and I need extended emotional buildup. I'm not ready-to-go for penetration in five minutes like a man, unless my partner wants to hurt me. So we ran into a brick wall ... and never really recovered before he left. It's a **** shame.

I'm right there with you on both of these things you mentioned. In a conversation he once told me that he would like for me to initiate sex sometimes. So I did. Several times, and every time I did he turned me down. Maybe it was immature of me but the last time he turned me down I told him that I would never ask again because of it.

Also I am one that needs a build up also. I've expressed to him so many times that I'm dissatisfied with the fact that it seems when we do have sex it is a "hop on get it on" thing.

I said in an earlier post that I still had hope because we have discussions frequently but I'm wondering how long do I discuss things with him before I should just give up?

..... A man of 25 is not old but if he thinks he is old he acts old and this is what you must fight. Telling a young man you want more sex may work now but make sure he does it. If anything he will slack off in the future. ......

That's what I'm afraid of .... I'm already very sexually frustrated.

[Little]

My boyfriend is only 22. I am scared for the future ... but then again, I was not always a sexual creature. I never really enjoyed ANYTHING sexual before him. He makes me want more and more! And I don't see how this is a bad thing.
Again, he's now a 10-hour drive away from me, and I won't see him again until Christmas, so I won't get a chance to fix this in the flesh.
When he was still in college and only a 3-hour drive away, I would send him naked pictures via cellphone and he really seemed to enjoy it. In fact, he asked me in the first place to send them! And if a long time went by without me sending any, he'd request again. I never had a problem with that. I liked it that way; it showed that he wanted me.
But I sent him a picture the other day and he didn't respond about it until I asked him ... and all he said was that it was "an interesting thing to wake up to."
The difference is, when he was in school, he lived alone, didn't have a lot of stress, and had a lot of time to himself. When he was in the same area as I am, he lived with his parents and had next to no time alone. Now he has a roommate and he's dealing with all the pressures of military life. I know there's got to be something psychological behind it, but I just can't put together the pieces to it. It's his brain; not mine; I can't understand it.
I speak to him like he's special, wanted, handsome, sexy. I do all I can to flirt without getting myself frustrated because he just doesn't respond. In fact, today, he texted something about looking forward to the next "neck" (meaning "meal") and I tried to make a double-entendre of it ... "accused" him of flirting with me ... and he dropped it immediately. I'm so frustrated that I am at a loss for words. I have to think of a way to bring it up, A, when he's alone and B, in a manner so that he won't think I'm "attacking" him.
If he would just explain himself to me, I'd be more at ease, but seeing what's been written about his sex drive only going down, not up, I am upset
Maybe I'll bring it up tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes.

[rcoreyus]

I'm right there with you on both of these things you mentioned. In a conversation he once told me that he would like for me to initiate sex sometimes. So I did. Several times, and every time I did he turned me down. Maybe it was immature of me but the last time he turned me down I told him that I would never ask again because of it.

Also I am one that needs a build up also. I've expressed to him so many times that I'm dissatisfied with the fact that it seems when we do have sex it is a "hop on get it on" thing.

I said in an earlier post that I still had hope because we have discussions frequently but I'm wondering how long do I discuss things with him before I should just give up?


That's what I'm afraid of .... I'm already very sexually frustrated.

Ditto everything you said for my relationship - except its been ~25 years and it is to late to give up now. She wants me to initiate sex - but has turned me down every single time this year. If I go a while without asking, she thinks I am neglecting her.

Now - my advice to you is - don't do what I did. Don't spend your life waiting for someone to change. There are lots of wonderful people out there - the hollywood idea of "one true love" just isn't so. There are other people out there better matched to his desires. Any you can find someone better matched to yours.

I still love my wife really, I want the best for her in every way - but if I could send a message to mself 25 years ago, it would be what I've said to you.

[rcoreyus]

My boyfriend is only 22. I am scared for the future ... but then again, I was not always a sexual creature. I never really enjoyed ANYTHING sexual before him. He makes me want more and more! And I don't see how this is a bad thing.
Again, he's now a 10-hour drive away from me, and I won't see him again until Christmas, so I won't get a chance to fix this in the flesh.
When he was still in college and only a 3-hour drive away, I would send him naked pictures via cellphone and he really seemed to enjoy it. In fact, he asked me in the first place to send them! And if a long time went by without me sending any, he'd request again. I never had a problem with that. I liked it that way; it showed that he wanted me.
But I sent him a picture the other day and he didn't respond about it until I asked him ... and all he said was that it was "an interesting thing to wake up to."
The difference is, when he was in school, he lived alone, didn't have a lot of stress, and had a lot of time to himself. When he was in the same area as I am, he lived with his parents and had next to no time alone. Now he has a roommate and he's dealing with all the pressures of military life. I know there's got to be something psychological behind it, but I just can't put together the pieces to it. It's his brain; not mine; I can't understand it.
I speak to him like he's special, wanted, handsome, sexy. I do all I can to flirt without getting myself frustrated because he just doesn't respond. In fact, today, he texted something about looking forward to the next "neck" (meaning "meal") and I tried to make a double-entendre of it ... "accused" him of flirting with me ... and he dropped it immediately. I'm so frustrated that I am at a loss for words. I have to think of a way to bring it up, A, when he's alone and B, in a manner so that he won't think I'm "attacking" him.
If he would just explain himself to me, I'd be more at ease, but seeing what's been written about his sex drive only going down, not up, I am upset
Maybe I'll bring it up tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Please let us know how it goes. Something sounds funny - the decrease in interest over time is strange. I wouldn't even think stress would do this - it never did to me - sex was always a stress reducer. However bad things are, having the woman you love send you love notes, naked pictures, suggestive comments, and be available when you want her would make things better.

I have at times had a stressful life. One of the things that saddens me about my near lack of a sex-life is that sex with the woman I loved always made everything better. Made me feel that if I lost everything, and had to live in a cardboard box it would be fine as long as she was with me.

Your boyfriend is in the military, his stress may be more than I can imagine. I have only a few times been in real fear for my life - and he may see real risk in his future.

[Little]

Well, we got to talk [his roommate wasn't in the room! Good timing for the win!] and I think that we have gotten it worked out, but I can't know for sure until we are together again for a long time ... which will be at least a year from now.
His behavior lately is based in him not having an outlet; he's got a roommate, almost no free time, and almost never alone time, so he can't "do anything about" his feelings.
He told me when I tried to talk about this to him before that he had been having moral issues with it. He tells me now that he doesn't want to wait until marriage but he doesn't know what his moral objection to us having sex is.
He felt like our sex life was overriding our romantic life. Maybe he's right.
I guess it doesn't matter if he was right; it matters that he and I have told each other our feelings in a way that hasn't hurt feelings [I hope.]
I've made it clear to him that once a week "just doesn't do it for me. I'm young. I have desires," and that he's quite good at what he does.
Obviously, our problem can't really resolve, but I feel better about it. Hopefully he will get his own room when he moves off-post, and we can get some intimacy back into our relationship. I look forward to it

[rcoreyus]

Well, we got to talk [his roommate wasn't in the room! Good timing for the win!] and I think that we have gotten it worked out, but I can't know for sure until we are together again for a long time ... which will be at least a year from now.
His behavior lately is based in him not having an outlet; he's got a roommate, almost no free time, and almost never alone time, so he can't "do anything about" his feelings.
He told me when I tried to talk about this to him before that he had been having moral issues with it. He tells me now that he doesn't want to wait until marriage but he doesn't know what his moral objection to us having sex is.
He felt like our sex life was overriding our romantic life. Maybe he's right.
I guess it doesn't matter if he was right; it matters that he and I have told each other our feelings in a way that hasn't hurt feelings [I hope.]
I've made it clear to him that once a week "just doesn't do it for me. I'm young. I have desires," and that he's quite good at what he does.
Obviously, our problem can't really resolve, but I feel better about it. Hopefully he will get his own room when he moves off-post, and we can get some intimacy back into our relationship. I look forward to it

I hadn't thought of moral / religious issues. That could explain a lot ,and would not be a problem after you are married. Hope it all works out well for you.

[Fallen1]

Update

Just an update on how things are going for me.

We had a few discussions during the time this thread was active and they proved to be very beneficial. During these discussions he relayed to me a few things that had been going on with him that contributed to the "problem". I couldn't be happier at this point, he has made a great effort to improve things as far as my needs.

[kaylar]

One of the first signs that something is wrong in a marriage
often appear in bed. When a man doesn't want sex he
is either
1) Sick
2) Exhausted
3) Depressed
4) Getting it elsewhere

Now unless you've gone from a size 2 to a size 12,
or from 110 lbs to 210 lbs, or some other change
in your appearance, then he has a problem.